Manchester United set to miss out on the signing of Kem from Love Island

Manchester United have been dealt a fresh transfer blow with the news that another man who was never even considered a target by Jose Mourinho will not be arriving at Old Trafford this summer.

Following reported setbacks in their imaginary pursuits of the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Michael Keane, Ousmane Dembele and half of the Monaco team, it now seems certain that United will not be signing Kem, a contestant on ITV2's Love Island, ahead of the new football season. Despite the obvious fact that a defensive midfielder would be viewed as a more useful addition to Mourinho's first team squad than a 21-year-old Essex-born hairdresser, we feel it is our duty as a media outlet to report that Kem is one of over 7 billion human beings that will not become a player for the 20-times English champions this summer - or at any point in his life, for that matter. This news will come as little surprise to United supporters, who have gown used to a relentless stream of stories from the press detailing how the club have 'missed out' or 'been rejected' in their attempts to land transfer targets, many of which are either not footballers, or long dead. It has since become clear that Kem's comments during Monday evening's Love Island, in which he was heard describing how he needed to "move on", were made about his fractious relationship with fellow contestant, Amber - not his desire to seal a move to the Theatre of Dreams.