Week 1
It’s back! GBBO is back on the telly and finally our lives can regain purpose once again!
Last night we saw the series get off to an explosive start with 13 (thirteen!) bakers competing in the famous GBBO tent to the best of their respective abilities. It’s early days, but we have already preemptively crowned our winner.
It was a long episode, meaning it’s likely that a few things slipped past your attention. For example, did you notice the part where Mr. Blobby invaded the tent, destroying everything in his path in one chaotic sweep? Didn’t think so.
Not to worry, here’s a quick recap of the most important moments you might’ve missed.
On your marks, get set, read.
1. This lady compared baking to being a vet, citing needles, syringes and catheters as the crossover materials????
Rosie is a vet who either has a very dark sense of humour or is revolutionising the baking industry before our beady little eyes. In her introductory piece to camera, she said, “I think baking and being a vet do compliment each other, you use quite a lot of needles and syringes, catheters, bits and bobs…” and with that, we must crown our very first official GBBO 2019 Possible Weirdo. Needles and syringes can be used in baking, sure. Perhaps you want to infuse some medical-themed cupcakes with a shot of salted caramel, fair enough. But a catheter? For baking? That is something I would like to see in operation. Does she mean a) She will use the catheter on herself to minimise toilet breaks, therefore maximising baking time or b) Is the catheter incorporated into the bake as means of decoration? Perhaps as a fun way to pump icing into a sponge cake? Rosie, please get in touch.
2. The hottest magic trick of 2019 was dropped by Jamie and his twin brother Alex
What a reveal! What a stunning piece of television content! Jamie has a twin brother, but rather than simply tricking us into believing that he was his true self, GBBO treated us to the hottest magic trick of 2019. David Blaine is cancelled. Look at the finesse of the above gif. Jamie and his brother Alex are mimicking a mirror situation, whereby Jamie has seemingly taken a moment to touch his face. But then, out of nowhere, his reflection goes rogue. Jamie is one of two. He is no longer his own man. He is is half of a whole. He is not the evil twin, that much is clear, because his brother is wearing an Apple watch, therefore contributing to capitalism. Still, at least now we know where we stand with them.
3. Helena, a goth, had the most un-goth house imaginable
As she sat on a pink plastic chair sewing a bat leotard for her baby with her beloved rescue dog looking on in adoration, Helena put goths on the map in a slightly different way than they had previously been. When Helena entered the GBBO tent, Noel Fielding’s eyes lit up as he recognised one of his own. Goths aren’t very forthcoming, so they both kept it cool, slowly working up the courage to acknowledge each other as equals. Then we got a glimpse into Helena’s home life, which hints at goth elements, but is mostly the kind of house you would imagine a proud grandmother of 18 owning. Why is there decorative luggage in the middle of the floor? Goths famously hate travel. Why is there a cat wearing a witch’s hat on a cushion? Goths famously hate comfort. Why is there a giant maraschino cherry? Goths famously hate cherries. Why is the dog so obedient? Why is the fireplace so small? Why is the wallpaper?
4. Tasked with baking a showstopper cake that she dreamt of as a child, Michelle made CARROT CAKE
Remember being the tender age of 4-9 years old? Your birthday was coming up, so you had requested, nay demanded a bouncy castle for the party. The invites were sent out, RSVPs received and a downpayment paid for a bouncy castle that was scheduled to arrive on a day that the weather forecasters were referring to as ‘Rainmageddon’ because a biblical amount of precipitation was due to occur. All that was left was deciding on a cake for the party. Your parents suggested ice cream, or chocolate, or a classic plain sponge. “With all due respect, parents, I shall be having a gigantic carrot cake to share with my friends, complete with cream cheese frosting and a sprinkling of shaved carrot on top”, you confidently announced. “Aw cool we are raising a psychopath”, your parents later figured out. It’s a classic tale in every household.
5. Everyone was busy baking cakes when there was a perfectly fine ready-made one sitting right behind them the whole time
Truly, are the bakers aware that the tent is littered with ready-made baked goods scattered playfully in the background? Do they know that if they wanted to, they could cheat and it’s unlikely that anyone would notice? Look at those loaves of bread, they are begging to be stolen and passed off as the baker’s own in a moment of frantic desperation. Remember that time Diana took Iain’s baked Alaska out of the fridge, thereby sabotaging his bake? Well, had there been a baked Alaska sitting on the counter top behind Iain the whole time, you can bet your bottom he would’ve helped himself to the decorative cakes in a bid to trick Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry (gone but not forgotten x) into giving him a good review. Basically what happens to the decorative cakes, is what I am asking? Can we have them? Are they edible?
6. Oh FFS
Handle with care. #GBBO pic.twitter.com/A9xwRUMAza
— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) August 27, 2019
FFS. Can’t we just have one series of GBBO where everyone keeps it together and we can keep our collective minds out of the gutter? Phil meant no harm with his innocent statement seen above. He was very clearly constructing the tip of a rocket for his showstopper bake. There simply isn’t a more wholesome activity out there. Granted, the manner in which he smoothed down the sides was somewhat suggestive, but we’re better than that. Every one of us. We are mature enough, as a society and baking show enthusiasts, to look beyond the innuendo. Let’s try better this series. Let’s overlook the smut. Let’s be the best version of ourselves. Wouldn’t that be rewarding? To carry ourselves with grace and good intentions? Nah. Sounds kinda boring tbf.
Images via Channel 4
