Meghan Markle’s wedding diary – 3 days to go!

Dear Diary,

Three days. I'm getting married (again lol) in 3 days. Three has always been my favourite number, right after I heard Hanson for the first time. Those three perfect angels soft popped their way into my heart and have never left. Three handsome Hanson brothers, three little pigs, three blind mice, three days until I'll be three sheets to the wind with my new husband. All good things come in threes. As you can expect, things have started to get pretty stressful. We just picked our bridesmaids and page boys earlier today. Funnily enough, I had zero input. Sure, I got a couple of goddaughters in there, but the person I really wanted as my bridesmaid was Kristen Wiig. I've watched Bridesmaids a thousand times and with her by my side, I'm certain we would've had an incredible time together. There's no person I'd rather shit myself in the middle of a public road with than Kristen. Still, royal protocol beckons. I'm sure Princess Charlotte will be a lot of fun, as soon as she stops crying about her shoes being too white or her dress being too poofy. Idiot. I'm finding the social media ban pretty difficult to cope with at the moment, to tell the truth. I know that as a future Royal, I need to keep it tight. I can't have an Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or even a YouTube channel. It's extreme, but I understand. Actually, I have a small confession to make. I set up an anonymous Instagram account last night. I know it's naughty, but I just needed to watch some stories to take the edge off. Phillip Schofield does the best ones and I can't stand having to miss them since I was forced to delete my account. He's so funny and he loves gin. I think he's my dream man? Sorry Harry hehe x Another Instagrammer I've become quite partial to is Anthea Turner. Obviously I've been trying to immerse myself in the British culture, so people like Anthea and Phillip are really helping. Anthea loves an inspirational quote more than most, and she loves a high angled selfie as well. I'd love to meet her one day, she seems like a delightful lady. I love when she meets a celebrity, uploads a photo of them together and then tags the wrong person. She's so goofy. Alexa, add 'Befriend Anthea Turner' to my bucket list. No, don't put that in my diary. Wait. Stop. New paragraph. We watched that Lifetime movie last night 'Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance'. Wow, with all due respect, what the fuck was that? I mean the girl looked nothing like me. Also the story was total bullshit. Mom would never refer to sex as "giving the milk away", that's absurd. We are honourable ladies. We say things like "make the beast with two backs" or "take a one-way ticket to Bone Town". Harry wasn't thrilled with it either, he says his hairline is way stronger than that guy they cast and I, as his future wife, back him up on that completely. Our Halloween fancy dress costumes last year were supposedly a frog and Hillary Clinton? Give me a break. We went as The Peru Two and it was very well received. Harry loves dressing up. He wanted to be pretty cautious for some reason, but I persuaded him in the end. He's such a prankster! I hate to say it, but the casting was awful. Harry should've been played by Mick Hucknall and I should've been portrayed by myself because I'm a goddamn actress. To have them make an entire movie about my life and not even ask me to be in it is so insulting. I didn't even get an audition. Nobody knows me better than I do, except maybe the Daily Mail, but that's it. I would've crushed that role. It's their loss. 'Academy Award Winning' won't be etched across their straight-to-DVD covers, that's for sure. We're finalising the seating plan for the reception and it's proving harder than we initially thought. Even deciding who we were going to invite was tough. Obviously I got to invite three people and I'm over the moon with Harry's generosity in that respect, but good Lord he's got a large family. I've never seen so many fake sounding names written down. Camilla Parker Bowles? Lol, nice try. It's been tough. There's a lot of politics involved with Harry's side of the family, certain people can't sit with each other and I totally get that. I'm just glad my guests are uncomplicated. All three of them will sit together in a KFC just twelve miles from the Palace and they'll have a great time. I'll get to see them a day or two after the wedding to thank them for coming. Exactly how I always dreamed my big day would go <3 Now it's just a case of getting everything in order. I've got my dress ready to go and Harry's got his suit. He joked about getting a Deadpool suit, but I did my research and I'm pretty sure he's not the same size as Michael Barrymore. No, we'll be going for a more traditional style. Harry will look like he's the porter in a very fancy hotel and I will wear a plain white gown. That's the deal. If Harry stays on his best behaviour, I promised I'd allow him to wear a cravat around his head for a little while during the reception, just to blow off some steam. We don't want him to go full Vegas, but it's only fair that he gets to enjoy the day as well. Anyway, I've got to go. There's a guy called Louis Spence at the door. He's here to teach Harry how to dance and it sounds like he's brought a pack of wild dogs with him. There's so much shrieking and yelping coming from downstairs, I hope everyone is okay. In three days I'm going to be Mrs. Harry Whatshissurname!! I can't wait! Talk soon, Meghan x

---

  Previous diaries: 8 days to go! 15 days to go!