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06th Jul 2017

Get The Look: The Thicc 45th President Of The United States

President Rump

Ciara Knight

Get you a President who can do both.

Sure, the President of the United States is thicc, but you can be too.

Simply follow the list of steps below and you will one day be able to achieve a look that is driving every nation CrAzY.

Let JOE help you help yourself to get the look.

Step 1: Neglect your body over several years

Twitter / Getty

The image on the right was taken in 2000, while the one on the left was taken in January of this year. That’s some substantial rump maintenance over the course of 17 years. But how does he do it? Simple. Donald Trump exists on a diet of Domino’s, KFC, McDonald’s, well-done steaks, along with regular snacks of crisps, biscuits and a steady supply of Diet Coke throughout the day (because less calories, obviously).

With the right determination, you too can achieve this verified thicc status. Start today, why wait? Indulge yourself in life’s finer things such as doing very little and eating terribly. That ass isn’t going to grow itself. Also, make sure you get two scoops of vanilla ice cream when everyone else only gets one. That’s a power move and your bum will thank you for it.

Step 2: Play lazy sports such as golf

It’s the age-old dilemma: You want to maintain extremely large buttocks, but sometimes your body craves the thrill of physical activity. What if I told you there exists a sport where you can exert yourself ever so slightly in short bursts and you even have someone else drive you around in between? My friends, I present to you… golf.

Make sure you clear your schedule, no matter how important your job, to make room for golf. Golf is super cool and won’t reduce your thiccness in any manner whatsoever. Heck, why not set up a few golf courses around the world so you can travel to them and avoid any essential work commitments? The world is your golf course.

Step 3: Wear figure-hugging clothes

If you’re going to be one thicc bih, you’re going to need to dress like one. People won’t know what’s lying underneath your clothes if you don’t show them. Don’t be afraid to put out a little skin, you saucy minx. Once you’ve achieved a sizeable arse, it’s going to become your mission to ensure that the world can finally see it.

I recommend carrying yourself in such a way that accentuates your thiccness. Walk arse-first into things, ensure your clothing doesn’t cover your posterior in any way, tilt it towards the camera if you’re being photographed. Just fucking commit to it. You’ll never get this look if you’re going to be shy about your blessings.

Step 4: Make sure you’re photographed often

We all know the best way to have photographers chasing after you is to become very, very famous. Perhaps you could be involved in some sort of scandal, go on Love Island, assassinate a character from Balamory or simply deceive your way into the presidency. The possibilities are endless!

Once you secure your newfound fame (along with your thicc credentials), simply position yourself where photographers can easily secure a snap of your bottom. Perhaps you’re boarding a plane or playing an afternoon game of racquetball. Whatever the occasion, always be mindful that your bum must come first.

Step 5: Be repulsive in every single way possible

If you’re going to pull off a thicc ass, you’re going to need to mentally become a thicc ass. People need to hate you, which will make your hot piece of ass all the more enviable. Make derogatory comments about women, insult celebrities, refute climate change, destroy peoples’ healthcare, collude with Russia and fire the director of the FBI (for starters).

Be the thicc ass you want to see in the world. Do horrible things to people and tweet utter garbage every few hours. If you want a big and bountiful bottom, you must first become the big and bountiful bottom, then the rest will fall into place. We wish you the very best of luck in achieving this look.


Donald Trump