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4th May 2018
02:03pm BST
My favourite of Harry's relations has to be his grandfather, what a funny guy! Prince Philip has already given me a nickname - Pocahontas. I think it's because he sees me as a very strong and brave woman who wants to make a real difference in the world, which is really flattering. I even overheard him saying that it would be "interesting to have one of them in the family", as in ME, an empowered and successful American woman. What a sweetheart!
British culture still takes quite a bit of getting used to. I'm missing my home comforts a little bit, things like obscenely large food portions and Ryan Seacrest. But the UK is a beautiful place with a lot of quirks. Yesterday Harry had me eat the strangest thing. It was an egg, but get this, the egg was wrapped in sausage and then breadcrumbs. They call it a scotch egg, but I think it's funnier to call it a sausage/egg bollock, haha! I don't even know what bollock means, I heard it on the television and it got a good laugh when I repeated it at the Royal banquet.
My soon to be sister-in-law hasn't been much comfort, if I'm being honest. Kate just had a baby so I get that she's busy, but I'm getting MARRIED. You only get married once or twice, but you can have infinite babies. She sent over a flower arrangement which was really sweet, except it triggered Harry's allergies and he broke out in hives. Was this deliberate? Does she want to have the best looking Prince? No, I'm probably overreacting. I just hope she steps it up for the wedding. I don't want any drama and I need all the help I can get if I'm going to be royal ready in just two weeks.
My final episode of Suits aired last week, but I didn't watch it. I already know what happens! Apparently Katherine Heigl is rumoured to be replacing me on the show, so that's interesting. You can't swap washing detergent with bargain basement deodorant, but whatever, not my problem anymore. We just got high speed WiFi in the Palace and I've been rushing to finish The Crown before I marry into this insane family. It's is so good. I'm learning loads about Harry's family, I think that's why I've got such a soft spot for Prince Phil, he's such a rascal. Princess Anne is a live wire too, I can't believe she bonked Matthew Goode - dreamboat alert!
The Queen and I have spoken a couple of times, but honestly it's been kind of awkward. She talks weird, saying things like "one" instead of "I" and "bow before me immediately you stupid yank". Also, her dogs are jerks. One of them always throws herself at Harry and he falls for it every time. She drapes herself across him and stares at me while she's doing it, it's weird. Whenever I try to pet her, she snaps at me and causes a scene. Whatever, it's her loss. I'm going to be Queen one day. Stupid bitch.
We're doing some kind of wedding run-through later tonight, so that should be interesting. My main concern about the big day is whether the children will behave. Charlotte seems fine, but George has been known to hog the limelight. This is 
We've had a lot of people offering to make our wedding cake, but I settled on a lady I'd previously interviewed for The Tig. Remember Claire? Yeah, it's Claire. She's going to make a lemon and elderflower cake with fresh flowers for decoration. I can't wait. Harry wanted an ice cream cake but I quickly put that idea to bed. Phil suggested something called a cherry bakewell? I Googled it and it looked disgusting. He's nuts, I'm not even entertaining such a ludicrous concept. Cherries? On a cake? Let's just cover it in Smarties and send everyone home with a goody bag. Lol.
Sorry I haven't been writing to you very often lately, dear diary, things are mental. I'm being pulled in every direction at the moment, it's insane. Today I need to make a decision on the song for our first dance, which is a huge deal. Harry wants the Beastie Boys but I'd prefer something more traditional. Katherine Jenkins has sent us a demo sixteen times and I'm running out of polite ways to let her down. She seems nice, but it's just not a great fit. One of the Spice Girls has been in touch as well, the ginger one. Jerry? Again, a kind gesture but we're (I'm) looking for something a bit more conventional.
Anyway, I need to send a dozen emails and figure out the table settings for our wedding reception. Apparently Beatrice and Eugenie are real people, I thought it was a prank? Come up with the most Enid Blyton names possible and then trick the silly American lady into assigning them a seat at the dinner table, haha, very funny. You can imagine my face when I was introduced to them. Not amused.
I'll be in touch soon, I have a lot of venting to do and you're the only one I trust. If this diary ever leaked I'd be in serious doo-doo!
Speak soon,
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