JOE’s Transfer Digest – David Moyes to sign Steven Pienaar “just to hang around with”

Welcome to JOE's Transfer Digest, where sport and truth coalesce into something more beautiful than the offspring of the aurora borealis and the Great Barrier Reef.

The club football season remains dormant, as players and coaches alike marinate in their juices on beaches across the world, preparing themselves for the main course that is next season.

Moyes just wants a friend

Our breaking news today comes from the home of manager David Moyes, who sources say is on the verge of signing South African midfielder Steven Pienaar "just to hang around with". Pienaar, who has played under Moyes at both Everton and Sunderland, is currently without a club and is said to be open to "any and all offers". According to those with knowledge of the deal, Moyes will offer Pienaar up to £55,000-per-week to carry out a number of tasks including watching movies with him, kicking around the ball, enjoying snacks together and "doing manly stuff" like painting and wrestling. "Though he is currently out of football, David wants to remain active and above all have a friend. He and Steven go way back and David feels Steven is the ideal man to laugh at his jokes and tell him he's cool," said an unnamed source this morning.

Morata deal hinges on Ronaldo

Media outlets across Europe report today that Alvaro Morata is tantalisingly close to signing a deal with Manchester United, though former Red Devils star Cristiano Ronaldo could hold up the transfer. Officials at the Santiago Bernabeu state that while almost all details of Morata's transfer to Old Trafford are complete, the deal is contingent upon Ronaldo being allowed to hold up the Spaniard's jersey at the presentation ceremony. Speaking last night, club president Florentino Perez revealed that while the Portuguese striker's request is unusual, he and the club would do all they can to accommodate him. "We were a little surprised to hear Ronaldo's request, certainly. We were curious as to why he would want this. However, we are coming around to it. Cristiano has had less attention than usual recently and he just wants to be centre-stage, which is something all of us feel at times," said Perez.

Walcott urges patience

With rumours abounding over his future at the club, Arsenal forward Theo Walcott today urged fans to be patient with him and insisted that he will reach his potential before the age of 40. Both Walcott and teammate Olivier Giroud have been linked with moves away from the Emirates - West Ham being the most recent interested party - but the England international believes he can still come good as long as he is given time to reach early middle age. "I empathise with the fans' apprehension. I'd be frustrated too if I were them. But they must realise that success isn't instant in football," said Walcott, who has been at Arsenal for more than a decade. "I know I will come good. It might not be today or tomorrow but by the time I'm 40 I sincerely believe I will have fulfilled my potential and proved everyone wrong."

And finally...

Tottenham Hotspur are said to be increasingly keen on acquiring Barcelona teenager Carles Alena, whom we have definitely heard about. The human male, who is not yet fully grown, has two arms, legs and feet, which many at the Camp Nou says he uses to move at varying speeds. For further inquiries on this professional football player, just drop us a line.