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26th Oct 2018

Analysing every harrowing element of Justin Bieber eating a burrito incorrectly

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL JUST BITES STRAIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE LIKE THAT???

Ciara Knight

American Horror Story: Bieburrito

It is with a heavy heart I must inform you that Justin Bieber is at it again.

The above self-explanatory image has gone viral, depicting Justin Bieber making utter shite of eating a burrito.

Although some hardcore Beliebers have denied that it’s actually him in the image, it looks far too similar to be a coincidence. Ergo, it him. It most definitely him.

If we’re being honest with ourselves, the incorrect burrito eating procedure isn’t the only issue with the scene pictured above. A lot has gone wrong and it is my goddamn duty to get to the bottom of it.

*to the tune of ‘Let’s Dance’ by David Bowie* Let’s delve.

Issue #1: Bieber has started eating the burrito FROM THE MIDDLE

Not the top, not the bottom (which in fairness is interchangeable), but the middle. Justin Bieber eats his burritos from the middle. Given that this being a blatant cry for help, we need to work out how you even find yourself at a stage in your life where the middle of any food seems like a good place to start. The kid is having some sort of crisis, perhaps his crayons are all blunt, or the Dora The Explorer omnibus hasn’t come on TV as was advertised. This is a full scale meltdown and far from the actions of a sane man.

He’s got both hands doing overtime just to support the inevitable displaced burrito matter. A burrito, in ideal circumstances, requires just one hand to eat it. The other alternates between resting upon the handlebars of your fixie bike and twiddling your moustache edges into a perfect curl. Not only is Bieber making a thorough mockery of burrito consumption, he’s also overexerting himself in the process. Get a clue, Justin. Just get a goddamn clue you heathen.

Issue #2: The foil wrapper has been removed IN ITS ENTIRETY

Set aside the cardinal sin of biting directly into the middle of a burrito for a quick second. Now think about this. Even if you’re going to eat a burrito correctly, on what rat-infested planet are you going to peel its foil wrapper off IN ITS ENTIRETY before chowing down? Earth, that’s where. Justin Bieber has not only commenced eating at the most illogical point of the burrito, he has also stripped it bare for all to see. He hasn’t even got the decency to conceal this heinous act. He’s flaunting it, provoking a reaction, teasing us.

Burritos come with a foil wrapper for two reasons. First, it acts as reinforcement to ensure that everything stays intact during the eating process. Second, it keeps the wrap warm, like a marathon runner who’s just completed a race, or a flustered witness at the scene of a crime. Burritos are that witness, but they are also the victim, as you shovel them cannibalistically down your gullet. You’re supposed to peel back the foil in small increments almost in a sexual manner, as per the intended depth of your bites. It’s a numbers game and Bieber isn’t playing it correctly.

Issue #3: His burrito vision is impaired because he is WEARING SUNGLASSES IN THE SHADE

If you’re going to engage in the sacred act of eating a burrito, the least, the very least you can do is have the guts to look that delicious snack right in the eye as you do so. Glasses? Fine. Contact lenses? Fine. A monocle? Weird flex, but okay. Sunglasses? No. Not when you’re sitting in the shade, sonny Jim. Justin is sitting under the cover of a tree, noshing into a burrito in the incorrect manner and he has the gall to do so with impaired vision. This is no longer r/mindlyinfuriating, this has now been upgraded to r/hatecrime.

Justin Bieber isn’t Bono, he doesn’t need sunglasses at all times due to some medical condition nobody can pinpoint but is afraid to make fun of just in case it’s serious. Justin has, from what I can gather through the internet (literally Googling ‘does Justin Bieber need glasses or what’), perfect vision. The sunglasses are fashion, but they are also disrespectful. Look at that burrito with your bare eyes as you savage it in the most obscene manner ever witnessed. See the frightened look on the tortilla as you smash it into your gob, you despicable mongrel.

Issue #4: There is no need for both a hood AND a hat when eating a burrito, ONE WOULD SUFFICE

I realise that this is sidetracking from the burrito situation at hand, but it’s important that we take a look at the bigger picture to really get a good sense of the kind of person that carries out such a heinous act. What is the main purpose of a hat? Correct, it is to keep your head warm and dry. What is the purpose of a hood? Again, to keep your head warm and dry, along with letting people know that you have at some point in your life been the recipient of an ASBO.

Justin Bieber doesn’t need both. He’s in a place that’s sunny and he’s eating outdoors, which suggests that it is warm. Rather than opting for a hat or a hood, he’s got both in operation. The man is unstable. This is not the outfit choice of a rational person. Anyone that steps outside with both a hat and a hood is insane, it’s common knowledge. Nobody should be surprised about the burrito eating procedure, in fact, we should’ve seen it coming. If you’re going to eat a burrito in an animalistic manner, the least you can do is dress appropriately for the occasion.

Issue #5: He’s SITTING ON THE GODDAMN BENCH INCORRECTLY

Look at that bench. It’s a sizeable one, could hold three average-sized people at a push. But Justin and his unforgivably savaged burrito are taking up the entire thing. He’s got a paper bag to his right, signifying that the invitation for a stranger to join him is firmly closed. So why not slide over into the middle, sending a stronger signal to fellow park-perusers from even further away? This would save them the disappointment of walking the whole way over, only to discover that the whole bench is in use (for an unspeakable act).

Bieber is up to something. That’s a strange place to sit on a bench, like sleeping neatly on one side of a large bed rather than spreading out like a spatchcock chicken in the middle. Things just don’t add up. The burrito being consumed is actually a decoy. He’s hiding something. Justin Bieber is trying to get a message across. That photograph was taken from far too close of a vantage point for him to be unaware of it. This is staged. But what is he trying to tell us? We need to look deeper…

Issue #6: His jeans are ripped ON BOTH KNEES, but for why?

Pick a lane, buddy. Everyone knows that one ripped knee is fashion, but two ripped knees equals chaos. Something is amiss here, you can smell it. Justin Bieber is known for his questionable fashion choices, but two naked knees in the broad light of day? This simply ain’t right. He’s trying to communicate something to us, the innocent bystanders. There’s a code in here, we just need to crack it. What does a burrito (being eaten incorrectly), exposed knees and two forms of headwear have in common?

Nothing? Wrong. It’s a puzzle. Not to go all Da Vinci Code on it, but I’ve cracked the code. Knee + burrito + hood= Neighbourhood. Justin Bieber is doing something strange in the image and very clearly communicating the word ‘neighbourhood’. Why does this sentence sound familiar? It’s the Ghostbusters theme song. We are under threat. The ghosts are beginning to revolt again. They must be caught before the world descends into turmoil. We need the Ghostbusters now more than ever before. Alert the masses. Thank you, Justin Bieber. You have saved us all, you little weirdo. Praise be!

Image via Twitter