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3rd April 2017
06:07pm BST

As we said, the trailer is very light on story, which is a welcome break from the usual 'here's the entire plot, why even bother going to the cinema at all' approach that trailers frequently take these days COUGH SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING COUGH.
Each of the combatants is representing a different faction of the Arsenal fanbase: Wenger In, Wenger Out, and Wenger We Gonna Stop All This Bullshit. Details leaked through the press suggest that a string of tactical and managerial foul-ups lead to this flapping of fists, but it's where the story goes from there that is the mystery.
Will Ire Man defeat his former friends and smash the Frenchman back across the channel? Will Captain Arsenica save his beloved manager from the lukewarm fury of Ire Man? Can Thorth bring peace to the Emirates and return Arsenal to their rightful place mid-table?
Or will Wenger take the bullet by stepping down and bringing this war to an end? Or will he drag it out for another interminable instalment of the franchise? We. Just. Don't. Know.
This is a civil war, of course, so it makes sense that the action takes place at home,
Captain Arsenica (left), Thorth (middle) and Ire Man (right) are seen without their trademark uniforms, instead wearing more civilian - though most certainly not civil - clobber. Curiously, they all appear to be dressed the same, each wearing a black or black-ish jacket and shit jeans.
The three heroes are rarely seen out of uniform, particularly during combat, so this suggests that this was a surprise, impromptu clash, striking a markedly different tone from the full kit wanker aesthetics of the two prior outings. Not much in the way of gaudy reds and whites; mainly muted blues, blacks and pasty whites.
These are not purpose-built costumes; they're rough-and-ready, come-and-have-a-go-if-you-think-you're-wait-I-didn't-mean-it-mate-please-no clothes, as at home on the terraces as they are in the dock at Crown Court. Of course, the costume decisions will have an impact on...
Ire Man, bereft of his armoured suit, powered by his own sense of indignation, is forced to fight unaided. As such, the best he can manage is a kind of staggering push/hug, just about holding Thorth down, like a dodgy kebab after eight pints. Perhaps he knows Thorth is only trying to bring order and doesn't want to hurt him. Or maybe he's just exhausted from watching Arsenal.
Thorth, arms disabled by the tender embrace of Ire Man and thus unable to use his hammer, is forced to kick his feet up and down like an upended turtle. His feet, which are not hammers, prove to be inadequate weapons, waggling about like lost leather puppies. It's not looking good for Thorth, we have to say.
Captain Arsenica, experienced in hand-to-hand combat, is employing the Zui quan or 'drunken' style of fighting, in which he grabs onto Ire Man's arm and slowly falls backward. When that doesn't work, he takes a swing, missing by such a massive distance that it's hard to believe it's not CGI.
The fight choreography is really incredible, in that none of the kicks or punches actually make contact with their intended targets, in-keeping with the reality of most football fights. Audiences are getting tired of seeing punch-ups where people actually get punched, so in this area, Arsenal: Civil War looks to be breaking new ground.
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