How many times can one man burn his hands in the exact same place?
Last night, five new hopefuls made their way into the Celebrity MasterChef kitchen.
John Partridge, Spencer Matthews, Frankie Bridge, Jean Johansson and Anita Harris did their utmost to prove that celebrities are just like you and I – they too cannot cook for shite.
It was a rousing episode, filled with injuries, upset, savagery from the judges and the implication that the outcome of a reality television show competition actually matters in the grand scheme of things.
Anyway, here’s 9 somewhat amusing moments worth revisiting, depending on your sense of humour.
1. John revealed that he once cooked shepherd’s pie FOR THE REAL LIFE BILLY ELLIOT!
BILLY ELLIOT! The ballet dancer, Billy Elliot ate shepherd’s pie made by Christian off EastEnders. Imagine the discourse:
“Pass the potatoes please, John”
“But Billy, there’s already potatoes in the pie?”
“Oh, haha. Right you are. Classic me, Billy Elliot”
[END SCENE]
2. Anita responded to criticism of her first dish like the Carry On legend that she is
John and Gregg weren’t hugely impressed with Anita’s first offering, where she put lamb with mashed potato and added a concoction of ginger, peppers, onions and basically everything she could get her hands on. Rather than taking the judges’ dissatisfaction on the chin, Anita took a solemn moment upon the green room couch to reflect on her shortcomings. As a Carry On cast member, the phrase “Oh boy, I really must do better” was the only suitable thing for her to say.
3. One of the professional chefs tried to summon satan
Looks like an innocuous plate design for some fancy food to rest upon, right? Wrong. One of the professional chefs used a sophisticated technique to summon satan. The door to the occult has been opened now, on Celebrity MasterChef of all places. It’s unclear what form this demon will take, or if they will haunt the show at all. All we know for now is that Gemma Collins’ Celebrity MasterChef debut is getting closer each day. Perhaps that is merely a coincidence? Only time will tell.
4. Spencer handled his meat under the careful supervision of his mentor
Get your mind out of the gutter, it was for a shish kebab!
5. The professional chefs all wore headsets so they could listen to Baby Shark on repeat
Presumably, but we can never truly be sure. Put yourself in the chefs’ comfortable shoes for a moment. They’re in a high intensity environment, they’re sweating beyond any reasonable level of sanity and they need something to keep themselves calm under pressure. Enter the Baby Shark song on repeat for the entirety of the restaurant’s opening hours. It’s an unconventional way to keep yourself composed, but it’s clearly an effective one.
6. Spencer burned his hands on the kebab rods 4,000 times and it never ceased to be funny
Every single time he touched the rods, it was as if his memory had been erased from the last time he severely burned his hands on them mere moments ago. It was a terrific insight into the human psyche whereby we are all doomed to fail due to our inability to learn from our mistakes, no matter how unpleasant the outcomes are. As a species, humanity will never truly progress until we can adapt and overcome adversity, but also figure out why the conditioner has to be used after the shampoo.
7. Jean Johansson cooked a human skull for the judges
We never found out whose skull was sacrificed to complete this wholesome dish, but Jean indulged in her cannibalistic tendencies to impress the judges, and impress it most certainly did. She boiled that sucker flesh and all for 30 minutes, added a meagre sprinkling of salt and the contestants and judges alike tucked into what they described as a meal that was “head and shoulders, but mainly heads above the rest”.
8. Gregg Wallace dropped the most fire line of the series
“A neater Anita”!!!! It’s poetry. With the delivery of this impeccable phrase, Gregg has now been inducted into the British Rap Artist Hall Of Fame. He will receive a prize that consists of a pair of Nike Air Max, a beanie hat and a jar of marmalade for sustenance. Congratulations to future Mercury Prize nominee Mr. Wallace, a man whose talents evidently know no bounds.
9. Spencer made all this food in an hour and has therefore revealed himself to be a wizard
The former Made In Chelsea star accidentally revealed himself to be a wizard and/or the latest recipient of Bernard’s Watch because that is a truly unattainable output after sixty minutes. An entire load of bread! Mussels! Fish! Rice! Some kind of sauce! This is witchcraft, plain and simple. He must now be removed from the competition as Celebrity MasterChef has a strict No Wizard policy in place. Nice try, Matthews.
Images via BBC
