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30th Dec 2016

Just hours left on the clock and the worst outrage of 2016 has emerged


Mike Wright

What the fuck is going on here?!?

We’ve just had Christmas. For the last week most of the nation has been enjoying a daily calorie intake akin to Augustus Gloop on a comfort-eating downer.

As well as turkey and eggnog, the other part of the festive holy trinity of overindulgence has been chocolate. For days you’ve scoffed chocolate coins, rinsed the Celebrations and got repetitive strain injury from putting those Lindor balls in your mouth.

You’ve even been waking up and seriously considering having the rest of that half-eaten Toblerone for breakfast.

And for a few days it was great. Chocolate all day, every day. Just like you hoped adulthood would be when you were nine.

But not now. By the 30th, you’ve reached critical mass. The affair is over. You never want to see another Quality Street again/until mid February at least.

Your mind is shifting down a clean living tangent. Usually you can’t stand those lycra-clad wellness pricks. But your recently-expanded body has taken such a calorific pounding it’s begging you for drastic change.

Maybe you should go out and buy some actual fruit. Perhaps even upgrade to an avocado or two. No, no. Sod it. Serious action needs to be taken here. You’re getting a fucking Nutribullet and going on a juice fast for eight weeks.

You’ve made your mind up. You head down to the local supermarket, striding purposefully, imbued with a zeal for healthy living.

But then you see it. What the actual…?

Are those Easter eggs. FFS. Has there ever been a more grievous misreading of the national mood? Literally no one wants to think about chocolate right now. Let alone contemplate another cocoa-based bender.

And this is not an isolated incident of corporate madness.

Supermarkets and convenience stores across the land somehow think this is acceptable.

It disgusts us too Tommy Justice.

No, sorry Jo, no amount of emojis can sum up the horror here.

Even our more upmarket outlets are not immune to the mania.

And just when we thought 2016 had thrown everything it had at us…