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20th August 2019
04:24pm BST
Claire from Fleabag can't win GBBO because she won't be able to concentrate on her baking. She's got too much going on right now, between her messy divorce from Martin, newfound romance with Klare and rekindled friendship with her sister. Unfortunately, her shortcomings are going to manifest when she realises that the Bake Off tent is littered with pencils and paper for the bakers to amend their recipes as they work. Just the mere sight of a pencil will send "Michelle" into a triggered state, fraught with memories of a previous haircut gone wrong. She can't win. Her mind is elsewhere. Her hair's growing out nicely though, certainly less pencily than before.
12. Phil
Phil won't win GBBO because he's tremendously busy at the moment playing the role of a disgruntled commuter on board a train that's been subjected to unexpected delays. He's popping up to London to check on his pet turtle who was recently involved in an accident at work and may be entitled to compensation. Shelly was acting in an amateur production of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Musical when a very large styrofoam wall fell on her. She was sellotaped back together but Phil insisted that she received professional medical attention. Three days later, she's expected to make a full recovery, but won't be allowed to leave turtle hospital (hospiturtle) for another week. We wish her the best at this difficult time, and a speedy recovery.
11. Dan
Dan can't possibly win GBBO because he is the friendly barista at your local independent coffee shop that allows dogs inside because life is miserable enough without having to see a lonely pupper waiting outside an establishment, chained to a pole like some kind of animal. Dan always adds a free shot of syrup to your latte because he understands the power of mind control. With every pump of syrup, he's gaining your trust, little by little. This time next year, you'll be living in a commune with Dan, tending to his offspring and maintaining a plant-based diet. You'll thank him when that nasty cough clears up. "That'll be the farm-to-table butternut squash soufflé", he'll say, giving you a knowing wink and 15th raw vanilla syrup shot of the day.
10. Steph
Steph can't win GBBO because she has to present Strictly every Saturday night alongside Tess Daly. It's a demanding job, tending to celebrities that have absolutely fucked their Paso Doble, maintaining an even sense of whimsy and sympathy while trying to defend them to the vulture judges. "Steph" also does shampoo adverts in her spare time, assuring the general public that they too can achieve a salon finish at home if they simply give in to the hype and try Head & Shoulders shampoo (along with the conditioner and a protective heat defence spray). Who even knew that Winkleman could find the time to bake as well as everything else? Something has to give, Strictly speaking.
9. Rosie
Rosie can't win GBBO because she's currently doing a sleight of hand training course that's taking up a lot of her mental energy. Sure, she could incorporate the two and make certain ingredients disappear from her fellow contestants, but that kind of approach is strictly prohibited in the GBBO terms and conditions. See that ring on Rosie's neck? She stole it from Prue when they shook hands right before the photograph was taken. Prue will spend the entire series looking for it, sadly to no avail. Then, during the final showstopper challenge, Prue will bite into a piece of croquembouche to discover that the ring had been baked into it. Unfortunately, Rosie will be disqualified, but earn the respect of her fellow sleight of hand experts worldwide.
8. Helena
Helena can't win GBBO because she's too busy being your Mum's friend who's really into holistic practices. A few years ago she heard you were having back trouble and arrived over with a Ker Plunk kit and a kilogram of raw salmon. Those props were just for sport, as it turns out it Helena is actually a huge fan of mindfulness as well. She taught you to think your way into having a pain-free back. It didn't work, but at least you got some free incense and smoked salmon out of the whole thing, which together provide the perfect atmosphere in any room. Simply add a decorative bowl of inedible potpourri and you're good to go!
7. Jamie
Jamie can't win GBBO because he's too busy being an ASOS model who likes to breathe a little life into the clothes that he's selling. It starts with an inspired tuck of the sleeve, adding a playful tousle of his hair and suggestively biting his lower lip as he shows off the secret compartment in a space-themed bumbag. Jamie will try but fail to juggle his modelling career with baking in an overcrowded tent, eventually having to call time on his efforts as a baker. "It's us or them", Hollywood will threaten, freshly livid that his ASOS order is two days overdue with no sign of it on the tracking website. "And tell your boss he'd want to sort out his delivery guys", shouts Paul as he bundles Jamie into a taxi, hands still crumby from a pastry concoction.
6. David
David won't have time to win GBBO because he's simply too busy giving guided tours of haunted houses. He picks up customers in what is referred to as The Spook Van, complete with blackout blinds and 'Monster Mash' playing on a continuous loop. For refreshments, guests can drink blood (fizzy raspberry) or feast upon the guts of the undead (guts of the undead). With each haunted house they visit, David pretends to become increasingly worried about the threat of zombies who are on their tail. The tour ends in a standoff between the passengers and a zombie who looks suspiciously like a guy named Keith who loaded them onto the bus earlier that day. Anyway, David's too busy to bake right now as he is in purgatory.
5. Alice
Alice can't win GBBO because she is too busy being that girl from school who always had an absolutely banging lunch but refused to swap one morsel of it for your shitty smorgasbord of sadness. On an off day, her Mum would still come up trumps, pulling into the petrol station to line her daughter's lunchbox with Lunchables AND a Cheestring. "That's two treats!", you'd protest as you prised an industrial amount of tinfoil open to reveal that you were having a bread sandwich again (a bread sandwich whomst filling is also bread). Still, Alice went on to achieve great things, such as getting to appear in GBBO series ten, while the only person you have to blame for your shitty lunches nowadays is yourself. Get out of my sight.
4. Michael
Michael can't win GBBO because he's too busy playing the role of a loveable neighbour in some Netflix teen drama that's due to be released next month. He says crazy things like "Every cloud... spoils the broth!", signifying that he is the loose cannon of the friend group. He'll frequently mix up popular sayings because his quirkiness simply can't be contained. Michael's character developed this quirk as a defence mechanism after his pet budgie died when he was the tender age of 15. Throughout the series he'll seek revenge on British Gas, whose dangerous leak saw Bobby the Budgie die prematurely. Not to spoil the ending, but he kills 17 people and switches the household back to an energy efficient boiler system.
3. Amelia
Amelia can't win GBBO because she's too busy appearing in a TV advert to remind you about the importance of getting a balanced breakfast to set you up for the day. She's got just the trick - a yoghurt-based drink that contains all of your essential daily vitamins and minerals to keep your brain sharp and body in check. What's that? Unbelievable! Amelia says that you can get a 20p money off voucher if you pick up tomorrow's Daily Star AND you'll get all your money back within 5-7 working days if you aren't satisfied with the drink that needs to be refrigerated at all times or else it will turn sour and smell like a festival toilet. The choice is yours, either live a happy yoghurt-based life, or go to hell :)
2. Priya
Priya can't win GBBO because she's too busy being a Blue Peter presenter. Her interests include horse riding, finger painting, LARPing and the occult. Viewers love Priya for her honesty and blatant fear of spiders. Every so often, she'll get sent on an important mission, doing such tasks as single-handedly slowing the effects of climate change or asking the cast of EastEnders if they like beans on toast, throwing her utmost energy into everything she does. GBBO is going to be a fun experience for Priya, inviting a new generation of TV viewers to get to know her, but ultimately she's going to have to make a choice. It's either making a full-scale Boris Bike out of loo roll inserts and PVA glue, or pretending to find Paul Hollywood desirable.
1. Henry
Henry can't win GBBO because he's too busy auditioning for the role of Spider-Man 12: Yup - Still A Spider, But Somehow Even Younger Than Before! But get this - he's going to find out halfway during filming the series that he's got the part, at which point he'll have a very difficult decision to make. Does he want to be surrounded by dangerous vermin and criminal masterminds, or play the role of a very young Spider-Man in the next Hollywood blockbuster. Given his placement in this list, he's going to choose Bake Off and ultimately be crowed the winner after he shoots a spider web at the trophy in the final moments of the series, snatching victory from his fellow competitors. Congratulations, Henry. GBBO 2019 is preemptively yours!
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