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31st Jul 2019

Every 2019 Love Island contestant ranked from worst to best

Ciara Knight

It was what it was

Love Island 2019 has finished. We are now living in a post-apocalyptic world between the hours of 8-9pm, Sunday-Friday.

But we mustn’t cry because it is over. Heavens no. We must smile because it happened.

Then, we must rank the contestants from worst to best for no reason other than morbid curiosity.

Standard rules apply. Contestants that weren’t coupled-up with during the Casa Amor period are excluded from the list because I can’t remember their names anymore.

All decisions are final. Do not @ me.

31. George 

Gun to my head, I could not identify George’s speaking voice if there was a blind police lineup using just the medium of sound. Did he speak in the Love Island villa at all? Even once? Did he say anything, profound or otherwise? The only image that comes into my head when I think of Silent George is his little face trying not to laugh while he and Marvin were on the receiving end of a double-dumping from Maura and Lucie, as Marvin tried to fight back against Maura’s reasoning for dropping him. That’s George. A handsome but ultimately very silent man.

30. Sherif

Sherif, we barely knew ye. Although he lasted nine days in the villa, it felt like far less because he got so little airtime. From what we could gather, Sherif was a chill guy who enjoyed the finer things in life such as reminding Anna as much as possible that he followed her on Instagram since before they met. He hustled for that follow-back, which as of 18:04 on 31st July 2019, is still yet to come. His low placement in this list is solely due to circumstance. Had he spent longer in the villa, Sherif could’ve been one of the greats. Nevertheless, it was a good effort.

29. Marvin

He was a nice guy, he smiled a lot and kind of looked like Drake. But did he bring any excitement into the villa? Anything worth talking about to this very day? No. He didnae. Marvin got a nice little free holiday out of his Love Island experience, but what did he give us in return? Very little. The iconic double-dumping scene was deliciously uncomfortable viewing, but other than that? Nada. Should Maura have picked Dennon over Marvin? Frankly, Dennon’s sunglasses collection would’ve been a fun talking point for five minutes, so yes. She made a mistake.

28. Elma

My main memory of Elma was her being supremely horrified by Maura’s declarations of lust for Tommy during their first dates on the lawn. They both arrived into the villa at the same time and it was very clear from the outset that Elma was going to be the quiet one in comparison. She had her fun, entertaining Anton’s advances before being forced to leave the island alongside Joe after a brutal public vote. It can’t have been easy coming in as a pair with Maura, but she did her best. Side note, if Elma’s surname was Fud, she would’ve scored higher on this list.

27. Callum

Very tricky to remember a single thing about this guy other than the deservedly viral tweet where he was absolutely bodied for looking like Simon Cowell. Callum had a short-lived Love Island experience, trying to trick Amber into fancying him and then determinedly wearing sunglasses both during the day and at night after she joked that he didn’t look good in them. He probably would’ve developed into a decent source of banter, but sadly it wasn’t meant to be. Callum, based on what we got to see of him in five days, was a fun but airtime-deprived guy.

26. Stevie

It’s hard to describe Stevie without letting out a knowing chuckle and simply saying “Oh Stevie”. Mad respect to the guy, he decided to shoot his shot with Lucie in Casa Amor but she opted to couple up with one of the Von Trapp kids instead. He was a fun presence to watch in the surplus villa, sitting around stewing over his feelings for the girl who ate both an orange and an apple at the same time. Ultimately, he gave us very little in terms of entertainment value. He’s still Stevie, though, and forever will be. To Stevie *raises glass of lukewarm tap water*.

25. Harley

With a name as cool as Harley Brash, you’re going to need to either be the newest undercover detective on a gritty BBC police drama, or a type of cocktail in a biker bar. Those are your two options, unfortunately. Harley was a nice girl, she made Chris happy and enjoyed her very short amount of time in the Love Island villa. Are we going to remember her in a fortnight? Absolutely not. But will we sometimes hear her name when the wind blows in the dead of night, whistling through the air vent in your room, bringing a gentle chill over your body? Again, no.

24. Arabella

Remember that uneventful morning when Curtis legged it into the kitchen to be on time for his early morning shift as the villa’s official barista, but then something caught his attention and he comically ripped off his sunglasses to get a better view of the mysterious creature sat beside the pool? That was the most interesting thing about Arabella, despite it not even really involving her doing anything besides existing. Arabella came, she saw, she momentarily conquered Danny and then she left. It is what it is. She was what she was.

23. India

To be fair, when you’re coupled up with King Ovie, it’s likely that your personality is going to be slightly duller in comparison. But as a stand-alone entity, did India give us much entertainment value? She inadvertently led to Anna and Jordan’s demise, but that was all on Jordan. India seems like a chill girl who likes to go with the 6ft 7in flow. Plus, she put an infectious smile on Ovie’s face, which has to count for something. Would the series have been the same without her? Probably, yes. But she was a nice accompanying side dish to the main meal.

22. Joanna

Look, if you’re willing to go through the entire Love Island 2019 archive footage to find some evidence of Joanna doing anything resembling banter, or simply having a fun conversation that didn’t involve Amber, I’m happy to rejig the list in her favour. To the best of my knowledge, Joanna spent the entirety of her experience in the villa bitching about Amber with Michael. That was the basis of their relationship. She clawed back some credibility during the dumping when she told Michael he was a snake, so minor props for that.

21. Joe

Remember Joe? Remember when he dubbed himself and Lucie as ‘Juicy’? Feels like a lifetime ago, really. A simpler time, a time when a man could encourage a woman to be friends with other women simply because he wanted her to. Still, Joe was a short-lived contestant that didn’t get the chance to prove himself as a banter boi. Just sixteen days was all we got to spend in the company of our sandwich man who made precisely zero sandwiches for the villa’s inhabitants. That’s like a hairdresser withholding their services from the other islanders for no good reason.

20. Jourdan

Initially, it feels like Jourdan didn’t do or say a whole lot in the Love Island villa, instead coming in at a crucial time and causing everyone to fall in love with her through vibes alone. But think deeper. Remember how powerful Jourdan was with a firm silence as she allowed Curtis to declare his feelings for her, thereby exposing himself as a big game player? She let him unravel, only to chime in with a gentle suggestion that they remain friends at the very end. It was delicious. A mastermind in facilitating self-sabotage. Respect. She didn’t do much else, though.

19. Danny

Danny, Danny, Danny. Mate. What’s happened here? You’ve played this game all wrong. You could’ve been the hero that Yewande deserved, but you got greedy, infected by Anton’s famous wandering eye syndrome. You were the lead cause of your own demise and there is no pity here. Frankly, it made for decent television. We needed a villain during those initial few weeks, while things were boring as hell. Then when Arabella left, you continued to be on the prowl despite loud declarations of infatuation with her. Then, straight into Jourdan’s basket mere moments later! It was a delicious but somehow very boring performance. You love to see it.

18. Lucie

Aside from her failed efforts at trying to get the word ‘Bev’ off the ground, Lucie provided her fair share of TV gold during her time in the Love Island villa. Remember when she ate an apple and a banana at the same time? Sensational viewing. Or when her ex’s ex came into the villa and she was surprisingly chill about it? Or when she told Tommy she still liked him? We had some good content thanks to Lucie. But it also felt like the right time for her to leave when she did. Bev in peace, Lucie.

17. Francesca

A moment of appreciation for Francesca openly declaring that she had no choice but to couple up with Michael, thus sealing her fate as a short-lived Love Island contestant. She was a tragic victim of circumstance as she failed to secure a genuine reciprocated connection with anyone in the villa. But she had her moments. Her friendship with Chris was endearing to watch, as was her unearthed ancient tweet about the presenter of the show. She came across well in the villa and will surely secure work as an eyebrow model in the coming months. Well played.

16. Yewande

Yewande deserved better from Love Island but we failed her. The public vote, along with her fellow islanders, failed her. She made the most of her time in the villa, failing to compromise her standards for the garbage rodents that infested the island. Her friendship with Michael B.C. (Before Chaldish) was heartwarming to see as they supported each other through the complexities of island life, but then Danny came along and ruined everything. Yewande handled her unfair load with elegance and she deserved to make it to the end, frankly.

15. Belle

Aside from that one fiery outburst in the Love Island night club, Belle was a relatively quiet contestant. She coupled up with Anton in a drama-free manner and they quickly settled into their new life as a professional reality television couple. Credit where it’s due, her attitude towards Anton’s frequent stupidity was admirable, as was her willingness to take on the role of shaving his arse on a regular basis. Did she give us a consistent amount of TV gold? No, not based on how the show was edited anyway. Still, a nice girl. Her Dad scares me. No further comment.

14. Tommy

For precisely two weeks, Tommy was a national treasure. He was goofy, loveable and a reliable source of entertainment. He made an otherwise uneventful villa fun to observe. But then Molly-Mae came along and he got happy. Tommy Fury turned into a softie, one who still liked Hannah Montana but now had a better understanding of the lyrics thanks to his newfound brush with love. Remember that repugnant mayonnaise/cheese hybrid he concocted for Maura? That was quality television. But what did he do after that? Fell in love. Yuck. Boring. Ew.

13. Amy

I was coming back here to tell you that I support you, Amy. You were done rotten by dirty Curty and leaving the villa was a baller move, done out of the utmost respect for yourself and everyone involved. Your Love Island experience wasn’t without its glitches, some of the Lucie stuff got a bit hairy at times, but we mustn’t dwell on the past. Any of Amy’s previous actions were absolved of all sin in the exact moment where she stood up, dusted herself off and flew home with a cool 1.1m followers and got a banging new haircut.

12. Greg

Two weeks! Just two weeks this young man spent in the Love Island villa and he walked away with a cool £25k. And he managed to do it all without being a massive prick to anyone in the process? We simply have to stan. Greg was a very typical Nice Guy, in that he got on well with everyone, stayed loyal to Amber and took full advantage of the free holiday that was handed to him. Greg gives hope to all future Love Island standby contestants. You could enter that villa two days before the final and still end up winning if you stay unproblematic and have a nice smile.

11. Molly-Mae

Categorically, Molly-Mae was a slightly above average Love Island contestant. She didn’t shy away from arguments, she lost her cool on multiple occasions and was actually very loyal to her friends. She also showed exceptional maturity for a 20-year-old. Remember when Maura tried to steal Tommy from her? They later became best friends, as opposed to mortal enemies. Nobody even spat in anyone’s tea? It was unprecedented. Things got boring when her and Tommy fell in love because the general public are messy bitches who live for drama, but it was a solid effort over all.

10. Jordan

“Man’s got a girlfriend now”, he bragged, and then proceeded to lose said girlfriend less than 48 hours later. Jordan was the villain we both wanted and deserved this series. He was a master of disguise, seemingly enamoured with Anna until she left for Casa Amor and he tried to crack on with Jourdan. When it became clear that she wasn’t interested, he was forced to retreat back to his position as a devoted man. We forgot about his errors of the past, almost feeling sorry for the guy as he had to watch Anna progress with Ovie. She eventually returned to his arms, and he fucked it. Jordan absolutely fucked it with a disinterested India. His actions were unforgivable, but by God did it make for excellent TV. He played us all, every single one of us.

9. Anna

Probably one of the most divisive contestants on this year’s Love Island, every viewer seems to have a strong opinion on Anna, whether good or bad. But we must look at her objectively. What did she bring into the villa? Frankly, a large amount of fire in her belly. She stuck up for her friends, albeit often in an aggressive way, and held herself in high enough regard to not tolerate anyone’s bullshit. At a time when the world is in absolute chaos, we need several more Annas in society. Imagine someone stole your phone in a nightclub. Anna would barricade the doors shut and subject everyone to a strip search until she found the culprit, then she would have them publicly flogged until they apologised. That’s the kind of chaotic energy we need right now. Be more Anna.

8. Anton

In terms of comedy value during the first couple of weeks, Anton was carrying the show entirely by himself. The revelation about Anton’s mother’s dedication to shaving his arse came about on the very first day and continued to be a major talking point throughout the series, which speaks volumes. He was a great friend to everyone in that villa while he persevered through his search for love, and proved that good things really do come to those who wait. Anton is the kind of guy you’d want to go bowling with, because the activity itself is quite shit, but the company would be above average and you’d have a good laugh at his rogue technique. 10/10 would drink a beer with.

7. Curtis

The Lovely Young Lady Identifier was the architect of his own demise during the series, but it was positively delicious to watch. Once the seed of doubt regarding Amy started to seep through, we got to witness a real-life performative identity crisis unfolding in front of our very eyes. If Curtis wasn’t going to be the Jack (of Jack & Dani fame) of this series, where would he land? Chief barista? Hopeless romantic? Dancer without a partner? The character arc for Curtis was revolutionary. He fucked it so many times. Then just when you thought he couldn’t fuck things anymore, he gave shitty advice to Jordan, thereby fucking everything once more. His genuine intentions are yet to be interpreted by a team of highly-trained behavioural scientists, but they are all in agreement that Curtis Pritchard gave us a plethora of delightfully cringe moments throughout the series, and that’s what reality television is all about. Curtis, thank you for being a hot mess of a Love Island contestant.

6. Michael

The PR team behind the words ‘pathetic’ and ‘childish’ owe a great deal to Michael Griffiths thanks to his stellar performance on this year’s Love Island extravaganza. Despite us all being in full agreement that Michael could’ve handled things a lot differently throughout his time in the villa, we must give credit where it’s due. The series was far too easy to watch until Michael went rogue while the girls were away in Casa Amor. He handed victory to Amber through his questionable actions and then got mad at himself for doing it. Michael’s decisions were the reality show equivalent of the underdog team scoring an own goal, then getting so mad about scoring an own goal, that they go ahead and score another own goal out of spite. It was a BAFTA-worthy performance. We may never see a true villain of Michael’s calibre on our screens again, be it a reality or fictional show. Thank you, chaldish one.

5. Tom

Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, TOM. Buddy. In your own words, you’ve fucked it, haven’t you? But on behalf of the nation, thank you for inspiring The Greatest TV Moment of 2019. You absolute buffoon, what is wrong with you? You were given the opportunity to share a night in the hideaway with Maura and all you had to do was be polite and respectful. That’s it. Not a huge task, but your undying commitment to being a big bloody LAD got in the way, didn’t it? You fucked it. “It’ll be interesting to see if she’s all mouth” is going to be etched on your gravestone, champ. It was a pleasure doing business with you, Tom. Thank you for the memories. You sacrificed your own happiness for misguided banter. You win nothing except a high spot on this questionable list. Watching you shooting yourself simultaneously in both feet was a pleasure. You big bloody numpty.

4. Amber

Please! Step! Aside! For! The! Winner! Of! Love! Island! 2019! Amber started the series as a savage, gently but firmly rejecting Callum’s timid advances while she slowly sized up her options in the villa. Credit where it’s due, she accurately described Michael as looking like someone who would ruin her life upon their first meeting, but in an exciting turn of events, she stopped that from happening at just the right moment. Amber was a genuine source of comfort to her friends in the villa, even adopting a 6ft 7in older brother in the process. Then her bumpy path to love got back on track with the arrival of a polite Irish boy from Limerick. Things steadily fell into place and she remained dignified and entertaining throughout. What a gal. What a time. What a Love Island.

3. Chris

If you weren’t reduced to a blubbering mess when Chris got upset about feeling as though he had never really ‘fit in’ before being saved from dumping off the island, you are made of stone and I urge you to seek medical help. Chris spent a measly 15 days in the villa and immediately sparked outrage among viewers that the decision was made to withhold his brilliant from the show for an inhumane 37 days. Imagine if we had had this magnificent creature in our lives from day one, imagine the memes, imagine the lols. Still, what we had was glorious from start to finish. He brought us the Silly Salmon and the knowledge that if you’re determined enough, you can carve the word ‘sorry’ out of toast. We are not worthy. We must protect Chris at all costs. Get him on Strictly. Get him into the I’m A Celeb jungle. Get him on The Chase. Just get him back on our TV screens in a regular capacity. Thank you.

2. Ovie

Show me a more wholesome Love Island contestant than Ovie Soko and I will show you a mirror so that you can see what a liar looks like. There wasn’t a single moment of Ovie airtime this series that disappointed. Even when he’s making breakfast, the man is a joy to watch. Between his absurdly trendy collection of hats, jazzy clothes and relentlessly cool demeanour, a more joyous reality TV contestant you simply will not find. I would watch Ovie cutting the grass, squeezing pimples, trying his best to get the end out of a tube of toothpaste, truly anything. He is a precious member of society who deserves the world. Much like Chris, he should’ve been in the villa from day one. We got 32 days of Ovie Soko and it still wasn’t enough. If I think about his unrelenting friendship with Amber for too long, I will start involuntarily crying. I hope that he and India stay together forever. I hope he never feels an ounce of sadness for the rest of his life. I would die for Ovie Soko, if he would simply let me.

1. Maura

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for your Undisputed Best Islander of 2019, Maura Higgins. On the tenth day, God created Maura and she entered the villa with a view to having a bloody good time. She didn’t hit the ground running, she obliterated it, shaking up what was otherwise an uncomfortably harmonious household. The series was on its knees, entertainment-wise, before Maura came along. There’s a very real chance that Maura is currently undergoing intensive chiropractic services right now as a direct result of single-handedly carrying Love Island 2019. She was unapologetically herself from start to finish, rightfully bodying Tom for his stupidity, forging a legitimate friendship with the girlfriend of the object of her affections after being rejected, pursuing the least desirable guy in the villa, she did it all. We are not worthy. Imagine how boring the series would’ve been without Maura Higgins. The world changed on 12th June 2019. We can never go back. We’re different now, but for the better. The only logical next step is to award Maura with the now-vacant Jeremy Kyle slot. Please, ITV, make it happen.

Images via ITV