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16th October 2018
02:03pm BST
What are you, afraid of damaging your eyes in the sun? Sissy. Trying to hide your unkempt hair? Loser. Showing support for your favourite football team? Wimp. Real men don't wear hats. They allow their scalp to sizzle away in the sun, increasing the risk of skin cancer. James Bond doesn't wear a hat. Not unless it's a trilby and it ties his whole outfit together, giving it a playful edge. Liverpool is a football team comprised entirely of men. Men supporting other men? The emasculation meter is off the charts. Lock this man up.
What are you, trying to improve your vision? Ensuring that you can see any potential hazards that may impede your ability to safely carry your baby around town? Sad case. Be a real man. Go about your daily life with impaired vision, bumping into things and endangering your life and the lives of others by improperly identifying basic road safety signs. James Bond hasn't got glasses, he's got sunglasses, sure, but that is simply because he is a fashion icon. Secret Service agents aren't hired if their eyes don't work. How would they be able to spot pretty ladies from across the room? Man up, Daniel.
What are you, easily contactable while out and about with your new baby? Ready to tend to your wife's needs by being just a phone call away at any moment? Pitiful. A real man doesn't use a mobile phone, he simply howls into the abyss, relying on human instinct to heed his calls. James Bond doesn't use a mobile phone, he whispers his messages into his smart watch which translates them to text and sends them to the necessary person. (Half a man point to Craig for opting to bareback his phone without a protective case, but he is still a soft boy for having one in the first place).
What are you, trying to stay warm as the temperature slowly plummets to the appropriate seasonal average? Going to or from the gym to stay in shape for your latest role which is physically very demanding? Namby-pamby boy. Brave the autumnal chill like the rest of us, barelegged and proud. Expose your upper thighs for all to see, coward. Leggings are for girls. Real men don't even wear pants, they proudly display their naked form for all to see. James Bond wears pants but that's only because he doesn't want to arouse suspicion of his true identity and also his legs are very slender.
What are you, looking after your feet by dressing them appropriately for the task at hand? Wuss. Socks are often referred to as 'loser uniforms' because they're so tragic. Real men don't wear socks, nor do they wear any footwear whatsoever. They roam around barefoot, foraging for nuts and berries, completely nude and unshaven. They communicate in a series of grunts and have never been to a dentist. Real men have calloused feet, hands and butts. They are not susceptible to marketing ploys which infiltrate the mind and convince you that clothes and shoes are everyday necessities. James Bond might wear shoes, but that's just so it doesn't hurt when he's kicking bad guys in the face. Get a clue, idiot.
What are you doing, trying to safely navigate your way across a busy intersection whilst tending to your precious baby? Pansy. Real men cross the road wherever they like. They don't even check both sides for oncoming vehicles, they'll just blindly enter the road and allow the traffic to dodge them, such is the prowess of their manliness. Should an incident occur, they will use their undeniable man strength to overcome adversity. Real men ignore pedestrian crossings. James Bond doesn't even walk anywhere, he uses a hover board and the gift of personal flight capabilities.
What are you, a caring Dad who wants to be close to his newborn child in a completely natural way? Wet blanket. Real men carry their children by the scruff of the neck and at arm's length so as to avoid any physical contact (which is a sure sign of weakness). A Papoose is often referred to as a 'chump garment' because that is the specific criteria of its users. Daniel Craig is a weak man and an effeminate one. His tender love for his own flesh and blood is pathetic. The real James Bond doesn't even know his children.
WHAT ARE YOU, A BIG SOFTIE WHO INSTINCTIVELY WANTS TO PROTECT HIS BABY? GET A GRIP. BE JAMES BOND. YOU CAN KILL A MAN IN FOUR SECONDS FLAT. YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING BY HIGHLIGHTING THE FACT THAT YOU ARE MERELY AN ACTOR WHO HAS A LIFE OUTSIDE THE CHARACTERS YOU PLAY, ONE THAT INVOLVES CARING FOR YOUR NEWBORN BABY. BE A REAL MAN. SHOOT SOME BAD GUYS WITH A GUN. DRIVE A SPORTS CAR. DRINK AN ALCOHOL. EXPLODE A BUILDING. BE A MAN, CRAIG. HOLD YOUR BABY IN YOUR BARE HANDS LIKE RAFIKI DOES WITH SIMBA IN THE LION KING. STOP BEING SO EMASCULATED. YOU ARE RUINING A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT'S PART OF A FRANCHISE SPANNING OVER 60 YEARS WITH MULTIPLE ACTORS PLAYING THE LEAD ROLE FOR EVERYONE. STUPID SEXY EMASCULATED ZADDY BOND.
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