Episode 4 – CARAMEL WEEK!
It was a big night last night on GBBO where such exciting incidents as caramel beginning to crystallise and Noel Fielding finally unmasking Banksy occurred.
Inevitably, between trying to go viral with your hot takes on Twitter and furiously messaging your dedicated GBBO WhatsApp group, it’s likely that a few key occurrences went over your head during the show.
Relax, I got you. Here’s what you might’ve missed.
1. Sophie’s shortbread broke its leg so she heroically put it in a splint, thereby saving its life
With all the excitement of GBBO, it’s easy to forget that the bakers are subjecting themselves and their creations to a multitude of dangers in that jazzy little tent. There are sharp knives, fire hazards and Paul’s incredibly spiky teenage boy hairstyle all vying for the bakers’ attention to distract them from what really matters: baking something that isn’t shit.
Last night we saw the devastating effects of kitchenary danger as Sophie was forced to splint her shortbread after it tripped over a suspected wayward electric mixer cable. Splinting is a very effective medical technique whereby the subject’s affected area is kept rigidly straight so as to prevent any further damage. Sophie’s shortbread made a speedy recovery thanks to her quick thinking. I daren’t think what could’ve happened otherwise. Stay woke.
2. Jesus appeared in James’ caramel very briefly, then dissolved into the sugary abyss from whence he came
It was a real blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, but I’ve managed to capture it above because The Lord provided me the strength with which to do it. As the contestants were attempting their first trial run of the notoriously difficult caramel, we got to see James’ efforts, at which point something caught my eye. If you look very closely towards the middle of the pot, you might be able to see our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ with his arms spread apart in confusion.
Jesus was letting James know that his caramel was beginning to crystallise, meaning the whole thing would be rendered useless and he would need to start again unless the situation could be rectified immediately. Some people use a baker’s intuition, but James is very clearly cheating by employing the help of the Son of God. As a viewer, I was shocked to see him getting away with this kind of tactic, but nobody else seemed to notice. BRB, ringing OfCom.
3. Noel Fielding unmasked Banksy and we are forever indebted to him as a result
Yan insists she isn't Banksy, but there's definitely some strong similarities in their work so I think she's lying #GBBO pic.twitter.com/mBsUNTSL63
— JOE (@JOE_co_uk) September 19, 2017
It’s like we’re looking at the exact same thing here, but twice. Noel Fielding, the people’s hero, last night suggested that Yan’s design for her millionaire’s shortbread looked quite similar to Banksy’s trademark style, and with that, Yan’s face dropped and her eyes glazed over. She had been uncovered. Yan is Banksy. Finally, we’ve done it. We have unmasked the unmaskable. Yan from GBBO is Banksy.
Obviously as expected, Yan denied the accusation and did her best to laugh the whole thing off, but her actions spoke louder than words as she spray-painted a stencil of Her Majesty upon the chocolate topped shortbread. It was a risky move for Banksy to enter GBBO and expect to go undetected. Today, we have Noel Fielding to thank for this stunning revelation. The signs were there from the beginning. You can’t spell Banksy without ‘ANY’, which is an anagram of Yan. Folks, she’s been rumbled.
4. ‘Tetris’ is now an acceptable design style when you can’t be arsed anymore
We are living in 2017, but Liam is out here in 3017, my dudes. The nation’s sweetheart baked some impressive looking shortbread, but the design left a lot to be desired, IMO. He scattered the treats on a wooden board, cleverly concealing the messy looking ones by shoving them side-by-side to prevent the oozing caramel from going everywhere. By spacing them out, it gives the appearance that there’s more of them, whilst the accompanying artwork distracts you from the rugged nature of the shortbread.
How did Liam get away with this and also receive a golden handshake from Hollywood? Simple. He called it Tetris. The display is an homage to Tetris. Going forward, I too will be describing my everyday ineptitudes as Tetris. My car isn’t messy, it’s Tetris. Those clothes on the floor are actually a Tetris display, it’s art. Dishes in the sink? Nah mate, Tetris. Thank you Liam for introducing this concept to the world.
5. WTF THEY TURNED ALL THE CONTESTANTS INTO WAFFLES!!1!!1!!
Easily the highlight of each episode of GBBO is when the bakers place the fruits of their technical challenge next to a photograph of themselves, mostly because it looks like Paul and Prue have magicked them into baked goods. It’s like a funeral wake, whereby you pay your respects to the person that is extremely dead, as they lie next to a photograph of them at their best.
Pair that with Paul and Prue’s expressions as they try to work out who’s fucked the challenge the most, along with the occasional chuckle at how theatrically awful some of the attempts are and we’re looking at televisual gold. It’s like they’ve just returned to the tent to discover that their pals have been turned into waffles and now they have to decide which one they must eat first in order to survive. Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.
6. Stacey completed the Fibonacci spiral and I’m not sure what that means
She’s a terrific baker, but did we know that she was a master of logarithmic spirals? No, but this serves as an important reminder about assumptions. When you assume, you make a big idiot out of everyone. Of course Stacey can make a Fibonacci spiral because everyone has the power within them to create an approximation of the golden spiral created by drawing circular arcs connecting the opposite corners of squares in the Fibonacci tiling.
It could also just be a massive coincidence that I was able to lay and subsequently manipulate the golden spiral over Stacey’s sugar art, but I’m inclined to believe that her intentions were deliberate. Stacey is a master of baking and she has now proven herself to be a master of mathematics. Either that, or she is a purveyor of witchcraft, in which case she must be ceremoniously burnt at the stake outside the GBBO tent as Hollywood looks on with a piercing stare and basket of perfectly baked bread. That’s the rule.
Images via Channel 4
