Week 9 – TV Selling
Hard to believe it’s been nine weeks since we first began to lose the will to live. Just kidding, The Apprentice has revived us all and we are now immortal.
Truly, is there any other show on television right now that allows every one of us to band together in perfect harmony to body the contestants beyond belief week after week? Maybe I’m A Celeb, but annoyingly, they’re all turning out to actually be very decent people.
Last night’s episode continued this and every other series’ reliable pattern of providing us with an abundance of cringe, discomfort and content ripe for harvest, followed by a savage firing.
Here’s eight moments from last night’s show that were deeply uncomfortable to watch.
1. Daniel listed his quiff as one of the reasons why he would make a good TV presenter
Daniel legitimately said, “I think I’ll make a great presenter. I excel in sales, I have done throughout this process and I think that’s where I’ll add the most value. Got the chat, got the looks, got the quiff”, followed by a cheeky look to the camera. He actually listed one of his personal strengths as his hairstyle. Of course, the key to a good television presenter lies in their hair. For example, Claude Littner will never be allowed to present The Apprentice because he does not have any. It’s unfortunate, but those appear to be the rules now.
2. Claude was deeply distressed by Sarah’s chaotic presentation skills
This wasn’t even part of the live show, it was a short promo video for their products and Sarah took that as an instruction to talk as quickly as possible, fusing all her words together into a chaotic outburst, not even coming up for air. Claude was visibly sweating, struggling to catch his breath, using the simplicity of the days of yore to get him through yet another insufferable task with these moronic young business professionals. It’s not fair what they’re doing to him every week. The man deserves a break. Bring Kayode back, he really liked him.
3. One of the production crew from the TV channel mercilessly savaged Sarah and Daniel’s promo
God bless you, unnamed extra, for bursting into that green room and rightfully putting those substandard presenters in their place. She said “I can’t run your promo. The quality is really bad, it’s just poor. I can’t air it”, at which point Sarah and Daniel’s little faces dropped to the floor. They were shocked that their 30-second promo that they filmed last minute in the carpark using the taxi they arrived in turned out to be unsuitable for broadcast, especially since they put so much effort into it. Unfortunately, inconveniently, that’s showbiz, baby.
4. Khadija went full Khadija with her product demonstration on live TV
After beginning her presentation with “Oh shit” and quickly being made aware that her microphone was indeed live at the time, Khadija proceeded to try to sell what is basically a giant sack of air. She did her best, throwing her entire body into the vagina-shaped seat and then comically struggling to get out of it after it had fully embraced her within its creaky inflatable walls. She went full Khadija and when that happens, unfortunately, there’s very little anyone can do to make it stop.
5. Tom failed to demonstrate the effectiveness of his team’s teeth whitening product
After smushing what appeared to be a giant pile of faeces all over his teeth for a few seconds, Tom then looked the viewers dead in the eye and said “See how white my teeth are now?, while they still looked like the teeth belonging to the dead girl on The Haunting Of Hill House. Tom, my dude, you need to wash that stuff off properly. Rinse and repeat, then if you get a chance, take a quick moment to reevaluate every one of your life choices that has led you to this dark and deeply embarrassing moment.
6. Sian told Sarah and Daniel to smile and look natural, and this is what they offered up
Ah yes, the perfectly natural pose of standing hunched over a desk with one hand aggressively placed upon it and the other slightly more relaxed, team that with another perfectly natural pose where both arms are hanging away from the body, slightly bent as if bracing for some sort of impending impact. These are two normal candidates on The Apprentice and definitely not, as their whole demeanour suggests, a pair of robots that have been sent to earth in a bid to learn about human life and infiltrate our reality television shows.
7. For their winners’ treat, Sian’s team got to neck bottles of champagne in the park
It’s not all glitz and glamour on The Apprentice, sometimes the candidates have to slum it just like the rest of us. Instead of the usual pampering session the winners receive, this week they went necking mini bottles of champagne in the park, but it was fine because they were watching a movie perched upon what appeared to be a recently renovated bandstand. These young business professionals, they work hard, but good lord you better believe it, they also play hard. “Cheers, to health and also to making a mockery of ourselves on national television”, they’re saying.
8. It’s been nine weeks and the receptionist is STILL working on the same spreadsheet
Seriously what is left to do? She’s been hammering away at that spreadsheet for nine weeks now and it’s still no nearer to completion. I have a theory. She’s not actually working on that spreadsheet at all, it’s a prop. She’s actually been on Facebook trying to flog an extra pair of Ugg boots her sister sent over from Australia. But that’s not going to look good for Lord Sugar if his pretend secretary is doing a bit of social networking when she’s supposed to be doing her one job of answering the phone to him, so they lie to us. The Apprentice is a fix. What else are they lying about? Is Kayode even a real name? Nothing is certain. Stay woke.
Images via BBC
