Week 8 – Glasgow Art
Two months into The Apprentice 2018 and the cringe, my folks, it just keeps on coming.
Last night the candidates were whisked away to the glamorous location of Glasgow. The task was simple, they just needed to sell a whole bunch of artwork to avoid landing themselves back in Lord Sugar’s boardroom under the threat of being fired.
Naturally, the candidates were as inept as ever, both in terms of business knowledge and just being normal functioning human beings, which is great news for us cringe television vultures.
Here’s seven uncomfortable moments that are advisable to revisit with caution.
1. A complete stranger appeared in the candidates’ house during the morning montage
Britain, I ask you, who is the woman on the left of the screen? Sure, on the right we’ve got Camilla butchering a Scottish accent impression, but who is beside her? Truly, this is a woman I have never seen in my life. We’re eight weeks into the process now and it’s not too much to ask that we would recognise every one of the candidates by this point. But that woman, honestly, she is a stand-in surely? She’s got brown hair, but by the process of elimination, she isn’t Jackie, nor is she Jasmine, Sian, Khadija or Sarah. What is happening? Are we being tricked? Is The Apprentice all a big fix? Someone please get in touch with some answers.
2. We got a glimpse into what The Apprentice will look like in 50 years time
The year is 2068. As a result of leading a stress-free life, Karren and Claude haven’t aged a day. Lord Sugar has immortalised himself and now lives inside a television screen. He gets wheeled about the place so that he can make various business appointments, never missing a beat thanks to his portability and keenness for business talk. The candidates are all robots now, meaning they can finally obey basic instructions and actually make a profit during these godforsaken tasks. Kayode is back again as a contestant, now in his 70s and hardened to the ways of the world, also eager for revenge. Claude is still in forbidden love with him.
3. The gallery had a display that was chillingly similar to Claude Littner’s vast range of facial expressions
Is that, or is that not, an exhibition of the faces that Claude Littner makes throughout an episode of The Apprentice? It is. It really, truly is. We got a glimpse of the stunning Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum once the candidates landed in Glasgow, where they were tasked with selling some art. Bafflingly, the above display wasn’t up for tender, but rest assured that this is probably because Claude placed an anonymous offer on the collection once the cameras stopped rolling. Congratulations, Claude. It’s a beautiful yet vain collection.
4. Claude struggled to get his head around the high-concept artistic act of melting a horse
Look, art is subjective. Each to their own, and all of that. Not everyone sees the same thing. But Claude looked thoroughly baffled during his time in the artist’s studio. There was a variety of strange objects, such as half a duck stuck to a shiny piece of metal and a sign that said ‘Home Sweet Home’ made out of gummy bears, but it was the melting horse that really stole Claude’s attention. He stared at it, dumbstruck. ‘Why would a horse ever melt?’, he’s thinking. And he’s right. Horses don’t even melt when they overheat. They simply burst into flames and then slowly burn away to nothing. This piece of artwork is misleading.
5. Lord Sugar dropped another stinker of a pun, bringing this series’ offences to a total of 4,985
There’s an intern joke writer on The Apprentice this year, you can smell it. Lord Sugar isn’t capable of coming out with these lines, not on his own. He was bodying Daniel for his ability to talk absolute bullshit about art, despite knowing precisely nothing on the subject matter. Then he dropped “You’re talking a load of Jackson Pollocks” and in that moment, in that very moment, it became abundantly clear that Lord Sugar is looking to launch a standup comedy career. The Apprentice is cancelled, its chaos will reign no more. Lord Sugar is a comedian now, with a very mediocre joke writer by his side.
6. Some lunatic made a pizza portrait of Lord Sugar’s giant cheesy face
As part of their winners’ treat, Jackie’s team got to go to a pizza making class. But not just any pizza making class, oh no, it was one where you can create the faces of your enemies with pizza toppings, then cook them and digest the entire thing to completion. It’s a sick act, but everyone relieves their stress in different ways. This man is a maniac, but at the end of the day, aren’t we all? Hobbies can take all manner of shapes, so what’s worse – creating faces on top of your pizza or committing murder? It’s close, but murder just about clinches it. The man may continue his craft. All is well here.
7. Sarah’s pizza portrait of Camilla was absolutely savage
Alright credit where it’s due, this is exactly the kind of savagery we all tune into The Apprentice for. It’s not about the risky business decisions, the bitching, the backstabbing, the profuse sweating, at the end of the day, we just want to see these candidates making fun of each others’ physical appearances. Sarah has bodied Camilla beyond belief here. The cold, dead eyes, the onion ring ears, the giant nostrils, she’s a brave woman. Add to that, it’s probably quite a delicious pizza, meaning Camilla can’t get mad. Watch out for Sarah, she’s a dark horse. Also watch out for Camilla, she’s a mouthful.
Images via BBC
