Still trying to fill the void left by Love Island? Same.
While television has tried its absolute best to replace Love Island with the likes of Celebrity Big Brother, I’m A Celeb, Survival of the Fittest and the unforgivable Bromans, the void still hasn’t quite been filled.
Luckily, Chris and Olivia from Love Island have kindly agreed to give us a glimpse into their lives after the villa. I say kindly, but they probably got a big stack of cash for doing it.
The first episode of Chris & Olivia: Crackin’ On aired last night and it was really something.
Here’s some highlights.
1. Chris and Olivia touched tongues as a sign of affection
After burping directly into her face and being forced to apologise, Chris begged Olivia for a kiss. She refused, so he coaxed her into touching tongues instead. Is this a thing that couples do in the year of our Lord 2018? There are plenty of ways to show affection. You can have a hug, empty the dishwasher or overthrow the patriarchy so that we may finally achieve true equality for all. But touching tongues? It’s barbaric. Chris and Olivia are visibly trying to keep things fresh, but this is simply not the way. If they touch tongues, where does it end? Touching ears? Touching eyelashes? Touching hands? The madness must stop before one of them gets killed.
2. Chris is still treating the doll from Love Island as if it’s a real baby
Cash Hughes, as a concept, was funny for precisely one episode of Love Island, then we all moved on with our lives. It’s half heartwarming half deeply concerning that a 25-year-old man has been tending to a fake baby for the past eight months when nobody was watching. As soon as the cameras stopped rolling, you’d expect Chris to chuck the baby into the nearest recycling bin and swiftly get on with his life. But it genuinely seems like he hasn’t. I’d like to start a rumour here and now that Chris Hughes off Love Island has tried on several occasions to breastfeed this fake baby. Please spread this information far and wide. If not for me, do it for the banter.
3. Olivia and her friends drank wine through a straw
There are two ways to drink wine: Straight from the bottle or straight from the carton. There is no middle man. Sure, you can pour it into a glass if you’re fancy as heck, but if you’re going to then plonk a straw into it and encourage your friends to do the same, you may reserve the last Sunday of the month for your guillotine appointment. It’s an inhumane means of consumption. Certain things are not supposed to be consumed through a straw. Those items are yoghurt, wine and roast beef. Smarten up, Olivia. You’re a minor celebrity now.
4. Chris said he doesn’t see himself as a celebrity, but as a musician
This would’ve been a pretty savage joke until I remembered that Chris Hughes truly believes that he is a rapper. So he’s being dead serious here. The guy off Love Island that is wearing a large amount of makeup and potentially a light lipgloss in the above image genuinely considers himself to be a musician. He’s had a calendar out and his book is currently available for preorder online. Say what you want about the British public, but don’t say that we can’t use our powers effectively. Sure, Brexit was a colossal fuck up, but look at Chris Hughes. We created that and we should be proud on some level.
5. Chris debuted a new look and it was definitely something
Oh isn’t he a big funny joker? Look at him there with his girlfriend’s hair extensions on. What a prankster, he almost had us fooled for a minute there. Chris is a rapscallion, that’s for sure. He’s somehow maintained a jokester mentality despite being catapulted to fame after leaving the Love Island. Chris and Olivia are indeed ‘Crackin’ On’ and as we can see, but they are definitely still being loads of fun. That’s not his real hair at all, it’s just resting on top of his head. What a lad!
6. Chris’ Dad also believes that the baby is real and treats it as such
I assume that baby Cash Hughes is going to be a strong feature throughout this series, if this first episode is anything to go by. The undeniable number one highlight of the inaugural episode of Chris & Olivia: Crackin’ On goes to Chris’ Dad who instinctively cradled that doll for longer than was comfortable. No one goaded him into it, he simply wanted to look after Cash Hughes as any good grandfather would. What a champ. This man is up for it. If he’s not breastfeeding that baby (like his son did) in next week’s show, I’m going to be livid.
Images via ITV
