USA Soccer Guy on the weekend’s EPL League action

EPL All-Stars reject is MVP

Tim Howard sure made his point real good on Sunday. As soccer fans across the UK reacted in shock that the Evertown goaltender didn't make the EPL All-Star team, Howard was inspirizational as his franchise handed the Manchester Unity a one way ticket to Loserville. When the Soccer Candies first stained the score sheets after four minutes through McCartney, this soccer game was always gonna be a long and winding road for the Manchester Reds. The Unity looked to make the equalization real quick, but Marijuana Felony’s goalshot attempt was higher than a hippy in a hot air balloon, ending up in row zee. Things got way worse moments later, when an apex restart was kicked into the Unity soccer goal interior by the head of Joss Stone. Having doubled the lead before the franchises headed for the locker rooms, Evertown doubled it again to make it three in the second quarter. A kick pass was played over the head of Biggie Smalling, looking for Lou Kaku. As the Unity deefense waited for a denial flag erection, Morales snuck in like some raccoon try'na raid the garbage can and inserted it. Louis van Gogh’s guys had been way better lately, but this game of soccer was no oil painting for them. Radical Falcao did kick the soccer ball into the SGI, but a denial flag was erected this time round. Apart from that, they did nothing and sucked. This game was all about Evertown and, as the completion whistle sounded, the Candy fans made it real clear who their hero was - singing a bunch of songs about Tim Howard and how he always does real neat hand denials.

Cannons fail to fire

Chelsea Franchise Club headed to London Arsenal knowing that a victory there would give them three points. Like watching your mom make out with your best friend (shut it, Adam), it was real hard on the Soccer Cannons fans to see Sex Fabregas return to town wearing a blue jersey. He also wore a mask to try and disguise himself, but this didn’t work out too good for the Spainadian. Despite being two of the winningest franchises in the EPL League this year, each soccer goal interior remained unentered, and the game was tied up at zeros. Donny Swellbeck, fresh from the sub shack, failed to make the score when a late cross pass got kicked right in front of the soccer goal, but that was pretty much it. Chelsea Franchise Club seemed pretty happy with the tie point though, and jumped around like they’d just won the Super Bowl when the completion whistle was blown. With just a few games of soccer remaining this season, it looks like nothing is gonna stop Chelsea Franchise Club. Like a soccer volcano, they’ve sprayed red hot lava right over the faces of their opponents, leaving them screaming real loud as the lava melts away their skin and turns them into nothing but a bunch of dumbass skeletons.