Season one promised so much.
Following Louis van Gaal’s unceremonious departure at the end of last season, Manchester United finally looked to have got their act together in the post-Ferguson era. A world-class manager was appointed, and duly granted an enormous transfer kitty with which to build a powerful squad for the campaign ahead.
Stellar names were tempted to Old Trafford, and even their most ardent rivals could not deny that the Red Devils would be a fearsome foe in the season ahead. Except the expected renaissance did not come to pass. Despite a proven coach, unlimited resources and proven talents, the side continue to flounder.
How does one possibly explain such logic-defying happenings? Why doesn’t everything quite add up at Old Trafford? We looked into the stranger things happening at Manchester United…
‘Papa’
A major part of the problem seems to be the silver-haired architect at the heart of the operation. There are some who suspect that his dark arts are now past their sell-by date, and that he is involved in something beyond his control.
That said, you’d be foolish to write him off at this stage. His methods are far from universally popular – and often highly immoral – but they do tend to achieve results. Plus there are no limits to what he’d do to get what he wants.
‘Local crackpots’
Dismissed by nearly everyone as deluded cranks, Manchester United fans simply refuse to give up hope. Results and performances may well point to the contrary, but they cling onto any sign that success is just around the corner.
Such is the distressing state of some supporters, that they have been known to desperately stare at colourful lights on their smartphones, waiting for their enemies to slip up, or a match-day squad that doesn’t feature Marcos Rojo.
‘Missingtaryan’
One of the biggest concerns for panicked fans is the continued absence of Henrikh Mkhitaryan. It was all happy families at the beginning of the season, but it’s as if he has disappeared from the surface of the earth since the Manchester derby.
One theory is that he is stuck in the ‘Upside Down’, a scary alternative reality full of meals at Wings Restaurant and matchdays spent sitting next to Bastian Schweinsteiger in the Old Trafford stands. It is worse than being dead.
‘Defenders’
Desperately trying to salvage the situation is a gang of unruly and disorganised friends who don’t really understand what’s going wrong – but know it’s not good. They are known to wander here, there and everywhere without any real plan.
Eric is the most stubborn and difficult, whilst Daley is the sensitive one who tries his best to keep everyone together – without much success. Chris is mocked for talking a bit funny but it’s pretty clear he has some kind of condition.
‘The Monster’
A frightening other-worldly enigma who is at the heart of everything for some reason. ‘The Monster’ is dangerous to be around, and can often be found lurking in the darkest corners of the pitch, approximately 20 yards behind the play.
Little is known about his motives or reasons behind his highly erratic behaviour, but he does make a habit of dragging others down to his level. The majority prefer him to disappear altogether, but that would require a half decent eleven.
‘Twenty-One’
One of the few characters able to communicate effectively with the Monster, Twenty-One has thus far managed to perform admirably in Papa’s strange and sometimes extremely cruel experiments in Manchester United’s midfield.
He continues to shine despite a lack of support from his teammates, but there is a growing concern that he could implode if others do not contribute every once in a while. Has been known to whisper ‘mouth-breather’ at £89m colleagues.
‘Roo-Barb’
Much like Missingtaryan, Roo-Barb has strangely disappeared in recent weeks. Unlike Missingtaryan, no one seems to give a shit.
You can catch up on the latest episode of JOE’s Football Friday Live right here…
