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09th Jun 2017

Theresa May’s poor lipstick application cost her the election, probably

Should have sorted her oral commissures

Ciara Knight

Theresa May can’t apply lipstick for shit.

Sure, an abundance of poor leadership skills might’ve had something to do with her losing the election, but let’s call a spade a spade here: Theresa’s lipstick application cost her the election.

Of all the remarks that have been made about Theresa May in recent months, I firmly believe that she will take this one to heart and I’ll carry that weight with me until the day that I leave this godforsaken world, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay if it spurs an overhaul of her lipstick application process.

Sit back and gorge yourself on the following receipts.

Exhibit A – Lower Lip Insufficiency

I’m prepared to give Theresa the benefit of the doubt in this early stage of the investigation, using the hypothesis that perhaps she’s applied this lipstick several hours earlier and it has suffered the harsh reality of everyday wear and tear. What I’m not prepared to do is go easy on her. Not one single solitary bit.

Just look at the harrowing amount of untouched lip. I find it hard to believe that the lipstick has worn off to such severe levels as we’re seeing above. There’s simply too much vacant lip area that’s unaccounted for here. Let’s take a closer look.

Hear that? It’s the sound of communal gasping across the country right now. As we all know, the zoom tool is absolutely nobody’s friend. Harshness aside, what I’ve uncovered here is worse that initially thought. There are children smaller than the unaccounted for areas of lip here. Was the lipstick applied by a team of sophisticated beautician ants? No. They know better.

Exhibit B – Cupid’s Bow Enhancement

Started from the bottom (lip), now we’re here, focusing on the equally abhorrent top lip. The alleged ‘difficult woman’ may have led us to believe that she possesses a stiff upper lip, but her lipstick application efforts suggest otherwise. That lip, much like Theresa’s campaign, is weak and wobbly. How else can you explain such a poor effort of beauty maintenance? You simply cannot.

The little dip everyone has in the top lip is called ‘cupid’s bow’, as it’s said to resemble the bow of Cupid, the Roman God of erotic love. Perhaps in Theresa’s instance, we could rename it ‘in-flight seagull’, as that dip is lower than any dance routine exhibited in Grease and Strictly Ballroom combined.

I beg you, Theresa, set your upper lip free to be with its avian friends. It’s unfair to keep it cooped up in that hot lipstick mess you’ve got cooking up. When a songbird reaches 3 years of age, it flees the nest. Theresa, you are 60 years old, please just allow your top lip to roam free.

Exhibit C – Naked Oral Commissures

That’s right, the corner of your mouth has a proper name and it’s an oral commissure. Did I just Google that? Absofuckinglutely, yes.

Theresa May’s lipstick is so far away from her oral commissures, they’re all in different postcodes. Theresa May’s lipstick is so far away from her oral commissures, they have to check the time difference before they ring each other. Theresa May’s lipstick is so far away from her oral commissures, they have to take two flights, three trains and a taxi if they want to see each other.

What I’m saying is that her lipstick doesn’t reach the corner of her mouth. It can be a tricky process trying to navigate the lipstick in such a way that you hit the corner and the right spot of the top and bottom lips at the same time, but let me assure you, it’s entirely possible. What this boils down to is laziness. She’s not prepared to fight for this country and she’s sure as shit not prepared to fight for a fuller lip.

Exhibit D – Wonky Outlines

Far be it from Theresa May to outline anything that you can’t apply the term ‘strong and stable’ to, am I right? Yes. I am right.

One has to question whether Theresa May applies her lipstick in the car on a road with multiple potholes using a vibrating toothbrush. If that’s the case, she’s doing a very decent job. If the circumstance is anything other than that, we have a serious issue on our hands.

As you can see, I’ve traced a rough outline of Theresa’s lipstick application. Admittedly, mine is a shaky effort so we’ve both got something in common. Regardless, it’s clear to see that her line of attack is flawed. What in the name of shite is happening in the left corner? Did she have a momentary lapse in concentration, her thoughts consumed with trying to figure out why they use microphones on Lip Sync Battle? Probably, and to be quite honest I don’t blame her.

A slice of cheese would put in a better effort that this monstrosity. That jagged outline of lipstick is offensive. I am outraged on behalf of the nation. How can we possibly trust a woman who hasn’t invested her time and money in a decent lipliner and quick YouTube tutorial? If taxpayers’ funds were set aside for this reason, very few would complain.

Exhibit E – Internal Application


Excuse the profanities. But look at the colour of the outside of her lips and look at the colour coming from the inside. They are so similar it has just sent a shiver down my spine. Not content with my visual assessment of the situation, I’m enlisting the help of some of the most advanced technology the world has ever seen. That’s right bitches, it’s time for the eyedropper tool.

Are you seeing what I am seeing, Britain? Those colours are very bloody similar. If you allow a little leeway for general wear and tear along with the implications of saliva interference, we are essentially looking at the same colour both on the inside and outside of Theresa May’s lips. It’s just dawned on me that perhaps I’m quite literally in too deep on this one, but I don’t care. I want the truth.

Theresa May is applying lipstick to the inside AND outside of her lips. This explains why the outer appearance is so shabby, she’s splitting her time to put in a severe amount of effort on the inner areas. You could somehow concoct a shitty metaphor here about how it’s what’s on the inside that counts, but I forbid it. What we’re looking at here is downright lunacy.

In conclusion, how can this woman be expected to lead a country when she can’t lead a simple lipstick around her own mouth?

Thank you for your time. I am happy to receive my Pulitzer Prize by post or at a designated collection point.