It’s another leaders debate, this time without Nicola Sturgeon (I think she had a dentist appointment) and without Theresa May (she was hiding in a bin).
So how did it go? It went as well as you think it may have gone.
The first question was about living standards. Theresa May’s robot stand-in Amber Rudd said the Tories ‘were doing all that they could do’, which was met with the baffling confusion you get when you open a new yoghurt and find it has gone off. Corbyn came in like a politician on a zip line that worked and talked some sense for a bit. Paul Nuttall somehow managed to talk about immigrants for some reason because you know, UKIP.
The second question was immigration. Paul Nuttall’s cock flew off and hit Angus Robertson in the eye. It was chaos. Nuttall went on a sixteen hour filibuster in which he said the only immigrants that should be allowed in Britain are either Tin Tin or Wombles. It was entirely so confusing that the BBC bosses just decided to show 5 minutes of the Last of The Summer Wine to see if anyone would notice. Leanne Wood and Caroline Lucas went on the defensive and spoke some sense for a bit but no one paid any attention because Paul Nuttall was now screaming the word “IMMIGRANT” at a Canadian Goose that had somehow found its way into the hall.
The third question was on the subject of money for public services. Amber Rudd said that we should judge the Tories on their record on this subject, the audience then proceeded to laugh, which was the only moment of slight elation before the reality of this painful election process came crushing down on them again. Even the other party leaders lost their minds. Tim Farron continued to look like a violent balloon that was deflating. There were no other statements, everyone just laughed at the Tories for 10 minutes until Jeremy Corbyn said ‘maybe this could be better’.
The fourth question was on how we can defend our country. Paul Nuttall’s furious body flew back into the hall to once again spout some racism whilst the other leaders ducked for cover from the salvia flying from his gaping mouth hole.
The last question, and thank goodness, was on how are you going to be a strong leader for this country. It would be safe to say that at this point everyone kind of winged it. The audience were getting restless, in all honesty at this point in the debate we had barely heard a single answer from the panel. Instead we had endured a 90 minute cacophony of nonsense in which very little actual information was given to us.
What did we learn? We learnt that the Greens are actually pretty sound but no one will vote for them. The Lib Dems did fine but we’ve burned by them before. Plaid Cymru also sound like they know what’s going on, the SNP were just there for a bit of a laugh and to see how they could wind up UKIP. UKIP were there because I’m starting to think UKIP are somehow blackmailing the BBC or something. The Tories were lying through their arses and Labour were just kind of like ‘guys, come on, really? Them!?’.
Basically we were all left with the voting intentions with which we arrived, missing 90 minutes of our lives that we’ll never get back, but now in desperate need for a drink.
