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17th Jul 2018

Dr. Alex’s head has been turned on Love Island tonight

Oh hell. The absolute scoundrel

Kyle Picknell

He has been happily coupled with Alexandra for a good three days now, so why wouldn’t you move on?

I could go in for 10,000 words on Alex, Dr. Alex, the Love Doctor, the big, pink Topman mannequin stood at the centre of the Love Island villa throughout this season, stood there saying things like ‘oh hell’, and ‘doggy fashion’, and ‘do you support the football?’ But I won’t.

Instead, this will just be a light drubbing of his soft-lad personality, as bland as toothpaste, and boring sense of entitlement because he is a doctor and he is tall and he is polite so therefore he deserves a fit person to fall in love with him despite not actually possessing any real attractive qualities such as, I don’t know, the ability to talk to someone like a normal person.

Why are you caressing your own nipple?

Anyway. Enough about Alex. There is a new Laura in the villa, and new Laura is a professional surfer, and she is really, really cool.

OK, back to Alex. This is how he describes her, in typical Alex fashion, whilst talking privately in the beach hut:

“The new girls have come in, Laura in particular seems really nice, she’s blonde, blue eyed, she’s natural looking, she loves swimming, loves the sea, we spent a bit of time together this morning, had a chat.

“She is the kind of girl that’s quite similar to what my type would be.”

This is Laura, by the way:

This is Alex, by the way:

Sure, he’s not a bad looking guy, and that is a terrible photo of him at his absolute pinkest, but still. If their personalities and general attractiveness were in football leagues she’d be in the Premiership whilst he’d be slugging it out in the Vanarama North.

Alexandra, who chose to couple up with Alex over Idris and that other guy (what was his name? Did anybody catch his name?) consequently saving him from being rightfully booted off the island for about the sixth time, has already noticed the Doctor’s head being turned.

She tells him:

“I thought you would like Laura. Just insecurities, because you didn’t cuddle me last night.

“Do you know what it is, I don’t think we’ve been through this situation before. Well we haven’t. So I’m just sitting and watching, I’m assessing everything that’s going on, thinking ‘maybe she’s his type.’

“I don’t want to stop you from talking to other people.”

And in typical Alex fashion, he immediately goes scuttling off to the boys to tell them about his faux-drama, about how he couldn’t cuddle Alexandra suddenly because he spoke to new Laura for about 30 seconds about the sea, and probably said things like “Yeah the sea, is quite wet isn’t it? That’s the thing I find about the sea. Bit bloody wet, isn’t it? Like me. Aha.” and now is completely in love with her.

In his No Bits, Ever Society* meeting, he actually says:

“I definitely need to speak to Alexandra, I want to be open and I’ve always said I want to be open and honest here.

“I don’t want her getting the wrong messages or thinking that we are completely exclusive or anything like that.

“I also don’t want her to think that I’m not at all interested so I just think we need to make sure we’re on the same page and clear things up a little bit.”

What will he possibly do next? Let me tell you, actually. Let me tell you exactly what he is going to do.

He is going to flail about helplessly between the two poor women like a captured fish on a boat’s deck, all the while putting both women off him completely and irreversibly, and he will then be forced to watch, all sad and lonely and pink, as both of them couple up with someone else (new Jack will ditch old Laura for new Laura imho, Alexandra will just choose literally anyone else) and he is forced to pack all his pastel shirts into his pastel bags and depart the villa for good.

That is exactly what going to happen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

*not an official title for all of Alex’s little chats with his pals


Love Island