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25th Jun 2021

You can now buy a fart vacuum that sucks up gas before it smells

Kieran Galpin

Better out than in

Are you losing friends because you can’t just hold it in? Have you had to leave social events from fear of following through? Perhaps you enjoy spicy foods a little too much. Well, don’t fear anymore, we have the perfect product for you!

We all have that one person in our lives that makes us wonder just what died in their gut. However, in all its sublime usefulness, science has come up with a brand new invention to relieve those around you of immediate disgust. The Fartvac, yes, that’s the real name, seems like something Gweneth Paltrow would sell alongside her Vagina scented candles.

Its website is incredibly professional given that its business is based around farts. Their website reads as follows:

“Fartvac removes the fart gas under your clothing and filters it with activated carbon technology. Typically, farts are trapped by our clothing and don’t escape the fibers for about 5 seconds. This is the time when Fartvac can remove and filter them.

“NASA uses activated carbon for odor and impurification filtration, so we know the technology is sound. That said, there is no gaurantee that Fartvac will remove all the smell from your horrible gas. If people complain of your odor despite your use of the Fartvac, we recommend a higher-fiber diet and an avoidance of meat and dairy.”

Strangely, they answered whether their product could help with following through.

“It is a critical life lesson to know when you cannot trust a fart, we’re sorry you had to learn it the hard way. Fartvac only filters gas farts, we cannot help filter the smell from poop in your pants in any way. You need a new pair of underwear, pants, and a good shower.”

Pick up your very own fart vacuum straight from their website for the staggering price of £9.99.