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01st Nov 2019

Every letter of the alphabet ranked from least to most banter

Ciara Knight

Say the first three letters of the alphabet backwards? Nah, CBA mate

The alphabet slaps.

Where would we be without the alphabet? Wordless, speechless and therefore without banter to keep us going through this godforsaken hell scape that we call life.

Every letter of the alphabet, no matter how pathetic, exudes a level of banter. Some more so than others, but all have at least a sliver of banter present.

For no reason other than probably insanity, I have ranked every letter of the alphabet from least to most banter.

The final list is absolutely correct and not up for discussion. Please do not @ me.

26. I

A very boring letter with absolutely no banter about it. The letter ‘I’ is a pedantic arsehole, demanding that it’s capitalised when used alone and lower case when it’s in a group, bringing rules and regulations to everything it touches. ‘I’ is the person at work who gets excited about Christmas in October. ‘I’ puts eyelashes on its car headlights and requests hymns at karaoke.

25. T

Here’s the tea, ‘T’ is a very average letter. It is a capital ‘I’ that is wearing one of those big hats that your mum always brings on holidays. It adds nothing to our lives. Put it alongside another ‘T’ and maybe we’re getting somewhere, but on its own, ‘T’ brings nothing to the party. It is simply a broken crucifix and nothing more.

24. A

It’s just a bit too common, is ‘A’. Unlike ‘I’, it’s not too self conscious when left alone. A lower case ‘a’ will suffice, whatever. But ‘A’ is the sidekick to better things. It’s pre drinks before a big night out. It’ll get you suitably sauced for the main event, but isn’t enough on its own. Shout out to those show-offs in school who could do a fancy lower case ‘a’.

23. E

Just because you are the exact sound a dolphin makes, that doesn’t mean you’re a cool letter, ‘e’. The disparity between your upper and lower case self is quite frankly bananas. You will find an ‘E’ anywhere, sometimes multiple times. It is a very common letter and always the first guess in a game of Hangman. Where is the banter? Banter without an ‘e’ is still bantr.

22. L

As we all know, the least banterous thing someone can do is be weird and confusing, like a magician or an accountant. The letter ‘l’ looks like a capital ‘I’ and that is a logistical nightmare in the administrative world. ‘L’ is the kind of person that laughs at an in-joke despite knowing nothing about the context. Also, side note, the spelling of Lloyd is an abomination.

21. P

It’s just a ‘D’ doing a stretch, innit? The sound that a ‘P’ makes is good, so he’s got that going for himself. But everything else is below average. There’s something very seedy about a letter that hides half of itself under the line when it’s in lower case, then stands tall and proud as a capital letter. ‘P’ has short man syndrome and searches its own name on Twitter.

20. R

Possibly a personal vendetta here, but if you can do that fancy cursive ‘r’ then you are a show off. Go away, you elite piece of shit. Go back to your mansion which has a water fountain in the driveway and no fewer than three cars all of which are taxed, insured and with a valid MOT. ‘R’ is a posh letter for posh people. You have to earn £100k per annum to use it, and £200k to pronounce it correctly.

19. H

If I have to lift my pen off the paper three times to write a letter, that is a waste of my time. Twice for the lower case and three times for the upper case ‘H’, that is an epidemic. In these modern times where everything is competing for our attention span, the last thing we need is a time-waster of a letter in our lives. H from Steps gave the letter undeserved good PR.

18. U

Now we’re staring to get somewhere. ‘U’ is itself at all times. It’s the mate in your friend group who enjoys and honestly welcomes being the butt of the joke so long as it doesn’t get too personal. ‘U’ will get a round in even if they’re not drinking. ‘U’ has a chill vibe but a good heart. U is kind, U is smart, U is important.

17. F

The fun thing about ‘F’ is that it varies from person to person. It’s what you make of it. The letter has banter, for sure. But sometimes it can even have too much. You know when someone writes an ‘f’ with a big curly tail coming out the bottom? That’s too much banter for one letter. Reel it in. Or ‘F’ off, if you will.

16. C

Basically a sideways ‘U’, ‘C’ is a good guy. Same lower case as upper case, sounds how it should. No qualms here. Except when you’re playing Scrabble because the only two-letter word you can play with a ‘C’ is ‘Ch’, which isn’t a fucking word at all. This is a massive oversight by The Alphabet And Scrabble Unification Committee and needs rectifying immediately.

15. N

‘N’ is fine. It is what it is. Slightly nasal, but it’ll do. Hard to draw backwards when you’re writing ‘Help me’ on a foggy car window, not least of all because the letter ‘n’ doesn’t even appear in those two words. If you use a slightly larger lower case ‘n’ for the capital version, you are a rogue vagabond who needs to hand themselves into the relevant authorities immediately.

14. V

There’s very literally a big point to ‘V’. She’s an elegant lady, elusive, luxurious, not for everyday use. If you’re using a ‘V’, you better know what you’re doing with it. ‘V’ is a strict teacher you had at primary school who felt very strongly about the need to bring back corporal punishment.

13. B

A good solid guy, is ‘B’. He’s curvy and he flaunts it. ‘B’ is the kind of person you want to do your best man speech. He’s funny, likeable and knows where to draw the line (right through his middle section). Writing a big ‘B’ feels authoritative, a small one is just playful. ‘B’ is an old reliable who always has spare change for a restaurant tip and chewing gum in his bag.

12. M

‘M’ or ‘An Australian ‘W”, as I like to call it. There’s plagiarism at work here and he’s still getting away with it. He is the Mark Ronson of the alphabet industry. ‘M’ is such a killer letter, there’s even a band named after its people. It can be strict (capital) or soft (lower case), depending on the circumstance. As we all know, a group of Ms are delicious, too.

11. S

You’re guaranteed to have a whale of a time with this playful letter, that’s without question. It’s basically a slide for tiny insects. Writing can be a monotonous task, but when a bad boy letter ‘S’ comes along, for the briefest of moments, you’re having an absolute party with all its twists and turns. Be weary of them when they travel in a pack, though. Snake tendencies can crop up.

10. O

Easily the most versatile letter, time spent with ‘O’ is very much ‘what you see is what you get’. There’s no bullshit with ‘O’. She’s got your back and will fight your corner in any situation. She’s a well-rounded individual, worldly and kind. Her banter is steady and reliable. They even named a magazine after this wondrous letter.

9. Y

There are many facets to this complex character, who is the chameleon of the alphabet world. She can stand alone and defiant, work well in a pack and dazzle you beyond belief in cursive. ‘Y’ was the class clown at school, but recently matured into the office clown. She’s capable of keeping a lid on it when absolutely necessary, but really comes into her own on a work night out.

8. W

Hell yes, ‘W’. What a fucking liar. ‘Double ‘u”, is it? More like a double ‘V’, for anyone that has eyes. Regardless, this bold claim is the mark of a deviant. ‘W’ doesn’t play by anybody’s rules, least of all her own. She’s lent herself to some demons (Wario) but always stands out in a crowd. She’s had her ups and downs and overall, we simply have to stan.

7. G

Not since James McAvoy’s performance in Split have we seen so many personalities contained in the one body. This absolute gangster has the ability to reinvent himself time and time again. He’s a proud dad, a mischievous boy and an elegant Lord all in one. He can get you into any nightclub in London but disappears when the waiter comes over with the credit card machine.

6. K

This special one is sacred. ‘K’ carries more weight than a freight train traveling at an alarmingly high velocity. You always know where you stand with ‘k’. He provides such a finite energy with his banter, you’re quite certain that at least one of you will die if you were ever to go on holidays alone together. He cuts his own hair and exclusively drinks canned Guinness. The man is banter.

5. Z

Often dismissed as a boring character, ‘Z’ has some spunk about him. He’s a self-starter with a real go-getter attitude. He will do anything for his friends, even if that means being handcuffed to a butternut squash for the entirety of his stag do. Don’t sleep on ‘Z’. He’s quiet at first, but impossible to shut up when he gets going. Also he stole his look from the number two.

4. J

‘J’ is essentially just a backwards ‘l’ wearing a cap. He’s an imposter, but credit where it’s due, he knows how to party. You won’t buy a drink all night when ‘J’ is around. He’s crippled with debt, but surrounded by friends. When you’re having a bad day, ‘J’ is there to put a smile on your face and a glimmer of hope in your eyes. He is one suave son of a bitch.

3. D

Obscenities aside, ‘D’ is a good one. He’s a different person in lower case form, essentially just a backwards ‘b’, but if you start a sentence with ‘D’, you’d better finish it, sunshine. He’s giddy, always up for a laugh and loves a game of Bogies on the train. You will never beat ‘D’ at Bogies, so don’t even try. Also never lend ‘D’ any money because you’re not getting it back.

2. X

He’s a saucy minx and one of this nation’s finest exports. ‘X’ is playful, mysterious, warm and at times, quite shocking. You’ll see him every so often, but when you make a real connection, that’s when the banter truly starts. ‘X’ marks the spot, seals the deal, halts traffic, photographs your insides and advertises what’s forbidden. He is banter both personified and letterified.

1. Q

So good they named it once. ‘Q’ is a letter and a word all in one. It’s elegant, reserved, elite, even tantalising at times. Some might disregard ‘Q’ as an ‘O’ with a hair coming out of its chin, which is a fair assessment, but also very disrespectful to its very essence. A lower case ‘q’ is a backwards ‘p’, but nobody cares. We’re living in an increasingly accepting world. Letters can face which ever way they want. ‘Q’ is a banter letter. You’ll go on a night out with ‘Q’ and it will be time very well spent. ‘Q’ always pays for Maccies drive-thru on the way home.