Why are Kate Middleton's fingers all the same length: an investigation
A member of the Royal Family is on the front page of the Daily Mail.
And in other earth-shattering news, the Daily Mail is also posing an utterly bizarre question: why are Kate Middleton's fingers all the same length?
You have to give credit where credit is due, and the Mail have absolutely outdone themselves here. No, quite seriously. Consider the evidence that the Mail is going off:
Those are the Duchess of Cambridge's fingers, and some of them do appear to be similar in length. According to the Mail, "the fact Kate's index and ring fingers are similar in length probably results from high exposure to oestrogen in the womb." Fascinating.
But as my dad used to say, there's no sense in bringing facts to a rubbish fight, so let's sling some garbage at the walls and see what sticks: just why are Kate's fingers all the same length?
Her fingers are currently embroiled in a power struggle, with the index, middle and ring fingers forming a coalition to topple the despotic pinkie
Kate's right hand has officially been declared a failed state by the UN, with there appearing to be no resolution to the constant warring between her four fingers, each claiming a stake to control of the hand. Her thumb has taken a stance of neutrality in the matter, preferring not to get involved in "that sort of thing".
Over the last few years of Kate's life, her pinkie has risen to the top of the fractious pile, announcing itself Supreme Dictator of the Right Hand. In recent weeks, secret meetings were held between the index, middle and ring fingers, agreeing to join forces in an effort to overthrow the pinkie.
The levelling of the finger lengths is a show of strength, an attempt to intimidate the pinkie into stepping down and entering peace talks with the other fingers. Time will only tell if this will be successful; an anxious world watches with baited breath.
She is morphing into a lizard person in order to become a fully-fledged member of the Royal Family
It is a well-documented and undisputed fact that Royal Family are all lizard people. Glamorous, well-spoken, pleasant lizard people. Behind every plummy-voiced, gammon-streaked face lies the cold, scaly stare of an eight-foot tall lizard.
But that's if you're born into the family, created by the joining of lizardy sex bits in ungodly fornication. As an outsider - or 'shlpttt' in Lizardspeak - who was created by the traditional human methods of conception (missionary with the lights off after one-too-many glasses of port), Kate must undertake the painful process of becoming a lizard person in order to join the Royal Family.
The process began on the day of her wedding to Prince William, during which the Archbishop of Canterbury quietly uttered an ancient lizard oath ('flppt flppt ssssss flublublub') which began the transformation process. The equal length of her fingers is a sign that her inner lizard is nearly fully-grown, with the cold-blooded being within pushing out against her human exoskeleton.
She had her real hand amputated in a sword fight with her mother-in-law Queen Elizabeth II
Life in the Royal Family is tough. Brutal, even. To us commoners, it appears to be a parade of luxury and pamper, jetting from former colony to former colony, half-heartedly waving at the locals, hosting war lords and criminals at Buckingham Palace for tea and cakes, then retiring to Balmoral to launch fireworks at the peasantry.
The truth, however, is that life in the Royal Family is a battle royale - a state of constant warfare between each member, where one's claim to the throne is not determined by order of birth, but by bloodshed. Queen Elizabeth II has never been defeated, and despite being 91-years-old, is still pretty tasty in a scrap. Though she carries herself with dignity and poise in public, behind closed doors, she will fuck you up.
Kate fancied herself a pretender to the throne, but she was swiftly and soundly dealt with. In a challenge to the Queen, Kate offered trial by sword, herself a gifted combatant, having slaughtered the Earl of Doncaster the year before last, but she had not reckoned with Lizzie's speed and dexterity.
The hand we see in this picture is a prosthetic, hastily put together before Kate stepped back out into the media spotlight, hence the odd length of fingers. This will have been noted by the Royals, and the prosthetics-maker will likely be slashed to pieces for their clumsiness.
It's a cleverly-photoshopped PR stunt to distract the public from the news that she nicked that handbag from Marks & Spencer last week
Prior to marrying William, Kate was a prolific shoplifter, specifically targeting M&S after being served a cold lasagne in the cafe of the Basingstoke store. She had made it a personal mission to hit every branch in the country, before William set her on the straight and narrow. Several years passed without incident, without Kate's nefarious past coming up in the press. The Royals were safe. Or so they thought.
After being served a similarly lukewarm lasagne at Buckingham Palace one night, thoughts of that fateful day in Basingstoke surfaced. Eyes redder than a can of Tizer, Kate charged out of the palace and into the nearest Marks & Spencer, swiping the first item she could find: a clutch handbag.
Her crafty ways having never left her, she escaped without being caught, but word made it back to the rest of the family. If the truth about Kate made it into the papers, they'd be finished. So in order to distract the press from the stolen bag she insisted on carrying out, they got budding graphic designer Prince Harry to hop on his MacBook and photoshop Kate's fingers into the misshapen oddity that was splashed across the front page of the Mail.
And we, the gullible public, lapped it up. Kate is still out there, her vendetta against Marks still burning. Branch managers be warned: you are not safe.
According to a Mayan prophecy, it's a signifier that the end of the world is nigh
An ancient stone carving found near Chichen Itza tells of a day when time on Earth reaches its end. The translation is rough, but in essence it says, "At the time when the people look to the royal hands and speculate upon the length of their fingers, so shall the time of humans shall have been fully wasted."
And lo, so it was.