Day 8.
Oh boy, did you see? Did you see it? Did you see Love Island last night?
One week and one day in, it all kicked off. Rosie confronted Adam about being shady and he WENT OFF. Adam stripped his clothes clean off with his bare hands, filled the pool with his own faeces and then smeared it all over his quivering naked body. His fellow islanders looked on in horror as the shit filled his every pore.
Adam was then escorted off the premises by security and medically assessed. It turns out he’s been suffering from AL syndrome, a debilitating condition that makes him crave being an Absolute Legend at all times. We wish him the best at this difficult time and a very speedy recovery.
In reality, it was another standard episode of Love Island. Here’s what you missed.
1. Hayley took one for the team and suggested that Charlie should tint his eyebrows
He’s not in the villa 24 hours, but already Hayley was giving Charlie some beauty tips and credit where it’s due, it was solid advice. She queried whether Charlie would ever tint his eyebrows, a concept that he truly could not understand and then described as “a bit feminine”. Charlie, if it’s going to make you look slightly less like Handsome Squidward, doing a bit of a feminine act is a small price to pay for not looking utterly frightening. But also, why stop at the eyebrows? Let’s get a Gomez Addams moustache going, maybe even a goatee while we’re there. Hayley’s really onto something, for once.
2. Dani Dyer carries around a small quantity of blood with her at all times
Honestly, it’s not a bad strategy and one that I could see myself adopting in the very near future. You never know when you’re going to need precisely 250ml of blood. Perhaps you’ll make a spur of the moment blood donation and then want to replenish your supplies. Or, you simply enjoy the taste of blood. Either way, it’s always a good idea to keep some blood with you at all times, as a reserve. Let’s incorporate blood into our list of Leaving The House Essentials. That list is now: Phone, keys, money, tissue, Imodium, copy of the Financial Times, cheque book, six Brillo Pads, an autographed photo of Dean Gaffney and a bottle of blood. Ready to go!
3. Alex experienced drama for the first time in his precious and sheltered life
Rosie and Adam’s heated exchange was very clearly the most dramatic interaction Alex has ever seen in his goddamn life. He was awestruck, taking the full weight of the conversation to heart. Alex definitely leads a simple life. He mends hearts instead of breaking them. He’s probably had the same group of friends since school and considers anything over three beers to be a wild night out. To be plunged into a reality television show with fourteen lunatics, one of whom is willing to have a very public fight with their other half, Alex is completely out of his depth. This kind of conflict hasn’t been on Casualty or Shortland Street before, so he’s never seen it. Alex needs immediate minding.
4. Someone was drinking a large glass of milk and needs to leave the villa immediately
They’re in Majorca. It’s 30 degrees. Megan, Laura and Hayley were chatting on the outdoor beds beside a thousand bottles of suncream when it became apparent that someone was drinking a large glass of milk. Respectfully, the consumer of this beverage is scum. When it’s warm outside, you crave cold drinks – water, beer, mostly alcohol. But milk? A tall glass of undoubtedly warm milk? I don’t want to point fingers, but it’s sitting closest to Laura and she’s wearing a poker visor, so she’s clearly in the mood for making poor choices on this occasion. We need her removed from the villa immediately. That’s what happened to Niall, he was caught drinking fizzy milk and was swiftly turfed out.
5. Georgia invented a new hairstyle and Nicky Clarke is reportedly SHOOK
Ladies? Am I right? Sometimes you just can’t decide whether your hair should be straight or curly. It’s a difficult decision, not to exaggerate, but it’s gravely important. Curly hair gives out a different vibe to straight hair. Your entire personality changes depending on which of the two you go for. It’s about far more than hair. Georgia may have just overtaken Elon Musk in the innovation department as she has fashioned a brand new hairstyle which combines both straight and curly hair. It may seem as though she’s been called into the diary room for a quick chat midway through getting ready for a night out, but that is legitimately not the case. She looked like that for the entirety of the evening. This show is insanity.
6. The Love Island “Festival” decorations were appalling and likely fashioned by a giddy toddler
Ah yes, a sign pointing to the direction of ‘Banter’, which indeed seems to be EVERYWHERE! We are certainly at a festival now, my dudes. Breathe it in because this is living. Need to know where the bedrooms are situated in the villa that you’ve been living in for a week? Well, they’re over to the right. Same with the fire pit, which you’ve sat at multiple times a day for seven days. However, the ‘Good Times’ are over to the left now. They used to be straight ahead, but they’ve deviated ever so slightly. Anyway, that’s the formalities out of the way. Go and enjoy this momentous festival which consists of three bottles of prosecco, zero music and a supremely uncomfortable dancing montage. Enjoy!
Images via ITV
