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28th May 2019

Predicting the winner of Love Island 2019 based solely on their promo photos


Ciara Knight

Here we, here we, here we fucken go!

Praise the Lord and kiss a baby, it’s back. The lineup for Love Island 2019 has been released and our newest crop of future minor celebrities has finally arrived.

While they are mere strangers to us now, in just a matter of months they’re going to be selling detox teas, doing outrageously priced nightclub appearances with a complimentary photograph, being guests on Loose Women, going into the I’m A Celeb jungle, possibly even writing memoirs about their short but exciting lives.

We’ve got a content-filled summer in store and it’s going to be positively mint. But rather than wait for this whole spectacle to play out, why don’t we crown our winner right now? Based on science and the palpable vibes these attractive young adults give off, we can easily find this year’s Jack and Dani. No problem.

Using nothing more than their promo photographs, behold a glimpse into the not-too-distant future.

12. Curtis

Occupation: Former X Factor Contestant Joe McElderry Impersonator.

Hobbies: Tending to his pet bearded dragon, cutting the crusts off sandwiches, loudly saying ‘Ugh I just love flossing’ when he sees his dentist in town, ringing nightclubs in advance to find out how much it would cost to book a table in the VIP area, clapping for too long when the office sings Happy Birthday to someone, swimming and being comfortable enough with his masculinity to wear pink.

Interesting Fact: Curtis has failed his driving test seventeen times because he refuses to turn down the volume on his Spandau Ballet Greatest Hits CD.

Celebrity Crush: Bianca from EastEnders.

11. Amber

Occupation: Pushy Lush Salesperson.

Hobbies: Referring to her nail technician as ‘my saviour’, practicing popular dance moves at home to give seemingly impromptu renditions of them around friends, always having a spare teaspoon in her handbag in case she finally bumps into Uri Geller, singing Beyoncé songs when she’s nervous, farting in every room she enters to assert dominance, Reikki and avoiding gluten despite having no medical reasons to do so.

Interesting Fact: For maximum banter on a night out, Amber tells people that she’s in Little Mix and offers to pose for photographs at the competitive price of £3.

Celebrity Crush: 90s-era Alan Titchmarsh.

10. Michael

Occupation: Holiday Rep / Human Rights Activist.

Hobbies: Collecting cutlery from every restaurant he goes to, sniffing every carton of milk before he uses it even when the best before date is over a week away, sleeping with a nightlight, providing backing vocals on Kelis’ hit 2003 song ‘Trick Me’, begging his parents to let him have a sleepover that includes a bedtime of 10pm minimum, devoting his entire life to making Jamie Oliver’s remaining time on this earth a living hell after he got Turkey Twizzlers banned from school lunches.

Interesting Fact: Michael can tell within seconds of meeting someone whether they’ve shit themselves in the last six months or not.

Celebrity Crush: Kim and Aggie after they’ve told off a pensioner for having an untidy conservatory.

9. Amy

Occupation: Official Spokesperson For All UK-based Battered Sausages.

Hobbies: Watering plants that don’t require hydration just so they don’t feel left out, using yoghurt as a weapon, calculating Pi to several thousand decimal places while she waits for Bridesmaids 2 to go into production, shooing cats out of the back garden if they appear to have bad vibes, telling people she once saw Santa and he winked at her, kayaking and intensely investigating if laser hair removal procedures work on kiwi skins.

Interesting Fact: Amy can speak five languages, but four of them are secret ones she made up to speak to various household items, such as ‘Pringlish’, which is what she uses to communicate with an empty can of Pringles.

Celebrity Crush: Anton du Beke.

8. Callum

Occupation: Trainee Post-Fecal-Displacement Swimming Pool Drainer.

Hobbies: Polishing javelins, sending graphic love letters to the voiceover artists on Peppa Pig, buying household cleaning products in bulk when they’re on sale, saying ‘at least the car’s getting a wash now’ when it rains, refusing to use contactless payment because he doesn’t want the invisible radio waves frying his brain, dramatically zipping up his jumper when he reaches the frozen aisle in the supermarket, begging the local choir to give him another chance after he botched Pie Jesu at the mayor’s inauguration ceremony last autumn.

Interesting Fact: Callum has an extra toe on his left foot. He calls it his Lady Tickler, despite having never gotten as far as removing his socks in the company of a woman.

Celebrity Crush: Kate McCann.

7. Anton

Occupation: Trapeze Critic Intern.

Hobbies: Looting milk delivery vans while the driver is distracted, using a sideways bracket (Times New Roman font) as inspiration for his eyebrow shape, getting his underwear tailored, asking if they do lasagne in every restaurant he visits, applying more chapstick than the manufacturer recommends, tying his laces extra tight just to feel something, collecting commemorative coins, playing with plasticine, looking identical to Tommy and trying to find missing flight MH370.

Interesting Fact: Anton was born with a heightened sense of smell, so powerful that he could accurately guess that the midwife had eaten a chicken kiev for breakfast.

Celebrity Crush: Connie from AOL.

6. Yewande

Occupation: Professional Supermarket Free Sample Thief.

Hobbies: Organising her rare pickle jar collection, smugly saying ‘I told you so’ when her friends waste their money on grabby machines, rewatching the 2006 fantasy comedy movie Click on a bimonthly basis, returning leggings because they ‘seem evil’, telling people that she can’t attend an event because she will be tending to her succulents, plucking out her eyelashes just to feel something, cycling and wondering where the guy that said WONGA is now.

Interesting Fact: An anagram of Yewande is ‘Wean Dye’, which is a company she started in 2016. They produce hair dye for Scottish children. It’s all natural and vegan friendly.

Celebrity Crush: Basil Brush.

5. Tommy

Occupation: Impersonal Trainer.

Hobbies: Telling girls he once had a wee beside the guy off Big Brother that had Tourette’s, making ‘super sandwiches’ (three slices of bread), uploading Instagram posts with the caption ‘Standard’, using his housemates’ condiments despite repeatedly being asked not to, starting WhatsApp groups but never contributing to them, referring to cheese as ‘chee-chee’, opening beer bottles with his teeth and spreading the good word of the Lord.

Interesting Fact: Tommy has the nickname ‘Artichoke’ because the first time he saw the Mona Lisa painting, he was so overcome with emotion that he began to choke on his own saliva.

Celebrity Crush: Toyah Wilcox.

4. Anna

Occupation: Anchovy Tin Designer.

Hobbies: Acting in insurance fraud TV commercials, perusing the work of F. Scott Fitzgerald, criticising peoples’ mispronunciation of ‘Nice’ biscuits, searching for washed up bottles with messages in them, being a flat earth truther, financing studies into the effects of banter on the human brain, making daisy chains to send to former lovers, sampling expensive wines, working on her Robert De Niro impression and organising Shredded Wheat in order of size.

Interesting Fact: Anna has a tail that she uses for balance and whipping objects out of her path. In 12 years, she will write an autobiography called ‘Anna’s Tales’, which is a play on words.

Celebrity Crush: John Kerry.

3. Sherif

Occupation: Assistant Linguine Folder.

Hobbies: Refusing to acknowledge analog time, playing along with Countdown when it’s on the telly, mismatching his socks to appear quirky, lending friends DVDs despite nobody owning a DVD player anymore, teaching croquet to disadvantaged dogs, mixing beer, Sprite and Coke to make ‘Bespoke’, telling girls he loves to talk about his feelings, cheating by Googling crossword clues, updating his blog about the perfect temperature that a shower should be and singing very quietly to himself at work.

Interesting Fact: Sherif don’t like It, the Stephen King horror novel.

Celebrity Crush: Ginny Weasley.

2. Lucie

Occupation: Good Boy Determiner – Dog Division.

Hobbies: Playing the flute, going for walks upon beds of nails, asking strangers for directions simply to feel a brief human connection, poking her finger through birthday cakes in the supermarket, foraging for nuts and berries in the woods, launching her own personal investigation into the Titanic’s sinking in 1912, describing the invention of AirPods as ‘life-changing’, negotiating with local fruit traders to secure the best deal for herself and her family, playing Scrabble, Tic-Tac-Toe and cheating at Cluedo.

Interesting Fact: Lucie can successfully travel through space and time but she chooses not to because that whole thing ‘proper freaks’ her ‘nut’.

Celebrity Crush: Michael Gove.

1. Joe

Occupation: Fully-Licensed Banter Merchant.

Hobbies: Denying the existence of Dementors, weighing loose items incorrectly in the supermarket, flirting with the cabin crew on every flight he’s ever taken, over-working the dough when baking bread for sustenance, challenging unsuspecting strangers to a sword fight duel, fainting on command, balancing a sweeping brush on his chin, referring to chicken dippers as ‘chicky dip-dips’, questioning the integrity of long life batteries, vaping and exclusively wearing potassium-themed clothing.

Interesting Fact: Investigators have worked out that there’s a very high chance that Joe is Banksy, but they’re legally prevented from telling anyone.

Celebrity Crush: June Sarpong.

Check out the accuracy (and inaccuracy) of last year’s predictions here