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5th September 2018
07:37pm BST

This is Gayna, a 38-year-old carehome laundry assistant from West Yorkshire, and the first one over the trenches and into the Bradley Walsh-manned no man's land. Gayna proved herself to be the second best player on this ragtag team of misfits and scoundrels during the final round.
She was the first one up, no easy task, bringing a healthy pot of £7,000 with her. Fair play to her. #Respect.
Tim, as you can see, was obviously the weakest member of the team and had "takes the lower offer despite his teammates telling him not" written all over him. He proved the doubters (me) wrong, however, by making it back with a respectable £3,000.
Tangent: nobody on The Chase ever listens to their teammates' arguments about what amount to take and the reason for that is because they simply don't offer them any actual advice. They just say words. Meaningless words. Completely meaningless words they don't mean. The whole rigmarole is completely redundant, with Bradley turning them around to face their #squad so they then offer such sage wisdom as:
"If you think you can get back with the higher offer, go for it. If you don't think you can, then don't do that. Obviously. So in conclusion, I don't know really"
"It's a good offer, and you could take it, but we need you back for the final round. So... yeah. Yeah."
" *shrugging* "
Tim is 62-years-old, a retired database administrator (??) and really, really into planes (???) for some reason, and that fact makes up the entirety of his banter for the show: occasionally referencing the fact that he likes planes and chuckling to himself.
If you had asked me the person most befitting of the name 'Tim' in the entire world, I would point to this man right here and say: "This one. This is the guy. He likes planes and spreadsheets and absolutely nothing else in the entire world."
Here he is then, the self-appointed cheeky one of the gang, whose only real character trait is simply "being a student".
"What do you study Luca?" Bradley Walsh asks, pulling a face as though he's just noticed your leg is turning septic and is mentally preparing an emergency amputation.
"Medicine" Luca replies, with a big, silly, wide-eyed grin that says: look at me. I study medicine. Isn't that great. I'm going to be a doctor and everything.
"Oh. So you want to be a doctor or a scientist or something?" Bradley Walsh then asks, right on the button.
Luca, 21, who is a "big fan of takeaways", brings back £4,000 somehow. And oh god, don't you just know it, he's really fucking pleased. He's really fucking happy with himself.
This is Diane. She is the best member of the team. She'd be the best member in any team ever assembled tasked with doing just about anything.
Diane went on The Chase, took a ludicrous higher offer of £86,000, proceeded to answer every single question correctly so it didn't seem like a pursuit at all really - more like two people silently riding an escalator a few steps apart - said "this is my yard", dropped the mic and left.
52, housewife, caring for her unwell husband, certified quiz genius, gigantic pair of stones on her.
The Chase pretends it is a team game but really it isn't, the power of the individual is always decisive. Diane could have listened to the faux advice of her wishy-washy teammates and taken the middle offer but she had absolutely no interest in doing so.
The Governess attempted to entangle her in the adhesive, throbbing web of greed with an offer simply too good to refuse but one everyone without the requisite cojones turns down anyway, and Diane just shrugged and met her steely, aristocratic gaze. She. Did. Not. Fucking. Blink. Ladies. And. Gentlemen.
It was then the spider realised she was, in fact, the fly.
Some thoughts on The Governess:
A Study in Frustration by Kyle Picknell and Anne Hegarty
That is the endgame for us all, to at least once in our sorry little lives exert as much force, and pressure and heat, as the Duchess is in that exact moment where she is trying to remember who directed Milk and Good Will Hunting or what sport Ross Barkley plays.
Tennis, she says, reluctantly. She already knows it is wrong.
"Wrong!" Bradders snaps, as her head rocks back in disbelief.
Sometimes, and it is only in the rarest instances that she is stumped to the extent her face begins to resemble a dog trying to sneeze, she can't even offer a customary stab in the dark. She passes, the most embarrassing thing a Chaser can do, before the correct answer comes as it always does (the contestants do not remember the director either and plump for Ben Affleck for some reason).
"Gus Van Sant", Walsh utters, barely pausing to consider the pronunciation, before she sighs, then tuts, then rolls her eyes, then returns to her default snarl, figure a. at the top of the above chart of frustration.
The other funny thing she does, as she did when finding out the answer to a question about the Prime Minister of Portugal, is interrupting Bradley Walsh mid-answer in an attempt to convince the viewers (and herself, so she can sleep at night) of her own infallibility.
"The correct answer was Salaz-"
"Salazar." *nodding vigorously* "Yes, yes." *shakes head ferociously* "Of course!" *bashes her forehead with her palm over and over* "You should. Have. Fucking. Got. That. Anne." *she is bleeding now, there is blood everywhere* "You idiot, you absolute fucking cretin, Anne!" *collapses into the pool of blood*
*five seconds of studio silence, Bradley Welsh one-liner, cut to ads*
2. This is her "Oh, did I get that one right??? OF COURSE I FACKIN' DID" face.
Diane is a shark. Don't believe anything you think you know about her.
3. This is the face Bradley Walsh pulls witnessing the above, literally unable to comprehend what is going on.
Note: look at that fucking side-eye glance Diane is giving the Governess as if to say "You think I didn't know what scrimshaw was? Bitch, please. I invented the tusk carving game."
4. This is the face Diane pulls when her mental calculations inform her she has won her team £100,000 and caused one of the best quizzers in the world to completely unravel.
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