A normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf.
Shia LaBeouf has done something only he could do, and that thing is this: he is starring in a film about himself, as in, it’s based on his own actual life, and somehow, somehow in this incredible universe that we live in, he is not playing that character. The character of himself. Another actor is playing Shia LaBeouf in a film about Shia LaBeouf which Shia LaBeouf is also in. Obviously. I mean why not? Why not make that casting decision? Why be obvious? Why make sense? It’s a film about Shia LaBeouf isn’t it? We might as well fuck it up intentionally!
Manchester by the Sea and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri’s Lucas Hedges will be starring as Shia whilst the iconic actor/professional weirdo will be playing his own father. The film is called Honey Boy, which was LaBeouf’s childhood nickname growing up. I don’t know why. I assume you’ll find out why.
Well Honey Boy, with all that in mind, I just want to make you aware of all the wonderful possibilities that the producers of the film have missed out on. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Beoufception. Here are nine better versions of the Shia LaBeouf movie I have come up with. Enjoy responsibly.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 1: 100 Shia LaBeoufs and none of them are played by Shia LaBeouf. Not a single Beouf.
I can very easily imagine an alternate reality in which there is a film about 100 Shia LaBeouf’s, and all of them are played by a different actor – actors like Meryl Streep and Jean Reno and Samuel L. Jackson. In other words, actors that shouldn’t be playing Shia LaBeouf under any circumstances. I.e. any actor that isn’t actually Shia LaBeouf. I want to see Benedict Cumberbatch with a paper bag over his head. Not to be Shia, just to cover up his impossibly irritating face. I want to see Keanu Reeves screaming motivational quotes at us in front of a green screen. I want to see Daniel Day-Lewis removing a neo-nazi from his anti-Trump art installation. I want to see it all, now, forever.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 2: The Shia LaBeouf Face/Off sequel.
This is the Face/Off sequel called Shia/On in which Shia LeBeouf plays Nicolas Cage playing John Travolta playing Shia LaBeouf playing John Travolta playing Nicolas Cage.
It becomes the highest grossing film in the history of this particular alternate universe before eventually being released universe-wide, and simultaneously causing all the stars to run out of energy and our world to slowly fade into an inky-black oblivion the exact shape and dimensions of Shia LaBeouf’s face.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 3: Shia LaBeouf plays himself, but he has the head of a shark.
What do you mean why? Are you telling me you wouldn’t watch this? It’s Shia LaBeouf, except now his head is not actually his own head but the head of a hammerhead shark. His body is normal, he’s still just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Something understated. But then he has a big fuck-off shark head and his mouth is dripping with fresh seal blood and he can’t speak properly.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 4: Shia LaBeouf as Shia LaBeouf except he is 200m tall.
Essentially what I am imagining here is a completely serious and emotional Shia LaBeouf biopic – he’s even playing himself – except for the fact that in this movie he is 200 metres tall. It is never explicitly mentioned, or explained, and none of the characters react to him any differently, but he is still 200 metres tall. Shia LaBeouf, but the size of Canary Wharf. Every back-and-forth dialogue sequence induces vertigo and every wide angle shot only shows up to his socks. It would be a nightmare for framing, but it would work. I am certain it would work.
This could even be combined with hammerhead shark Shia. That’s all I’m saying. Is that it could.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 5: Shia LaBeouf reboots The Godfather trilogy and plays every single character.
Starring Shia LaBeouf as Vito, Sonny, Michael, Fredo, Connie, Vincent, Kay-Adams, Mary, Anthony and Carmela Corleone. And also as Tom Hagen. And also as everyone else.
I’m pretty sure this is something Shia has already pitched to movie execs. I’m pretty sure this is in post-production.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 6: Shia LaBeouf is played by his own foetus and the film is an ultrasound.
Silent. Black and white. The critics would go absolutely bananas for this. It would be the first film ever to clean-sweep the Academy Awards, even in categories it doesn’t qualify for. Best Foreign language Film? Shia LaBeouf’s Foetus. Best Costume Design? Shia LaBeouf’s Foetus. Best Supporting Actress? Yep. Shia LaBeouf’s foetus in Shia LaBeouf’s Foetus.
Alternate reality film number 7: Upside down Shia Labeouf
The entire film is the exact same as Honey Boy, but it is upside down. It is must be viewed whilst you are suspended from the ceiling via a thick rope tied around your ankles or whilst performing a headstand. The film is likely over two hours long. You will need to go to hospital afterwards. Your face will turn bright red and your head will explode like a molten sun. But you will get to watch Shia LaBeouf and feel the intense giddy joy of all the blood in your body gushing directly to your brain whilst you do it. Better than Transformers. Loads, loads better than Transformers. Infinitely better than Transformers.
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 8: Shia LaBeouf spends the entire movie trapped inside a coffin, inside a phone booth.
This is an ingenious cross between Ryan Reynolds’ Buried, a film about being buried alive, and Colin Farrell’s Phone Booth, a film about being in a phone booth for a bit. In the Shia LaBeouf adaptation he is inexplicably trapped in one, the coffin, whilst simultaneously trapped in the other, a phone booth. The film does not reveal how Shia LaBeouf found himself in the aforementioned predicament. I call it Phone Booth 2: I’m actually in a Coffin as well (Help!).
Alternate reality Shia LaBeouf film number 9: Ultimate Shia
Then there is the final alternate reality I can picture: Shia LaBeouf, but this Shia LaBeouf is played by Shia LaBeouf, only Shia LaBeouf is playing Shia LaBeouf as though he has no actual experience of being Shia LaBeouf, and doesn’t even know who Shia LaBeouf even is. In other words, Shia LaBeouf pretending not to be Shia LaBeouf whilst playing Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf completely unaware of his own existence, but attempting to bring it to life on screen. The ultimate Shia LaBeouf. The quintessential Shia LaBeouf.
Do you have a headache yet? Don’t worry, this will soon sort you out.
