As we learned from last week’s episode, Chris & Olivia: Crackin’ On is not going to fill the ever-present void left by Love Island. Not by a country mile, my dudes.
But it’s a good watch if you like cringeworthy reality television, I can guarantee that much.
Mad respect to the pair for having no qualms whatsoever in sharing their at times incredibly ugly arguments on telly for all the world to see.
Episode two had an abundance of cringe, as expected. Here’s seven moments that deserve mentioning.
1. Olivia has a sign on her bedroom wall that says ‘Sleep’
She also has a sign on her bathroom wall that says ‘Poop’ and one in her kitchen that says ‘Eat’, probably. I don’t want to have a go at Olivia over such an irrelevant decoration, but it’s dumb as hell. Why would you need to be reminded that you’re supposed to sleep in your bedroom? Your body instinctively knows that it’s supposed to go to sleep every night. No reminder necessary, no siree. There’s so many other ways to decorate your bedroom wall, like with a poster of late 90s/early 2000s Leonardo DiCaprio, or with a generic photograph of the New York skyline. A sign that says ‘Sleep’ is honestly the dumbest thing I have seen in my entire life. You’re better than this, Olivia.
2. Chris’ birthday cake figurine was the spitting image of him
As if it even needs pointing out, that is very clearly Chris Hughes from Love Island atop of the stunning birthday cake pictured above. He is known for his trademark green wellies, denim jeans, thick black jumpers and dark brown hair. Whomever made this cake deserves a hefty bonus. Whatever Olivia paid for this cake to be made, it was a steal. Chris Hughes is as striking on a cake as he is in real life. That is Chris Hughes. Chris Hughes is the man on top of the cake. Got it? Good.
3. Chris was struggling to open a jar, so his good lady friend Olivia stepped in to get the job done
Yes! Girl power! Olivia returned home after a long and arduous morning of getting her photograph taken, when she was greeted by Chris who was making a sandwich (more on the sandwich to follow). They were chatting away, but Chris was distracted as he was particularly stumped by a jar of chutney. He couldn’t quite open it, so Olivia offered to intervene. She gave it the classic countertop triple tap before it opened easier than an Irish off licence on St. Patrick’s Day. Chris was grateful and widely hailed as a genuine feminist ally. Fellas, it’s 2018. Don’t be afraid to let your lady open a jar for you.
4. Chris made the most disgusting sandwich many of us are ever likely to see
This crime against humanity should’ve been censored. What an abomination against society. Chris appears to be having a cheese and chutney sandwich, but the proportions were way off. There should never be that much chutney accompanying such a scant spread of cheese. Not in our Queen’s country. Chris Hughes has done many things that he should feel ashamed of, but this one truly takes the biscuit. I don’t want to food shame the guy, I just want him to be aware that that kind of sandwich should be made in private, not in front of cameras that are recording your every move for a reality television show.
5. The couple had a fight, so naturally Chris jumped out of their taxi to shout at no one in particular
Chris and Olivia were having a huge fight about something ridiculous that I don’t care enough about to put into words at this particular moment in time. Things all got a bit too much for Chris, who decided to order the taxi driver to pull over so that he could hop out in the dead of night to shout at no one while he paced the road. Chris is undoubtedly a very special boy who deals with his emotions in a unique way. Surely he could’ve gotten out of the taxi with Olivia to have a quick chat about their problems, if not for themselves then to give the taxi driver a quick break from their ear-piercing shrieks.
6. The pair visited Amsterdam’s famous Condomerie and Chris took it all very seriously
Chris took the visit to the condom shop very seriously, instantly hitting it off with the salesman by asking him a bunch of questions. He was shown some samples and even given a handy take-home measuring tape to use in a way that he sees fit. Chris attempted to purchase some condoms, the brand name of which was ‘Goliath’. It slowly became clear that Chris wanted these particular condoms because the name suggested that they would be very large. The salesman quickly informed him that they were actually quite small, at which point Chris declined to buy them as obviously he would need some very large johnnies.
7. Chris and Olivia wore a couples’ poncho around Amsterdam
After spending the night apart, then reconciling, Chris and Olivia got on with their holiday. Chris took Olivia for a bike ride which mostly involved her shouting obscenities at him, then they walked around in a couples’ poncho, an item that I wasn’t aware even existed until I watched last night’s episode of the show. Even though they fight roughly 23 hours of the day, it’s nice to see that the pair can get along for the sake of a television camera and several additions to their respective Instagram stories. Love is alive and well in 2018.
Images via ITV