In case you didn’t know, Peter Crouch is tall
We recently sat down with football icon and the lanky man’s icon, Peter Crouch, to discuss stupid questions that others ask tall people. As predicted, he was brilliant and he gave the kind of answers we were hoping for.
Also, we’re classing it as a bonus that he didn’t tell us to piss off for making him answer for the umpteenth time. You’re a good sport, Crouchy. Here’s a little teaser:
— FootballJOE (@FootballJOE) July 5, 2021
Thinking up questions wasn’t exactly a tall order (sorry) – we’ve heard all the classics down the years – but it’s rare you get this level of insight from a Premier League player turned pundit. That being said, we thought we’d pick out some of the best bits for you to get a taste of it. It starts off pretty simple:
How tall are you?
I am six foot seven – probably am a bit more but six foot seven just sounds a bit more normal. I get asked that on a daily basis two or three times a day. I become used to it: it’s not annoying anymore, it’s just part of my day.
The genuine question will be ‘how tall are you?’, I’ll go ‘six-foot seven’ and then they’ll say a joke, usually along the lines of ‘you should play basketball‘ or ‘ooo, that’s tall!’, as if I didn’t know. Especially when I went to America – quite a few times I’ve been – and I get asked that all the time: ‘you play ball?’ – no.
What’s the weather like up there?
Yeah that’s an old favourite… No different.
Are your clothes specially made?
Now this is a reasonably interesting question. There are jeans that do fit me but they come like unfinished, so I think you’re supposed to turn them up but I don’t, but yeah: there’s a couple of brands out there now catering for the taller man. What they used to do was cater for the taller, really fat man but now they cater for tall men that are slim, so it’s nice.
How big are your feet?
Well, I say 12 again to be ‘normal’ but they’re 30… Nah, d’ya know what, shoes are alright I think when you’re on the cusp of 12 and 13, sort of in between that; when you go into the realms of 14 you are struggling.
Have you got enough legroom?
Well legroom is an issue but not too much of an issue really, I’ve just grown up with being able to fold myself into places. So like football grounds, if I go to Loftus Road for instance, I know how to sit in a way where I can fold my legs behind; it’s hard to get up afterwards but you know, in general, leg room is built for smaller people, unfortunately — and doors, they’re a problem.
Do you hit your head on door frames?
Never, I never hit my head on door frame. Generally, I am bigger than most standard doors which are bout six-six and I’m above that but even if a door is 20 foot, it’s a natural thing for me to duck so I don’t hit my head on anything.
What’s it like being so tall?
It’s all I’ve ever known. I’m not one of those people who just shot up from nowhere, you know, I was always like a head above everyone else at school; I was always the tallest, always had nicknames for being tall and things just never changed. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My pals still call me ‘Taller’ and that’s just my name – all my schoolmates still call me that. There’s been loads over the years but when you start to being able to give it back people often stop calling you stuff.
Why are you walking so fast?
Do people say ‘why are you walking so fast?’ I don’t think a anyone’s ever called me fast!
What did your mum feed you as a child?
Yeah, I get this a lot and I try and give as positive answer: I ate my greens and I ate fruit and I ate things that make you grow, so eat your green kids.
What are the best and worst things about being tall?
The best thing about being tall is being noticed I think. There’s nothing worse than being in ther background: I’ve got a mate that’s called ‘Background Boy’ and he just is in the background – no one even knows if he’s out or not. At least when you’re tall you’ve got a bit of presence and like I say, I wouldn’t change it.
There’s a few gags at festivals: people wanting to get on your shoulders, also there is a few issues with things like cinemas; if I take my kids to the cinema – I remember going to a show in the West End – and sitting in front of kids. You know how you get your allocated seat and then there’s like a four-year-old behind me and I sit there going ‘right this is gonna be great’ and you can just hear them crying behind me.
I feel for them but what can I do? I always try and get as low as I can but, yeah, a complete waste of money for them!
Did players ever mock your height in games?
Yeah, I remember on the pitch – certainly in the early days when people didn’t know who I was – defenders and people used to try and wind me up. The old one they used to was come and run right underneath me and look up as if I was like up in the sky – that one used to wind me up to be fair because it’s was just so bad.
You can watch the interview down below and find out what FAQs you shouldn’t put to someone tall, unless they’re your mates of course – we’re allowed to take the mick out a bud every now and again. Just please call them something so unassumingly brutal as ‘Background Boy’.