It was 1999 when this iconic music video made its way into our lives.
Even though I was an actual child at the time, I remember thinking that the video was utterly batshit. I’d watched cartoons about an animal that was half-cat half-dog – I knew the world was a strange place. But I also knew that anthropomorphic milk cartons weren’t commonplace in this godforsaken world.
I had so many questions at the time that I simply bottled up and decided to set aside for another day. Well, that day has come. Now I’d like to put my highly-anticipated feelings out into the public sphere in the hopes of getting some answers.
Question 1: Why didn’t an actual dancing milk carton cheer up the grieving family?
Because if that doesn’t, then frankly nothing else will.
Fair enough, their son appears to have gone missing and they’re worried sick, using every bit of strength they have left to will his safe return home, but Jesus fucking Christ, open your eyes folks: a milk carton has just sprouted arms, legs and a face, and is using those new appendages to try and cheer you up.
Have some respect and try to muster some sort of a smile to show your appreciation. His name is Milky. You simply cannot think of a more charming name for a milk carton.
The Dad couldn’t even eat his toast, that’s how grief-stricken the man was. Personally, I can’t think of a more suitable audience for the healing properties of a dancing milk carton, yet those ungrateful punks ignored the dairy dancer and continued to be sad.
That’s not what their missing son would’ve wanted, not for one second. No wonder Milky fucked off as well. They didn’t deserve him either. There, I said it.
Question 2: Why was nobody alarmed by the anthropomorphic milk carton?
After Milky departed those ungrateful sods, he went on a little adventure for himself and he was dead right to. If they couldn’t handle him at his best, they sure as hell didn’t deserve him at his slightly off-kilter.
Luckily, he had the self-belief to know that his dancing wasn’t the issue, it was them. So off he went on a journey of self-discovery, bumping into countless unsuspecting members of the public. A lady using a grass strimmer, rather than calling her doctor about blatant hallucinations, ushered Milky to a safe distance away from the blades.
A guy riding a motorcycle almost ran over Milky, but stopped just in time to give him a lift into town – standard. Milky didn’t have a helmet or a seatbelt, but what he did have was hope. Hope for humanity based on these wonderful experiences.
He got directions from a few kind passers-by and was briefly alarmed by the sight of a man consuming a carton of milk. But literally nobody was in any way concerned that a container of cow juice had come to life.
This is a society that tries to view their own Facebook profile pictures through someone else’s eyes when they get a friend request, but a sentient carton of milk? No cause for concern here.
Question 3: How would the two milk cartons have had sex?
Apologies for the vulgarity in this one, but as I stated earlier, I have a lot of questions that need to be answered. How on earth could these two cartons perform coitus?
Fair enough, I know that the strawberry milk carton gets squashed by a human foot moments after Milky meets and develops a massive horn for her, but cast your mind into a dangerous territory where things actually worked out between the pair of them.
They go on three dates, it’s the night of the third date and Milky’s dropping the strawberry milk carton home. They kiss and she invites him in for a drink (even though they are both beverages, lol). They make their way to the sofa, chat for a bit and then… then… WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS?
Do they open their lids and mix their fluids? Does Milky even have a little dairy penis? Does it look like a milk bottle sweet? It’s been eight years since the video was released, please can someone answer me?
Question 4: Why did he have to be a fan of Blur?
There’s nothing wrong with liking Blur, they’re an exceptional band. But isn’t it a bit predictable that the anthropomorphic carton of milk in a Blur video stumbles across a band he really likes and it turns out to be Blur?
Surely it would’ve been a real curveball if Milky had happened upon a busking duo from Edinburgh bragging about their ability to put one foot in front of the other (The Proclaimers) and ended up becoming a groupie and inspiring their second song, ‘Our Pal Milky’.
Or why couldn’t Milky set up his own band with some other dairy produce? Yoghurt on drums, butter on bass, cheese on toast. They could’ve toured the world, performed a duet with Sting, had their own glow-in-the-dark promotional t-shirts designed.
Milky’s success was limited by the video producer’s lack of imagination and he owes a massive apology to that adorable milk carton, one that’s long overdue yet will do little in the way of making up for his unreached potential.
Question 5: Literally, how the fuck would the smell of a carton of milk convince you to return home after running away?
It becomes clear that Graham Coxon has run away from his loving family of actors that weren’t good enough for actual TV to pursue his dreams of being in Blur.
He’s having a cheeky practice with the lads, grateful that Damon Albarn has taken a quick break from the vocals on this particular track and allowed him to flourish, when a peeping Tom (in the form of a milk carton) falls through the window.
Not perturbed enough to stop the rest of the band playing, our Graham comes to Milky’s aid, and as is common practice when you apprehend a peeping Tom, touches him a bit and then sniffs his hand.
The smell appears to remind him of home, which convinces him to return to his grumpy looking family via shuttle bus. How will the band survive without him? They need your vocals for literally just that one song you’re allowed to sing, Graham. Think of the band, you selfish prick.
Question 6: How did Graham Coxon not die after drinking a carton of milk that hadn’t been refrigerated?
Not to be pedantic, but Graham happened upon a carton of milk and didn’t think twice about opening and consuming said carton of milk. He didn’t spare a moment to determine the origins of Milky, whether he had been pasteurised and homogenised, refrigerated or even passed basic quality assurance tests.
Graham was acting like a madman and deserved the consequences of his haphazard actions.
Did he die shortly after drinking Milky? It’s very likely, but that wasn’t included in the music video. Instead, they decided to follow Milky’s ascension into Heaven, as if he was the one that most likely died in this situation.
Get a grip.
Graham drank unrefrigerated milk and would’ve likely spent the evening on the toilet, back in his familial home. “Welcome home son, we missed you so much. Thank you for befouling our lavatory upon your return.”
Question 7: Every time Graham Coxon drinks milk, does a carton of milk get its wings?
No real way of proving this hypothesis here, just a quirky little observation I’m offering up.
It’s tenuous, but shortly after Graham consumed Milky, he ascended into Heaven and was seated at the right hand of the Father. It’s not an enormous stretch to believe that every time Graham Coxon consumes a carton of the old cow juice, it procures a space in Heaven for the milk carton.
A second issue I’d like to raise here: did Milky and the strawberry milk carton eventually bone in Heaven?
They both got their wings at the same time at the end of the music video, so I’m left with that one standing question: Did. They. Bone?
A follow-up question: if they did bone, HOW? HOW DO TWO MILK CARTONS PERFORM COITUS?
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