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9th May 2017
04:49pm BST
Just to really hammer this point home, Bear is basically doing the exact opposite of being rescued at the beginning of the show. Presumably, the end goal here for our Bear is to get rescued, via helicopter or otherwise, to then rejoin civilisation. Perhaps we could cancel the following 52 minutes of ensuing bullshit if Mr. Grylls resisted the temptation of parachuting from a helicopter to his voluntary near-death experience. Just a thought.
In one particular episode, Bear uses a smoke grenade to mark out the perfect area on top of a frozen lake to parachute onto, which perfectly mimics these types of survival situations that people often find themselves in - aiding their fall with the use of Army-grade paraphernalia. The helicopter itself is positioned perfectly so it's a straight fall down to his cushy new home, with a butler, pot of tea and toasted crumpets waiting for Bear. He is nothing, if not a hero and a survivor.
Alternatively, Bear could halt himself from parachuting so gingerly from the helicopter by leaving the parachute behind and jumping to several broken bones and a smidge of internal bleeding. At least that would make the stranded storyline more realistic, plus the viewers would get to hear a multitude of posh profanities from the Eton-educated ex-Army man. "Well bugger that, I've sustained an injury. Oh dear. Oh goodness", would be the height of it, I imagine.
2. Bear is always wearing the appropriate clothing for his seemingly off the cuff survival situation
The entire mindset for watching Man vs Wild is to stockpile information as to what we should do when we all inevitably get stranded in a scenario not dissimilar to the first season of Lost (I stopped watching after that). I think Bear knows that too. He's all too aware that his audience isn't watching out of some perverted interest in seeing him drink his own piss, he knows we're misery fantasists. We've all imagined our own funerals, who's going to be the most upset and who'll scream 'NOOOOOOOOO' as the coffin is lowered into the ground. It's perfectly normal human behaviour.
Bear takes advantage of that. He's luring us in with our preemptive panicked minds, but giving us unrealistic information. I won't have an insulated jacket, pocketknife and sturdy exploration shoes with me on my flight to one of several honeymoons in Mauritius when we go down. I'll be wearing a Maxi dress, gladiator sandals and a floaty hat, thank you very much. Fashioning my parachute into a tent using weatherproof shoelaces just isn't going to be an option for me in the Arctic Circle, bear.
There's a 100% chance that Bear's local army surplus store is laughing all the way to the bank because of his unnecessary expenditure with them. He definitely has an underground bunker beside his house and 4,000 canned goods in the event of The Walking Dead coming to life. He wants it to happen. Bear is gagging for a worldwide outbreak of hysteria and life-threatening incidents so that he can prove to us all that he's the ultimate survivor. Prove it, Bear. Go on Survivor and win it. Win the whole show, you chicken shit.
3. People don't know how to tie fancy knots, Bear. We can't set out traps for delicious wildlife like you can
Bear is the least relatable man on the planet. He's the youngest ever Chief Scout in the UK, he was in the British Army for 3 years, he was awarded the honorary ranks of lieutenant commander in the Royal Naval Reserve and lieutenant colonel in the Royal Marines Reserve, FFS. I have a double-jointed tongue and once burnt water.
Also, as I've previously touched on, when a regular run of the mill moron such as myself gets stranded in the middle of nowhere, it's highly unlikely I'm going to have hundreds of metres of parachute chord at my disposal, since I don't plan on parachuting from a helicopter to my demise just yet. At best, I could pull some hair from my scalp to plait it into a cute little braid like that raccoon did in Pocahontas, but that is literally the extent of my skill set.
Bear just doesn't get it. Knots are difficult, why else would magicians use them in their tricks? You don't see a magician incorporating the menial task of putting £1 into a trolley to unlock it for use, because that shit is easy. Bear doesn't realise that the best us muggles can do with a knot is tie our shoes and maybe a tie if our primary schools were posh - that's it.
4. The average person doesn't know how to kill an animal, nor subsequently what to do with it once it's dead
I watched an episode where Bear successfully trapped a reindeer, killed it and then slashed its throat. That episode aired close to Christmas and everyone in the room agreed that that scheduling decision was made in very poor taste.
After Bear ruined Christmas and Rudolph's hope at having a long life span, Bear then DRANK the reindeer's blood as it gushed from its recently slitted neck. Apparently it's full of protein. What isn't full of protein is turning into a vampire, which appears to be of little concern to Bear. In life or death situations, a real survivor would never drink reindeer blood because turning into a vampire is a very real threat that could hinder your chances of survival should you happen upon some wild garlic.
Bear instinctively knew that the reindeer needed to be gutted (in terms of removing its organs, not to feel upset) and was nothing short of profusely efficient in getting the best cut of meat from Rudolph, almost as if a butcher was on hand to advise him? Stranger things have happened. In reality, a regular person would try to befriend the reindeer, gain his trust and then politely ask him to drag their sleigh to the nearest airport so they could catch a flight home. Bear's unrealistic survival guide strikes again.
5. Bear conveniently stumbles across abandoned properties more often than is believable, frankly
In one episode, Bear spots (from a mile off) an abandoned lodge that he can tell from the outside hasn't been inhabited "in quite some time". Conveniently, the door was unlocked, it was packed with firewood and an old pair of skis (FFS). If it happened to have central heating, fast WiFi and a box of cronuts waiting, we could've referred to it as a Bear trap, but unfortunately that situation didn't arise.
Armed with his fresh cut of reindeer meat, Bear goes about making a fire to cook up a jazzy little gourmet meal for himself. With no explanation whatsoever, Bear somehow ignites a fire with a knife and a piece of stone, then places a pot of water upon it to boil. Where did the pot come from? Simple: He magicked it there, just as you will do when you're stranded in the Arctic Circle. May as well magic a rescue helicopter together as well if you've time.
What luck for young Bear cub, after having a more thorough rummage around the abandoned lodge, he discovered more helpful items like an old wire and a pair of curtains. If he found a more realistic format for a survival television series, I would've stood up out of my seat, applauded and vowed never to diss this show again. Alas, no luck.
6. Some of Bear's advice is extremely questionable, at best
During his Arctic Circle exploration, Bear encounters a flowing river that needs to be crossed so that he can make his way to safety. Logically, Bear strips down to the nip and paddles his way across, using a block of ice to float his bag across beside him.
Logically, Bear could've found a different way across the freezing cold lake, perhaps following it down until some sort of magical bridge appeared. Which is a more likely scenario: Bear finding a pair of skis along his way, or there being an end to the river at some point? Well, he found the fucking skis so I'm willing to hedge my bets on this one.
To get warm, Bear lights another magic fire and sticks on his clothes that miraculously stayed dry in his waterproof backpack that a stranded person is 100% guaranteed to have at their disposal. What a win! Bear may as well have advised the viewer to summon all their strength together and flown across the river, because both scenarios would have an equal success rate.
7. Your chances of survival are slightly higher when you have an entire fucking film crew with you at all times
Bear does a good impression of someone that's stranded in the wilderness alone, but the truth is that he has at least two other people with him at any given time. Those two people could be Ernest Shackleton and Christopher Columbus for all the viewer knows, but regardless, they're there and have a large amount of production equipment in tow. Maybe even snacks.
Perhaps one of the crew has brought a mobile phone with them and that mobile phone contains the contact number for the helicopter pilot that dropped them off in the middle of nowhere in the first place. Maybe, just maybe, if Bear drinks his own piss, they could unlock the phone using a standard four-digit code or fingerprint, then call for help.
Alternatively, should anything potentially dangerous happen to Bear, he's got the support of others to look out for him. What about me? What am I supposed to do when I get stranded? I'll be alone, with my memories of how fucking irritatingly unrealistic Man vs Wild was. Fuck you, Bear. That's my blood on your hands, and your piss at the side of your own mouth.
8. As fucking if there are boat materials lying around waiting for Bear Grylls to assemble them
In what is sure to be the most convenient 52 minutes of all eternity, Bear somehow makes his way to the ocean surrounding the Arctic Circle. But what's waiting there for him? A rescue team? A magic submarine waiting to escort Bear to safety? A hoard of angry reindeers wondering where Rudolph went? No. Just a selection of conveniently scattered boat materials.
Bear fashions together a boat far sturdier than he deserves (I've seen Cast Away) and gently drifts his way into the path of a shipping lane. Just as one of the containers starts to take on water, Bear conveniently comes across a dead seal, so cuts off some of his blubber to start a fire. Perhaps he could've used some of the paper his nearby producer was holding onto to keep track of the day's running order?
Miraculously, Bear makes it to a small island near the shipping lane, starts a signal fire with the seal blubber and by sheer coincidence, a nearby shipping vessel notices the fire and brings him to safety. What a wonderfully happy and entirely coincidentally perfect ending :) Get fucked, Grylls.
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