
Share
23rd December 2021
04:29pm GMT

Coming in at £90, 12 Days of Play better be worth the coin/Via Love Honey and iStock[/caption]
Some adults may turn to ASOS Grooming Calendar for £40 which includes everything from face masks to shaving cream. Others could opt for Amazon's 12 Days of Chilli’s if they can stomach the fire, and for the boozy bros out there then there's the Craft Beer Advent Calendar from Brewdog.
But there was only one I had in my sight.
You see while juggling the complexities of Christmas, Covid, having a full-time job, and keeping up to date on TikTok- who has the time for casual sex, let alone dating? Not me.
So, in order to add some spice to my life - I turned to an advent calendar stuffed full of sex toys.
Love Honey’s 12 Days of Play is billed as a “fun and frisky” experience, with X-rated goodies like the Hot Shot masturbator and what I can only call a Cowboy bolo-tie. It looked like I would be happily holed up in my room for the entire festive season.
But pleasure doesn’t come cheap. Unlike its chocolate counterparts which are priced at anything from £3.99, this comes in at £90. So is it worth sacrificing grandma’s present to purchase? In the name of good journalism, I sought out the answers.
Featured: P-Spot massager, Butt plug, Triple cock ring set, pleasure cards/Via Love Honey and iStock[/caption]
Within hours my family thought I was doing DIY in my room, which, if you know me, is a ridiculous notion. My parents, in particular, have walked in while just saying knock knock, and there’s only so many times you can say your phone is ringing beneath the covers before eyebrows are raised.
Shocker- the gig was up by day three.
I was by no means hiding my precious calendar, but I also wasn’t doing my best Town Crier impression and announcing why I kept retreating to my room for some ‘alone time’.
My parents have continuously operated on a “what we don’t know can’t hurt us” platform. This year’s Advent choice would be another unspoken truth to be tidied away with that time I locked my phone after trying to access Pornhub at school.
The only direct comment came from mum, who snarkily noted: “Please don’t take all my batteries.”
But jokes on her, they are all rechargeable.
Featured: Beaded stroker, pleasure cards, clear textured stroker/Via Love Honey and iStock[/caption]
“How many cock rings does one person need,” asked one friend, following an image of day five’s prezzie.
Come day six I felt like a Big Brother contestant sobbing in the Diary Room, for in the immortal words of Gemma Collins: “It’s like having a job, working 24/7 for [six] days on the trot.”
Featured: Bullet vibrator, latex anal beads, vibrating cock ring/Via Love Honey and iStock[/caption]
The lead-up to the final act had been enjoyable for sure, but it wasn’t until day nine that I really felt (and I mean felt) the Calendar’s value for money.
The Latex Anal Beads combined with the bodacious ibuprofen from day 1 is really only comparable to when the US joined the allied forces in World War 2.
That’s right; I just compared butt stuff to one of the most important historical moments of the 20th century.
Featured: Hot Shot masturbator/Via Love Honey and iStock[/caption]
So I decided to field test it for scientific purposes, obviously.
Talking of Grindr once more, I came across Chris (*not his real name), who I believe works in hospitality. I didn’t lie, nor did I pretend the encounter would lead to brunch dates and a doggo called Scruff. As expected, Chris jumped at the chance.
But still, the start was a little rocky as neither of us was used to so many things between the sheets. But after some breathing room and some rather intense eye contact, the endeavour proved explosive, to say the least.
In a true Mr Darcy moment, Chris even offered to clean up the toys and put them back in my bag while I was in the toilet. Now I am writing it down I realise he was just trying to get me out of the house as quickly as possible.
While my time with Chris was fun, this experience has only magnified one hard truth. Sex by yourself can be just as, if not more rewarding than sex with another. Sure, there’s no human contact, but that’s kinda the point.
I hear you, serial monogamists, shaking your head at the fact I would rather get jiggy with a robot than a human, but it’s 2021 so why deal with humans if you don’t have to?
Christmas is an undeniably horny time of the year, and yet, a holiday so entrenched in human connection that it leaves you numb when faced with other human beings. Well, I have just solved that and will continue to solve the issue until my wardrobe bursts open and my selection of sex toys floods the floor.
So while Christmas is largely a family-friends holiday, let's not pretend for one second that we aren't all stuffing our stockings and shimmying down chimneys at every available opportunity.
Explore more on these topics: