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23rd Jun 2018

Jack’s ex-girlfriend could be entering Love Island

A cat is well and truly being placed amongst the pigeons

Kyle Picknell

Trouble is on the horizon for Jack and Dani

First, let me begin this Kyle Picknell/Love Island collaboration with a little ditty known as ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ by DJ Wagner, which will no doubt be playing full blast from a helicopter as former pen salesman Jack watches former girlfriend Keeley MacGuire enter the villa with a Parker fountain pen between her teeth as napalm bombs drop into the sea around them.


Now then. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well Love Island producers. Well, well, well, well. Isn’t this quite the devious manoeuvre, quite the cat amongst the pigeons, quite the bit of awful, awful bastardry?

It was all going a bit too well for Jack and Danny Dyer’s Dani Dyer wasn’t it? You couldn’t stand it, could you?

It was all a bit too smooth for your liking, huh, the possibility that they may have actually found some semblance of love on your snake-ridden hellhole designed to break people into a million pieces through Adam and Adam’s Steve Bruce Geordie accent repeating, once again: “The thing is like, yeah I do fancy her, and like I do fancy you as well and want to get to know yas. But the thing is like, I also fancy that shrub over there, and the swimming pool, and like the harrowing spectre of my own mortality. I just want a shag like. Off anything.”

Planning to insert an actual human-shaped wedge between the only couple on the show is heartless, even for you, the nameless faceless Love Island producer I am scolding. I thought better of you, I honestly did. I’m not angry, I’m not even disappointed, I’m just concerned.

Not for Love Island‘s moral compass it never had but for sheer terror actual Danny Dyer is going to rain down on you after the only man his daughter has ever loved leaves her for his ex-girlfriend after she whispers in his ear that she wants to shove a biro up his arse.

Again, deeply concerned.

Keeley was an unsuccessful applicant during this year’s Love Island recruitment process, but has since been reconsidered by the heartless bastards running the show after the villa has run a bit stale, what with Samira completely disappearing from the edit episode after episode, Alex skipping about like he’s performing a musical number nobody else is aware of and Adam repeatedly dishing out custard pies to himself live on national television all becoming a little bit tedious.

Definitely, definitely trusted insiders have told reputable source the Daily Star that the ‘dead ringer for Dani’ even know she looks absolutely nothing like her, not even a little bit, like literally couldn’t look any less like her, quit her office job on Thursday and is jetting to Mallorca as we speak to cause unbridled mayhem.

Love Island spokesperson has since confirmed that Keeley, pictured above, obviously, did apply for the show but added that “any names are at this point pure speculation” meaning that she definitely, definitely, 100% is going to make an appearance on the show so it isn’t all just a cakewalk for the only people looking like they actually want to win the damn thing.

I’m Kyle Picknell and this has been your Love Island news for today. Yes, yes I can confirm somebody somewhere does actually care but thank you for your concern.