Lunch, am I right?
You spend all morning doing the absolute bare minimum at work, fantasising about the only thing that’s going to get you through to the golden hour of 1pm-2pm, a sweet, sweet meal deal for lunch.
Regardless of what fine institution you choose to purchase your meal deal from, there’s typically a very standard selection on offer – sandwich, crisps and a drink. If you opt for something like a pasta salad, bag of pre-chopped fruit and breath of fresh air, this article isn’t for you. Perhaps go and get a fat grip of your life when you get a chance, then return when you’re ready to rejoin the human race.
The criteria for the following assault on your personal taste is very simple, you just need to identify the closest match to your typical meal deal choice from each of the categories below, then read the attached literature to find out your detailed shortcomings as a person.
Tuna – You going to toast that sambo when you get back to the office, you absolute melt? Fish does not belong in a sandwich, nor in any lunchtime meal. You only eat fish when your religious family are strictly observing the rules on Good Friday, or there is literally nothing else in the freezer. You need to get your priorities in order.
Falafel – After you’ve spent the morning gently washing your hemp garments in eco-friendly cleaning agents along with everyone else’s at the commune, it’s only right that you should tuck into a delicious sandwich. Clearly none of them were left by the time you reached the shop because you’ve chosen a chickpea abomination.
Ham & Cheese – You’re not coming last in the great big race of life, but you’re also not coming first. You’re middling, trudging through this vapid landscape we call earth. Happiness isn’t a sensation you’re familiar with, but misery is. Extravagance isn’t something you’re acquainted with, nor is contentment in life. Cheer up, bud.
Chicken – Yes, correct choice. You’ve done this meal deal right. Your lunch selection is firmly on track to working out just fine. In terms of life, things are an utter shambles for you right now, but at least you’ve got a very sensible head on your shoulders when it comes to lunch. That’s something positive to focus on going forward.
Egg Salad – Given that you’ve just celebrated your 85th birthday, it’s only right that you say a hearty ‘fuck you’ to societal norms and start living life precisely how you desire. It’s to be applauded. You do you, champ. [If you’re getting an egg salad sandwich and you are under 85 years of age, respectfully, you are trash].
Roast Beef – You’re an absolute fraudster, trying to give the illusion that you are incredibly wealthy while at the same time lowering yourself to the shameful depths of having to get a meal deal for lunch. Faking your way through life isn’t going to lead to inner peace. The lies on your CV aren’t fooling anyone. Get a decent haircut and grow the hell up.
BLT – Not bad at all, champ. You’ve weighed up your options and deduced that a sandwich with a whopping three ingredients is going to fill you up, leading to a stunning bit of value for money in this transaction. Sure, you’ve been conned because all the bacon seems to have been pushed to the front of the bread to appear plentiful, but still, it’ll do.
Prawn Cocktail – Although this is the most acceptable form of a fish sandwich, it is still an unfavourable meal deal addition. If you’re drawn to this heinous act of a sandwich, you are a sociopath who’s a danger unto themselves and society at large. Please stop yourself before you commit a more serious crime, such as homicide.
Cheese & Onion – Congratulations, you’ve successfully worked out that by teaming your sandwich with cheese and onion crisps, you can add two more delicious flavours to the equation. Sure, it’s an ignorant choice as anyone that comes into contact with you post-consumption is going to suffer the devil’s stench coming from your mouth, but that’s their problem now.
Ready Salted – Truly, you are the most boring person that has ever lived. It’s a chore to be around you, you’re excruciating. People avoid your calls, leave your messages on seen, bail on plans and even fake their own deaths if it means they can avoid being around you. Nobody cares that you’ve been trying to cut down on sugar lately. Get a personality.
Salt & Vinegar – Decent behaviour coming from a rogue vagabond such as yourself. You don’t play by the rules easily, always questioning authority and searching for a deeper meaning in life. People look to you if they want advice on their problems, not that you can help, they just know that they’ll feel better after comparing themselves to your utter shambles of a life.
BBQ – Big fan of following the pack, aren’t we? You like to give the illusion of being different and quirky, but deep down, you love a cheeky midweek pint just like everyone else. Your family members turn to you for free IT support and a harsh dose of brutal honesty at all times. Also, you keep roadkill in your garden shed to feast on intermittently.
Prawn Cocktail – Perverts have been locked up for far less than what you’re carrying on with day-to-day. You’re sick, twisted, messed up, a disgrace. You hide it well, but once you rock into the office with a neon pink packet of crisps, colleagues hit their respective panic buttons under the desk. Your days of being unaccompanied by law enforcement officials are numbered.
Pickled Onion – Genuinely when you’re done reading this, get the hell out of my sight because your selfishness knows no bounds. Sure, you’re having a great time stuffing monster claw-shaped crisps into your gob, but those nearby are retching over the ungodly stench. Have some decency and eat your stinky snack in the confines of a cell with padded walls. Thanks.
Thai Sweet Chilli – My friend, you’re living a sweet chilli lifestyle on a mini cheddars budget and that has to be commended. You’ve swindled the system, instantly identifying what items give the maximum profit return in this particular meal deal offer. Your tolerance for spice is superhuman, as is your ability to sniff out a bargain. Kudos, you savvy little saver.
Popcorn – Sorry pal, did you not see the heading above? Yeah, thought you might have. Crisps are the only acceptable addition to a meal deal sandwich and drink. You can take your bullshit health-conscious lifestyle to some sort of overpriced salad shack with that attitude. Popcorn? Betwixt bread and various meats? You make me physically and emotionally sick.
Cola – You’re going all out with this meal deal and that has to be respected. Whether it’s regular cola or sugar free, you’re looking for comfort and living life on your terms and nobody else’s. You’re reliable, but set in your ways. Like you’ll help someone to properly dispose of a body, but only if it’s being chopped up to your specific desires and you get to drive.
Lemon & Lime – As The Most Boring Person Alive, you take great pride in never straying from familiarity. For dinner, you have plain chicken and vegetables every night, sometimes with a single scoop of low fat vanilla ice cream for dessert. On her deathbed, you visited your grandmother to tell her about your new job and she flatlined for four minutes. Doctors were stunned.
Orange – You’re a quirky soul, someone who will effortlessly pair socks with sandals despite knowing that that is an incredibly gross thing to do. Your phone screen is always smashed up, but you refuse to get it fixed because you need that money for tattoos and scented candles. Your birth name is an object, like Jansport Bag or something equally dumb.
Blackcurrant – To avoid confusion, the drink I’m alluding to rhymes with ‘Cry Gina’. Anyway, you’re a child. Just a big stupid baby who never really grew up despite now having a proper job and a reasonably fancy apartment. You still watch Disney movies and drink a tall glass of milk with your dinner. Your dress sense is an eyesore too. Gucci loafers with fur aren’t okay.
Juice – As a full-time performatively woke online presence, you’re lucky to find time between replying “I’m so sorry this is happening to you x” to various burden-stricken internet users to get out there and procure a meal deal. Still, someone has to do this unnecessary work. Your family are starving and devoid of your attention, but hey, that online meaningless clout tho.
Smoothie – Think you’re better than us all, do you? Foregoing a bit dirty fizzy drink, instead opting for a nice nutritious fruity, lumpy mess? Well the joke’s on you because some smug prick is going to inform you that there’s a big heap of sugar in your seemingly-healthy beverage choice. You’ll act surprised even though you knew all along. You get off on confrontation, freak.
Water – Genuinely I’m trying not to get mad here but honestly, get the fuck out of my sight and stop wasting my time. You can get water in your house or at work. I don’t care if you’ve a bit of a headache and crave hydration, this isn’t about logic. You’re getting a meal deal for lunch. Screwing the system. Go take your sensibility somewhere else you absolute degenerate.
Energy Drink – Living life in the fast lane isn’t an option for you because it’s actually an inevitability. You don’t derive any satisfaction from a meal deal, merely viewing it as fuel to meet the increasing demands of your body and mind. Sure, you’ll immediately shit yourself after consuming the energy drink, but that’s a small price to pay to seem important and busy to all.
“Coffee” – The inverted commas are used to signify that this isn’t real coffee we’re talking about. No, it’s meal deal coffee. Satan’s asshole of coffee. That weird cold shit that comes with a foil lid, pretending to be the source of your hopes, dreams and eternal happiness. It tastes like a coffee that has been sat in a mug on your desk for four hours. You are disgusting. Grow up.
Sparkling Water – You belong on some kind of register, you absolute pervert. There’s people rotting in jail for crimes less serious than what you’re committing when you have the absolute audacity to get fizzy water with your meal deal in broad daylight. Supermarket employees have a small photograph of you under their desk so they remember to refuse to serve you.