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26th Sep 2017

Predicting the winner of The Apprentice based solely on their promo photos

One of these people is practicing mind control

Ciara Knight

*extremely The Apprentice music*

The Apprentice is back on 4th October and I for one welcome our new dorky business overlords.

As with every series, we can more or less guarantee that there’s going to be at least one insufferable pain in the bottom, one crybaby, one blatant trust fund recipient and no fewer than five Tories.

But who’s going to win? I’ve got a hunch.

18. Michaela Wain

Michaela looks like too much of a good time to even be taking part in The Apprentice. She resembles the person at a local band’s gig that’s eternally having the night of her goddamn life, yet still manages to show up for work the next morning acting like she’d spent the night in a hydrating mask whilst securing a solid 8.5 hours sleep. How do I know this? It’s a combination of the hair, glasses and teasing smile. Those glasses are party time, pure and simple. They weren’t purchased to look at a computer screen all day, they were bought to see the world, one dingy nightclub at a time.


17. Sajan Shah

Although impeccably dressed, The Apprentice world isn’t where Sajan belongs. He’s a man destined for greatness, but mostly in his personal life as opposed to one that suits Lord Sugar’s tempestuous ways. Sajan is a lad through and through, you can smell it. Those eyes have seen some things you wouldn’t believe. Those hands, although concealed, have felt the weight of eight Jägerbombs all for himself because it was 4 for the price of 3. Sajan doesn’t want to win The Apprentice, he just wants to gain enough Twitter followers so he can blag his way into a social media manager job for a well-known supermarket.


16. Charles Burns

Mate. Mate mate mate mate mate. Maaaaaaate. Charles is clearly the vivacious groundskeeper in a video game who tells you where to find the hidden potions that you need to restore your life percentage to get to the next level. He is merely on The Apprentice as a social experiment to see how deep he can go into a reality television show until he is detected and banished to the land of a thousand porcupines forevermore. Charles isn’t going to win, but he’s going to have a jolly good spiffing time regardless.


15. James White

James has turned up for the wrong photoshoot because he is very clearly the spoiled son of a millionaire investment banker and his third wife, a retired supermodel named Cynthia. His Dad’s new wife, a working supermodel also named Cynthia, doesn’t stand a chance against this little brat, who has promised to expose her for the gold digging scum that she is. James was expelled from boarding school because he stapled a first year to the roof of the common room wearing nothing but a sheath made of Oreo wrappers. He bribed Claude to get him on the show and now he’s going to prove to Cynthia II that he’s a powerhouse.


14. Sarah Lynn

Sarah cannot possibly win The Apprentice because she is a primary school teacher with a soft spot for unicorn ornaments and 2 for 1 biscuit offers in the supermarket. She was once reprimanded for caring too much about her students, after she was caught driving eight of them home in her Mini Cooper because she couldn’t stand to see them trekking home in the rain. It was a joyous moment for the children as she broke down that notoriously stern teacher/student barrier. Sarah Lynn is Miss Honey from Matilda and you’d do well to convince me otherwise.


13. Siobhán Smith

Siobhán won’t be able to devote all of her time to being an apprentice when she is blatantly an extra from Holby City. She played the role of a disgruntled social care worker who was involved in a very minor collision when her car was rear-ended by a van. After a gruelling three-hour wait in A&E, she found out that they detected a very small man living in her large intestine. Once they carefully removed this gentleman, she was on her way to the next important acting gig that involves no logic whatsoever: The Apprentice!


12. Harrison Jones

Harrison made the rugby A-team in school and has devoted his entire life’s work to reminding people of that incredible achievement. Since then, he’s worked hard at becoming the next Mark Zuckerberg by trying to invent a time machine to allow him to set up Facebook a week before Mark stole it from those twins. While he’s waiting for the time machine to come together, Harrison enjoys playing polo and going clay pigeon shooting under the influence of cold and flu medicine. He won’t win The Apprentice but that’s fine because he’ll just go back to that time machine construction.


11. Danny Grant

Danny hasn’t a hope of winning The Apprentice because he is simply too busy being a love rat on Eastenders. He swanned onto Albert Square with his pregnant fiancé, only to fall in love with literally any female that ever made eye contact with him. When his fiancé discovered his indiscretions, Danny was banished to the couch, where he was then caught sexting the robot person from Apple’s Live Chat online feature. In the ultimate Eastenders plot twist, the baby came out half Asian, but you’ll have to tune into the next episode to find out who’s the real father.


10. Joanna Jarjue

Not a chance of Joanna winning The Apprentice this year because she’s up to her eyes being a mischievous receptionist who has a law degree and is just in between jobs right now. She marches through the office in a Joan from Mad Men manner each day telling everyone that they’re garbage whilst also subtly on the hunt for biscuits. Joanna is hungry for the competition, but ultimately that will be her downfall as she throws every one of her peers under the bus during each boardroom meeting. Lord Sugar won’t stand for it. He does not like buses.


9. Andrew Brady

Andrew used to be in The Kooks or a similar vintage indie band that chose to express themselves through their haircuts. He’s since seen the light and decided to devote himself to the lucrative world of Business, smashing any KPIs that cross his path. There’s still a small part of Andrew that fancies himself as a rock star, which manifests itself in the form of three teeny tiny black earrings to honour his soft rock roots. He won’t win The Apprentice because he will drop literally any commitment for the chance to see Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds live.


8. Ross Fretten

Ross Fretten’s name is always said whole, never simply ‘Ross’ because he is a #serious #business #man. When he’s not doing business, Ross Fretten polices the corridors of his old boarding school at which his father is the notoriously stern headmaster. Ross Fretten doesn’t have time for friendship, he’s got all the friends he needs between his business podcasts, miniature Sudoku books and tobacco pipe. Ross Fretten doesn’t even need to be on The Apprentice because he’s already extremely successful. You may never look Ross Fretten straight in the eye unless you have earned the honour, something which no more than one person has ever done.


7. Jade English

You better not cross Jade because she will eat you up, spit you out, re-ingest you and then spit you out again in the dirt. Although she’ll go far in this series of The Apprentice, it will be her soft spot for supermarket free samples that undoes her efforts. Jade is battling an addiction to these freebies and although she does well to keep a lid on it most of the time, a task that involves handing out supermarket free samples is what’s going to ruin her chances as she goes into a blind rage eating everything in sight. Lord Sugar will admire her stamina, but ultimately see her as a liability.


6. Bushra Shaikh

Bushra has an intense fear of odd numbers, which will severely hamper her progress in this year’s instalment of The Apprentice. Once the other contestants catch wind of this debilitating condition, they’re going to prey on it and drive her towards surrender. They’ll play mind games around Bushra, always putting 3OH!3 on in the car and insisting that 7th Heaven is on the telly every night. Anyone would crack under that kind of torture, meaning Bushra will finish in a respectable (and even) sixth place.


5. Elizabeth McKenna

Your old primary school teacher has found a new hobby and it’s Business. She’s been watching The Apprentice every year since it started in 2005 and Elizabeth knows exactly what’s required to make her the winner. She’s got the strength, determination and just the right amount of fury within her to go all the way, except her fondness of memes will get in the way. As you can see in the above image, Elizabeth is a big fan of the Arthur fist, and ultimately that kind of fascination with the intricacies of making strangers on the internet laugh is going to hold her back.


4. Elliot Van Emden

Elliot will be positively livid when he finishes in fourth place, but his time spent as a movie villain will get him through the upset. To date, Elliot has successfully foiled the attempts of four superheroes trying to save the world, thanks to his insatiable appetite for misery. Captain Misery Guts is a fun-loving accountant by day, but an evil force to be reckoned with by night. As soon as dusk reaches the shores, Elliot cackles maniacally and then feasts upon a banquet of children’s toenails. Appearing on The Apprentice is merely being done to raise his profile and give him a bigger audience for his eventual world domination.


3. Sarah-Jayne Clark

‘Goody Two Shoes Clark’ as she’ll be known as once The Apprentice kicks off, Sarah-Jayne will make a name for herself by being a very decent person but also a massive tattletale which will ultimately be her downfall. Even though Karren and Claude are Lord Sugar’s official snitches, that won’t stop SJ from taking notes during each task to store a wealth of information for the boardroom. She appears to be innocent, but Sarah-Jayne is going to massacre the other contestants when it’s crunch time. Literal massacre. Blood everywhere. PG rating. Ofcom complaints. Carnage.


2. Anisa Topan

Anisa is actually an undercover secret millionaire who you may recognise once I tell you the name: Lord Sugar. Anisa is Lord Alan Sugar in disguise. He’s fed up of trying to find hopefuls on The Apprentice because they’re all useless anyway and we can all agree that the Lord would be better off doing all of the work by himself. Ever the humble man, he’ll strategically finish in second place so as to avoid arousing suspicion and also because there is a far more deserving winner than Lord Sugar himself this year. That winner is…


1. Jeff Wan

There’s only one Jeff Wan and folks, he is going to be this year’s winner on The Apprentice. Jeff is a master of mind control and managed to manipulate Lord Sugar into crowning him the winner, regardless of his total lack of any business acumen. Jeff will hypnotise his fellow contestants from day one, causing each of them to perform poorly and get fired week by week until there is no one left to deem the winner aside from himself. Lord Sugar will commend his phenomenal work throughout the series and offer Jeff Wan the coveted position of being something businessy that no one really knows but is probably a very good job which he truly deserves because he is the greatest businessman of our generation. Jeff Wan forced me to write this article against my own free will, he must be stopped before it’s too la-

Images via BBC