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28th Sep 2019

An incomplete list of things Kevin De Bruyne could assist

Kyle Picknell

Kevin De Bruyne has reminded everyone, once again, that he can pass a football like nobody else

If you’re one of the few people in the world who doesn’t appreciate the neverending fantasy that is Kevin De Bruyne passing a football then I can’t help you.

Just take a look at this. It’s complete mastery of time, space, pressure, weight, angles, vision… everything.

And it isn’t, of course, the first time he has done something like this. He is a repeat offender. A man who could pass a football through the holes in a cheese grater.

In celebration of that, here is an incomplete list of the things Kevin De Bruyne could assist.

1. Goals (obviously)

2. Brexit negotiations

3. A beautiful funeral service for a loved one

4. The completion of George R. R. Martin’s final Game of Thrones novel

5. Your misguided university dissertation on the works of Samuel Beckett

6. The actual, successful killing of John Wick

7. An eventual resolution to several of the world’s ongoing international conflicts

8. Donald Trump’s magic wall to keep out immigrants (although he would refuse to assist with this as a matter of principle)

9. More goals

10. The zipping up of Arsene Wenger’s giant Arsenal coat

11. A genuinely good, successful movie adaptation of a video game. Possibly Portal, maybe Metal Gear Solid

12. The universal respect and appreciation of ginger people

13.  The return of the original Sugababes

14. The sorry, sorry state of your Hinge profile

15. A total reversal of climate change

16. A good episode of The Big Bang Theory

17. Another Frank Ocean album

18. Thomas Cook

19. Graeme Souness’s anger management classes

20. Educating Wayne Hennessey on the atrocities of World War 2

21. The building and erection of an Ikea chest of drawers

22. Even more goals

23. The capture of Chansey in the Safari Zone

24. Adding things to this stupid list

25. Actually making you read that copy of Don Quixote you bought for some reason from Waterstones with absolutely no intention of reading

26. That one hair that always sticks up and makes you look like the Haribo kid no matter how many times you brush it flat

27. The resurrection of the career of Paul McCartney

28. The proper implementation of VAR

29. Lewis Grabban’s facial hair

30. Your failing relationship

31. Your tax returns

32. Your entry into the office ‘Bake Off’ competition

33. Your inherent desire to drink several pints on a weeknight

34. You

35. The locating of Big Foot

36. The return of Pluto to full ‘planet’ status

37. The prevention of the 2008 global recession

38. Your woeful Fantasy Football team

39. The locating of your keys and wallet when you’re rushing to work in the morning

40. Manchester City’s PR team in light of the Bernardo Silva controversy

41. The gradual reduction in the amount of times Pep Guardiola says ‘Guys’ in any given team talk

42. Repairing the feisty relationship between Frank Lampard and the entire city of Leeds

43. Phil Jones. I’m not sure in what capacity, I just think he could help. He clearly misses Chris Smalling

44. Getting that dog you like the look of to come over and rub against your leg

45. Completing Minesweeper

46. Belatedly nationalising the railways

47. The really strange small-talk interactions you have when you bump into people you only kind of know on public transport

48. Getting served whilst stood at the bar amongst lots of attractive women and burly men who have folded their £20 pound notes in half

49. The total eradication of mayonnaise from everything

50. Liverpool once again failing to win the Premier League