I GOT A TEEEEEEEEEEEXT!
Finally, we’re edging another step closer to this year’s launch of Love Island now that we know who the contestants are.
But forget about their heavily scripted biographies that accompany the press release. That’s for mugs. Muggy, muggy mugs. What’s far more fun is using their promo photos to predict their personalities, based on nothing more than stereotypes and strong vibes.
Let’s try to figure out who’s going to be a nightmare on Love Island 2018 and make some powerful enemies before the new series even begins.
Adam
Occupation: Foot Locker Staff Supervisor (recently promoted).
Hobbies: Competitively playing pitch and putt, telling girls he’s “actually a really sensitive guy”, kissing his Mum on the lips and using a trolley token at the supermarket rather than a pound coin.
Interesting Fact: Adam once had 16 verrucas on his foot and infected his entire swimming class because he refused to wear the special socks.
Celebrity Crush: Kay Burley.
Dani
Occupation: Travelodge Receptionist.
Hobbies: Buying unicorn-themed household items, uploading Instagram stories on a night out of herself singing along to Dua Lipa, eating prawn cocktail crisps and allowing her dog to lick the inside of her mouth afterwards.
Interesting Fact: Dani has a fear of cotton wool and putting air in her car tyres.
Celebrity Crush: Mick Hucknall.
Alex
Occupation: Meat Tenderiser.
Hobbies: Perfecting his lasso skills, reminding people that the MOT is “just a moneymaking racket” and contributing to his friends’ WhatsApp group called ‘It’s A Very Very LAD World by Gary Jules’.
Interesting Fact: Alex is 7ft tall and can smell chest infections from over a mile away.
Celebrity Crush: Coleen Nolan.
Hayley
Occupation: Neuroscientist.
Hobbies: Determining the severity of antibiotic resistance, investigating whether space exploration can altar the expression of certain genes and solving Rubik’s cubes in under 3 minutes.
Interesting Fact: Last year, Hayley, along with a team of Chinese computer scientists, successfully teleported properties of light particles from the ground into outer space.
Celebrity Crush: Elon Musk.
Eyal
Occupation: Train Snack Trolley Operator.
Hobbies: Being a self-confessed “cheeky chappy”, wearing XS blouses from the ladies’ department of Topshop, sucking his teeth so they’re bone dry at all times and referring to chicken dippers and chips as ‘chippies and dippies’.
Interesting Fact: Eyal’s surname is Pernickety-Cumbucket.
Celebrity Crush: Condoleezza Rice.
Kendall
Occupation: Salmon Farmer.
Hobbies: Insisting that her 10k Instagram followers aren’t bought, absorbing other peoples’ personalities and combining them all together to make her own, being a #ProudVegan online and quote tweeting Katie Hopkins with ‘Ugh ffs stop’ at least twice a week.
Interesting Fact: Kendall won a national gymnastics competition at school, but who came in second place? Mo Farah.
Celebrity Crush: Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
Jack
Occupation: Part-Time Hairdresser, Full-Time Massive Legend.
Hobbies: Bankrupting himself by buying a litre of vodka for the table in a bar to impress a girl who still isn’t interested, calling his younger brother a ‘soft boy’, taking a fistful of free mints in a restaurant on the way out and reminding everyone that he once squeezed Jane Eyre’s bum in a dream.
Interesting Fact: Jack once squeezed Jane Eyre’s bum in a dream and she punched him in the gut.
Celebrity Crush: Jane Eyre and Sonia off Eastenders.
Laura
Occupation: Hollywood Stunt Driver.
Hobbies: Smashing the patriarchy, campaigning for equal rights and pay for women, questioning conventional gender paradigms, holding the media accountable for its agenda-ridden output.
Interesting Fact: Until she was 8, Laura thought cheese was called ‘Clumpty-fluff’.
Celebrity Crush: Nile Rodgers.
Niall
Occupation: Financial Ombudsman.
Hobbies: Arranging his collection of Blu-ray DVDs in alphabetical order according to the director’s mother’s maiden name, eating Dairylea Lunchables in a non-ironic way, playing the kazoo and putting coconut oil in and around his moisture-deprived butthole.
Interesting Fact: Niall is afraid of trundle wheels after one ran over his pinky toe in primary school.
Celebrity Crush: Anthea Turner.
Samira
Occupation: Yoghurt TV Advert Actor.
Hobbies: Walking barefoot across hot coals to build up strong heat-resistant soles, sitting in the emergency row on a flight, purchasing cordless appliances and fantasising about Brian McFadden’s chin.
Interesting Fact: Samira, if she was granted one wish, would use it on having Peppa Pig come to life and be her best friend forever. A second wish would be for Peppa’s brother, George.
Celebrity Crush: Noddy Holder.
Wes
Occupation: Wagamama Waiter.
Hobbies: Making sure you get ‘a slap-up meal tonight mate’, wearing athleisure wear, calling alcoholic drinks ‘Sherbet Dip Dabs’ and capsizing every canoe he’s ever been in ‘for banter’.
Interesting Fact: Wes is short for Wesmond. Also he has Glandular Fever at present.
Celebrity Crush: Janet Street-Porter.
All images via ITV
