Detailing every cringe moment from 'Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance'
Out of ten? I'm giving it a JESUS NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance is a Lifetime production that chronicles Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's love story.
For context, it's important to inform you that Lifetime is an American entertainment channel that airs Project Runway, America's Supernanny, Wife Swap, Grey's Anatomy and basically everything you flick past when you're off sick from work.
Now they've turned their efforts to the Royals with a straight-to-TV movie and against every fibre of my better judgement, I watched it in its entirety.
I will now detail my findings below to save you the bother of viewing what I'm comfortably deeming as The Worst Movie Of All Time Yes Even Worse Than La La Land.
The role of Prince Charles was generously cast
No, that is not Alan Partridge in 20 years, it is Prince Charles. That is precisely what he looks like in movie form. Sure.
The shittest and most obvious joke arrived like a beacon in the night and they absolutely went for it
Meghan is on set recording Suits. She's airing a grievance with the director, querying a line that she doesn't feel her character would ever say because she's "an empowered woman". Then she speaks about the next scene, asking why her character is in a towel when it's set in the middle of the day. Meghan proposes that her character wears a suit because "it's the name of the show" and at that exact moment the light went out of my life. That happens 6 minutes and 32 seconds into a 1 hour 38 minute long movie. The director agrees to rethink things and Meghan ends the interaction by saying these exact words "Thanks dude, appreciate you hearing me out", then she gives him a playful punch in the arm, turns on her heel and winks at him. I mean?? What.
Seeing a movie representation of William and Kate is chilling because it kind of looks like Kate but that man is absolutely your mate's cousin you once met at a BBQ
On his first date with Meghan, Prince Harry arranged for his driver to burst in with "an emergency" just in case she was a melt
The worst actor in the world interrupts their date roughly thirty seconds after Harry arrived, saying "There's been an emergency". Meghan queries what's happened, to which the driver says "London Bridge...." and Harry finishes "...is falling down". This is funny for two reasons, firstly because it is absolute dog shit dialogue, but also because that phrase is actually code for 'The Queen has died'. Research, Lifetime. Research.
After their first date, Meghan's Mum asks her if she gave "the milk away for free"
Sex. She's asking if they had sex. Meghan needs to sue Lifetime for this reason alone. What a turn of phrase.
Three days after their first date, Meghan is halfway through reading The Crown and Harry is watching Suits
Was this screenplay written by a 14-year-old creative writing student? Because it certainly feels that way.
Harry surprised Meghan by dressing her dogs up because they are very fun and relatable and quirky
What a wholesome couple, they fly private jets all over the world to see each other and then they dress their dogs up on Halloween. Aw.
The couple went to a fancy dress party dressed as a frog and Hillary Clinton
Let's be real, Prince Harry's typical fancy dress attire is usually a smidge more controversial than an amphibian.
Some guy was hassling Harry at a party and legitimately said "Your grandma can kiss my ass"
Ooh. Hit him where it hurts sir. Also, congratulations on graduating from the Enid Blyton school of how to construct a cutting insult.
To signify their temporary breakup (spoiler alert) Meghan gives Harry back his bracelet
Such a nice bracelet. Blue, white and navy go with everything. Meghan must've been so relieved to get it back when they reconciled 30 minutes later.
Look at the actor versions of Prince Charles and Camilla. Just look at them FFS
Harry offers to get Meghan a dirty martini which embarrasses her, so Camilla announces that she also loves a dirty martini and then winks intensely at Meghan
Another incredibly generous casting, is Camilla.
Kate described one of her friends as 'a bit of a back and front' and Meghan didn't get it
C**T! She was saying C**T!!!!!!
A lion almost savages them to death, but stops once he realises that they are royalty
Who the fuck wrote this movie, who okayed it, who allowed it to go into production and WHO let it go to air?
Someone's Nan (The Queen) throws shade at The Crown because she is a messy bitch who lives for drama
When Harry takes Meghan to meet Her Majesty, the dialogue is, as expected, utterly chronic. The Queen says "You're an actress... are you involved with that programme The Crown?", to which Meghan denies any involvement and The Queen quips "Oh good. Then we won't have to throw you in the tower". *eyes roll back so far into head they can briefly see through space and time*
The movie ends with Meghan saying to Harry "Are you ready for this?", to which he responds "Yep. Showtime"
It ends as it begins, utterly nonsensical. Harry doesn't need to be ready for anything. It's Meghan who should be given the opportunity to back out since it's all new to her. Why would she ask him that question? This movie is trash. Please do not watch it. I beg you.
All images via Lifetime