Forget the singing, this is where the real magic lies.
The best part of Eurovision is when the technologically ambitious feat of broadcasting live audio and video from 42 different countries takes place.
It rarely runs smoothly, meaning we get to see the full extent of the weird cultural differences that are lurking around Europe and there’s always a guaranteed minimum of one disastrous loss of contact.
But what witty shtick will the appointed nations’ presenters have prepared for us this year?
I’m willing to hazard a guess that it’ll be something like the following…
1. Some heavy flirting is going to take place
Every year they manage to find the horniest hosts in existence, allowing their burning loins to infiltrate the sanctity of Eurovision and all that it stands for. You’ll see their eyes dilate as a good looking presenter appears on screen to deliver the results. The risk of looking like an absolute clown in front of 180 million viewers isn’t enough to deter them from trying their chances with their intended target. Everyone will die from a cringe overload. RIP Europe.
2. There will be technical difficulties
“Good…Good…GOOD EVENING LISBON” is going to ring out several times from each country as the voting results are delivered. The hosts will talk, but the delay means that the presenters hear them right as they’re about to speak, meaning they’re all stuck in a never-ending loop of delayed communication. Eurovision 2018 won’t finish until after midnight and we’re all going to fall asleep before the winner is announced. Classic.
3. The hosts will cut a presenter’s chronic banter short, insisting that they get on with the results
As much as everyone wants to come across as being adorable and charming on the telly, the Portuguese hosts are going to have to put on their sternest tone to hurry along the presenters that try to milk their five minutes of fame. It’s going to be uncomfortable as Agneta from Germany is forcefully instructed to deliver her nation’s votes for the third time because she keeps getting sidetracked by complimenting the wonderful show that Portugal has put on for everyone.
4. Several countries will give 12 points to their neighbours
This is such a guaranteed occurrence I almost didn’t include it, but I’m lazy, so I have. Spain are going to give Portugal 12 points and vice versa and etcetera, all because of politics. Yer Da will kick off, launching into a wordy tirade about how the Eurovision isn’t worth watching anymore since countries are just block voting for each other, it will be the exact same speech he gave last year and every single year he’s watched it since the competition began. Nobody can escape it. This is simply the way things are.
5. The hosts will try their hardest not to laugh at a wacky European presenter’s outfit choice
Someone is going to look ridiculous and my money is on the Icelandic presenter. The hosts will stifle their laughter, but their disrespect will still be extremely noticeable. These mainland Europeans are a different breed, they eat weird food and have strange names. It’s a different world over there. We’re allowed to make fun of them on Twitter because that is our God-given right, but how dare those hosts laugh at the presenters. That’s our job. Arseholes.
6. The Australian presenter will heavily stress that it’s morning time there
“G’day from Australia, where it’s the morning time. It is nighttime in Lisbon right now, but over here in Australia, we are a different continent entirely and hence it is the morning”. They might even yawn for comic effect, at which point you’ll be able to audibly hear the entirety of Europe scoffing ‘YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN BE IN THIS COMPETITION’. Israel will join in, keeping a low profile simply because they fear that they too will be found out to be imposters. Australia, we get it, you’re far away.
7. One of the presenters will give an unnecessarily detailed explanation of their country’s Eurovision past wins
Listen, Sweden, nobody cares that you’ve won the Eurovision almost as many times as Ireland. We don’t need to hear about how the history of Eurovision has given your country something to be proud of, a reason to celebrate its success and a deeper meaning than ever before. All we want to know is which of your neighbours you’ve decided to give 12 points to long before hearing any of the songs being performed. Deliver your blatant political alliances in a timely manner and be on your merry little way, thank you.
8. The performers’ reactions to receiving 12 points will become increasingly lacklustre as the votes come through
Once the winner becomes clear, it’s going to get pretty laborious for them to look incomprehensibly excited every time they’re given 12 points. The smiles will fade, the tears of joy will dry, the ecstatic flag waving will wane. By the end of the voting announcements, the winners will be so exhausted they won’t even realise what’s happened. Can we blame them? We’ve put them on a stage and asked them to perform. The follow-up is inhumane. Release these animals before they suffer any longer.
