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20th May 2019

I watched the first and last episodes of Game of Thrones and tried to fill in the gaps

How TF is Bran still alive?

Ciara Knight

How TF is Bran still alive?

Game of Thrones has ended. It is over. The final episode has aired. Life, as we know it, can return back to relative normality.

The takes have been hot, the think pieces even hotter. Fan theories and petitions to rewrite the final episode were rife, but things have come to a natural end.

As someone who completely missed the Game of Thrones boat and felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of material to catch up on, I have persevered through the impenetrable conversations, confusing memes and above-my-head references.

But no more. I have watched the first and last Game of Thrones episodes and am going to rather foolishly try to figure out what happened in the middle.

Is this a good idea? No. Is it disrespectful to the franchise? Absolutely. But nevertheless, the insanity has an alluring energy that I can’t ignore.

On the whole, I understood very little about the last episode, but could still recognise that it was a remarkable piece of television.

Inevitably, I am left with many questions and unfortunately, I must try to answer them myself.

Why is everything on fire / reduced to rubble?

A delayed battle broke out between Bran and Arya after she showed him up with her archery skills in the first episode. It was a long time ago, but Bran never forgot that mortifying moment when everyone was watching as Arya dragged him to filth with an absolute belter of an aim. Their parents looked on in amusement, Jon Snow was tickled, Robb Stark had a chuckle, basically the entire cast saw this dumb little boy with a mature woman’s haircut getting shown up by his sister and he saved that feeling, letting it slowly fester for years to come.

So many years later, after Bran somehow survived being shoved out a window by a man who was fucking his twin sister, he decided to seek revenge. Arya was taking part in an archery competition and Bran turned up with a jumbo sized box of matches. He knew the place would be an arsonist’s paradise as the archery targets are propped up by giant bags filled with straw. Bran set the place alight and finally got revenge on his show-off of a sister. Chaos ensued, many people died, Bran still didn’t prove his bow and arrow prowess.

Where is Daenerys’ brother?

Viserys ran away with Khal Drogo after his and Daenerys’ wedding night. Daenerys failed to satisfy Khal’s appetite for role play and she smudged his eyeliner, which is a great sign of disrespect in his culture. Khal spared Daenerys’ life but demanded an immediate replacement. From certain angles, Viserys looked quite similar to Daenerys, so Khal settled for him as a mate. Before long, Viserys’ hair grew out and there wasn’t a huge difference between them anymore, so everyone accepted it.

Daenerys got to keep the dragon eggs in the divorce settlement, which delighted her greatly. There was a brief crossover episode with the dronkeys from Shrek, but that never made it to air because too many fans complained about its farfetched plot. (Dronkeys are famously loners, so the storyline made no sense). Daenerys wrote to Khal and Viserys often, but they never replied. They were content, at least until Khal got bored and swapped Viserys for a mop and bucket set he found one hazy summer afternoon. Viserys moved to New York to pursue a career in PR. He’s doing well.

Why did Jon Snow Kill Daenerys?

Having gained a hairstylist and knowledge of a second language in the time between the first and last episodes of GOT, Daenerys decided to take Jon Snow as a lover. They bonded over their love of animals and fondness for wet mousse styling cream. The pair spent many years in wedded bliss together, beheading enemies, wearing dry clean only fur coats and casually referring to Jon as a bastard at every opportunity to belittle him.

But tragedy struck in the final series. Jon’s family wanted the pair to join them on a glamping weekend. Daenerys famously hates glamping, she finds it to be a bit poverty porn-ish and fails to see its appeal. Jon tried to keep both sides happy, but ended up angering everyone. He was forced to choose between his family or his girlfriend. In the end, Jon went glamping. He had a terrific weekend, really connected with mother nature and got a renewed sense of inner peace. Sadly, Daenerys had to die because she wouldn’t understand the inside jokes from the trip.

Why was the dragon so upset when Daenerys was killed?

As we’ve learned, Daenerys got to keep the dragon eggs in her messy divorce from Khal Drogo. Well, those eggs hatched and produced three beautiful dragons, more beautiful than you can even imagine. She named them Snap, Crackle and Pop because although Rice Krispies were yet to be invented, Daenerys thought it was a funny combination of words and also the exact sounds Khal’s fists made in outrage when she tried to suggest that they snuggle after making love.

Two of the dragons (Snap and Pop) died in the ensuing years, one from a particularly nasty bout of gastro-enteritis and the other from a stray one of Bran’s arrows (his aim never improved, much to Arya’s delight). Crackle remained loyal to Daenerys, helping her through difficult times such as the emergence of her brother and Khal’s sordid relationship. They became lovers, briefly, conducting interspecies relations in plain sight for all to see. Bran stumbled upon them making love one day, so Crackle shoved him out a window. Jamie Lannister caught him this time, which was a fun turn of events. Although Daenerys and Crackle’s love fizzled out, their companionship didn’t. They remained firm friends until her death. Crackle flew away with Daenerys’ dead body to give her a proper cremation, just like she’d always wanted.

How did they get such longevity out of their fur coats?

The Game of Thrones cast took care of their clothes because they had very little else to do at the time. A quick wipe down with a warm dishcloth bi-weekly did the trick, along with frequent dry cleaning and storing them in a cool, dry place.

How the fuck is Bran still alive?

When Jamie Lannister was caught fucking his twin sister, the only logical move was to shove the ten-year-old peeping Bran right out the window frame to his untimely death. Unlucky for him, Bran lived. Upon impact, Bran’s body bounced off the ground like a boiled egg on a marble countertop. Although he became paralysed, Bran lived through sheer determination to be better than his sister Arya at archery. He couldn’t die a loser. No, he wanted to die a winner. Or at the very least, tied in first place at the national archery competition.

Bran eventually regained his strength and a wheelchair materialised out of thin air to ease his mobility. Bran’s first act was to roll over Jamie’s foot and give him a knowing wink. He then blackmailed him and Cersei into paying for a decent haircut every six weeks, which they obliged for fear that their sordid secret would be made public. Bran set up a webcam and caught them fucking, then sent it to Tyrion for a laugh. Tyrion already knew, so it was a wasted effort. Bran waited many years, then killed Jamie and Cersei, not because they paralysed him, but because he really hated their smug little perfect faces.

Who’s Grey Worm?

A new character that was brought in during series six to shake things up a little. He nicknamed Cersei and Jamie ‘Twincest’ and proved a real hit with the ladies thanks to his good looks, smooth charm and voracious appetite for puns. He was nicknamed Grey Worm because one time he ate what he believed to be a grey worm in exchange for a new handkerchief. Ultimately, it transpired that the seemingly grey worm was actually a piece of cement and the poor guy ended up chipping a tooth. Livid at being made to look a fool, he vowed to seek revenge at any cost.

Why did the dragon burn the throne to a crisp?

If the dragon’s great love, Daenerys, couldn’t sit her butt upon that throne, then nobody could. It turns out, the real throne everyone wanted was actually the friends they made along the way. In hating each other, they ultimately learned to love. As is always the case, hate must never triumph over love. It is far easier to accept thine enemy than it is to carry a grudge throughout your life, whatever the reason.

Just kidding, the dragon was instructed to burn it down by the show’s creators. If the throne remained intact, fans would try to steal it and given that it’s made entirely from swords, somebody would end up getting hurt. There’s no higher power than personal safety. Thrones, game-oriented or otherwise, create a social hierarchy that results in mass unrest and disobedience. By removing the throne, everyone is equal. Also, dragons famously hate thrones because their stature is too large to fit upon them by natural means.

What’s west of Westeros?

A Starbucks, also a hairdressers and wheelchair shop.

What have Sansa and Arya been doing in the interim period?

The girls busied themselves with embroidery classes, embroidering until their fingers bled. Sansa continued to stare at Joffrey in a flirty way any time they crossed paths, eventually culminating in a teen pregnancy and rather colourful episode of Teen Mom. Joffrey vowed to be a good Dad, but failed to hold down a steady job to contribute to his daughter’s wellbeing. Sansa left his no-good, lazy ass and decided to focus on herself. She went back to embroidery, her first love, and ended up embroidering a cute little patch on Meghan Markle’s wedding dress.

Arya kept at archery but also pursued acting. She auditioned for the role of Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games but narrowly missed out on the role to Jennifer Lawrence. Arya was allegedly “too good an aim” for the movie, with the producers worried that her efforts would seem too polished to viewers. As a malicious act of revenge, Arya polished Jennifer Lawrence’s carseats which resulted in J-Law sliding right off the seat and out the passenger window. Nobody was hurt, but Arya learned a valuable lesson about the wicked energy of channelling your anger into violence.

How did Jon Snow’s dog lose an ear?

Tyrion was riding the dog like a horse and using its ears to hang on. They were galloping around, having a terrific time, when Tyrion spotted a brothel nearby. He tugged a little too excitedly on the dog’s ear and it came clean off. The dog yelped in anger and Tyrion felt awful. He arranged for the brothel to show the dog “a splendid good time” and roughly eight minutes later, both emerged from the premises with grins wider than their stature and all atrocities of the past forgotten. They remain firm friends to this very day.