JOE’s Transfer Digest – Man City pay £65m for that lad down the street who can do an “Around the World”

Welcome to JOE's Transfer Digest, a place to read the latest transfer speculation from the heady world of association football.

Today's edition comes at a time when the transfer window is starting to simmer nicely, before it eventually comes to a boil and scalds each of us horribly.

Man City pay £65m for that lad down the street who can do an "Around the World"

In a move described as one of the most exciting of the transfer window to date, Manchester City today confirmed the £65 million transfer of that lad who lives down the street from you who's able to an "Around the World". The deal, which has long been rumoured, will see the fella who lives about six doors down from you earn approximately £250,000-per-week at the Etihad, an investment Man City officials believe is money well spent. "This may seem like a lot of money, but he's worth every penny. He's the only kid on your street who can an 'Around the World' and he taught himself how to do it! That's not to mention how close he has come to doing the 'Maradona Seven' on several occasions," said one member of City's coaching staff today, adding that the child can also apparently chip the ball up and control it on the back of his neck, without the ball falling or anything. "He can also back flick it without even looking, we're excited to have him on board."

Every living player flattered

Describing it as a great honour for their names to even be mentioned in the same breath as such a club, every single living footballer in the world today said that they were flattered to be linked with Manchester United. The 200 million existing male professional footballers spoke today about their pride at speculation suggesting they might move to the Premier League side, though they refused to state bluntly that they would force a transfer. "It is an honour," said the millions of footballers simultaneously in a speech that shook the very ground they stood on. "Manchester United is a club with great history, and one that wants to return to the top of world football. It is special for any player to be linked with such an amazing team." While the players are reportedly keen to join up with Jose Mourinho's squad, it remains to be seen if the Portuguese coach will be able to free up almost a quarter of a billion places in his squad.

Everton not pretty enough for Giroud

Everton's pursuit of Olivier Giroud has been cast into doubt today after the Arsenal forward claimed that the Toffees are not pretty enough for him. The Frenchman has been consistently linked with a transfer to the newly-flush side, who have invested heavily in their squad this summer, but speaking today, he flatly refused to join on the grounds that he "simply cannot be around such levels of ugliness". "I am a beautiful man, I'm sure you can tell. And I have grown accustomed to being surrounded by beauty, wherever I go. At Arsenal, I had Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Hector Bellerin and Alexis Sanchez. The thought of swapping that for Wayne Rooney and Davy Klaassen simply makes me sick. So no, I shall not be joining Everton," he said.