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30th May 2018

21 things that are guaranteed to happen on this year’s Love Island

Approximately three weeks in, the producers will run out of task ideas and start winging it. The 'Everyone Clean The House' task will be a low point.

Ciara Knight

Five days to go!

We’re just 105 short hours away from the launch of Love Island 2018.

We’ve met the contestants, predicted their personalities and taken the appropriate amount of time to mourn last year’s stellar cast.

It’s hard to believe that by this time next week, we’re already going to have a favourite, a villain and perhaps even someone to senselessly lust after. What a time to be alive!

But what’s in store for us this year? I’ve got a hunch.

1. Someone is going to repeatedly describe themselves as Marmite, despite blatantly craving the approval and adoration of everyone they’ve ever met.

2. The new islanders are going to try to use the old islanders’ terminologies and it’s going to feel and sound very wrong.

3. Red top newspapers are going to dig up irrelevant old stories about the islanders, such as how one of them recycles their milk cartons incorrectly.

4. An unexpected international celebrity fan of Love Island will become heavily invested in the show.

5. They will snack incessantly on the strangest of food items.

6. A bromance will occur, but it won’t be a patch on Chris and Kem. Still, we will enjoy and embrace it.

7. It will emerge that one of the islanders has been “linked” to a minor celebrity in the past, perhaps a Geordie Shore or one of The Proclaimers.

8. One of the guys is going to have really large nipples and will instantly become a worldwide meme sensation.

9. There will be a couple whose names link perfectly, e.g. Charlie and Odie: Chodie.

10. There will be a large amount of unfounded animosity between the original islanders and any new arrivals for the first day or two.

11. Someone is going to incur an injury during one of the tasks and they will be exempt from any physical activity for the duration of the show.

12. One of the islanders will ruin the “GOT A TEEEEEEXT” announcement by saying “I have received a message” or something equally tragic.

13. A new word will emerge from this year’s series. Perhaps it will be “Flumpty” or “Thrice”.

14. Approximately three weeks in, the producers will run out of task ideas and start winging it. The ‘Everyone Clean The House’ task will be a low point.

15. One of the islanders is going to be really quiet. Like unnaturally quiet. We will never hear their voice, except when they receive a text.

16. Someone is going to be permanently sunburnt, as a dangerous but touching tribute to Craig from last year.

17. One of the couples is going to fail at having quiet sex and the rest of the housemates will giggle for the entire time they go at it, then go at it themselves afterwards.

18. Someone will have a bizarre exercise regime that everyone else joins in on, making the show an absolute treasure trove for shitty meme accounts that rely on facial expressions for content.

19. The producers are STILL going to put weak puns as hashtags in the text messages, despite hashtags in text messages being an utterly defunct idea.

20. It’s going to rain at some point and the villa will flood. The islanders will assemble, two by two, in a nearby ark and sail away to safety. 

21. Instead of rapping, yodelling is going to be a large feature among this year’s islanders. Walmart Yodel Kid will make an appearance at the rap party, then record a track with the winning couple.