Apologies in advance for the controversy that lies ahead
There are few things in life as divisive as a tin of Roses. For starters, we all need to acknowledge that they’ve gotten smaller and these new wrappers are both inconvenient and a means of distraction from the fact that there’s even fewer sweets packed in the tin nowadays.
Everyone’s always desperate to get their hands in, have a quick rummage around and pull out several of their favourites, as is the tradition. But what happens if your favourites correspond with someone else’s? War, that’s what.
Herein lies the definitive ranking of Cadbury’s Roses from worst to best. Please do not @ me.
11. Tangy Orange Creme
This particular sweet is what I imagine to be the first thing you are offered when you reach the bowels of hell, followed by a piece of liquorice. Even the word ‘tangy’ is enough to make people dry wretch. Also, we need to discuss why sometimes the orange icing stuff in the middle is hard and other times it’s soft? Just what kind of stunt are they trying to pull?
10. Country Fudge
The shape of this chocolate is completely off-putting. There’s no elegant way to shove a little turd of fudge in your mouth, so you’re forced to bite it and then consume it in two increments. It requires far too much chewing and then you still have another half to tackle. Too much effort, not enough of a pay off. Sorry.
9. Caramel
Perhaps I was raised incorrectly, but I believe that caramel should be a liquid, not a solid. Whatever concoction they’re getting away with down at the Cadbury’s factory, they need to be pulled aside and heavily scolded. They did away with the angelic Caramel Velvet (green wrapper – heaven in a packet), yet this dark stain on our heritage remains? In this economy? How obnoxious.
8. Strawberry Dream
Another disgrace that should never have made it out of the brainstorming session in the Cadbury’s boardroom. There is nothing remotely delicious about the pairing of chocolate with a weird strawberry-flavoured gloopy icing mess. The ratio of chocolate to gloop is way off and it suffocates the chocolate. People have been arrested for lesser crimes than the Strawberry Dream. It shall henceforth be known as the Strawberry Nightmare.
7. Coffee Escape
This is a reasonably new addition to the Roses family and having given it a fair chance, I can safely conclude that it is scum. Coffee isn’t a nice flavour unless you are drinking it. The consistency of the coffee part is very soft and limp, like you’ve left it in your pocket all day and only just remembered it was there. A very forgettable sweet.
6. Signature Truffle
It’s essentially the Coffee Escape, minus the taste of coffee. My main gripe remains – the inside is a weird texture that crumbles too easily. Bring back the plain Dairy Milk sweet in its place and allow us, as a nation, to experience unbridled happiness again. Please.
5. Brazilian Darkness
It’s a very bold move putting dark chocolate in a tin of Roses because, as we all know, it’s absolute garbage. However, the BD gets away with it because the content balances out the bitter dark chocolate taste with a very decent scattering of nuts, combined with chewy toffee. A very decent effort all round. A few more included in the tin wouldn’t go amiss, tbh.
4. Almond Caramel Bite
This cheeky little number only arrived in the last couple of years and the light has somehow returned in my life again. There’s the right amount of chew, almond and chocolate combined into a decent shaped sweet. Whoever invented this one deserves a large amount of public recognition, perhaps on a nationwide scale. Is a statue too much?
3. Golden Barrel
Finally, a caramel that isn’t afraid to be soft. This sweet gets a high ranking based on its old shape, those little ridges used to feel fantastic on the roof of your mouth (hold the jokes please), along with a very high quality drizzling caramel that oozes out in all the right places. Unfortunately, it’s gotten a smoother outside texture in the rebrand, but it’s still a solid 9/10.
2. Hazel Whirl
Very, very edgy that they’ve abbreviated hazelnut to her first name, Hazel. This sweet has a very palatable shape and content that’s earned it the second spot on this list. The swirled chocolate provides a welcome break from the monotony of the other Roses (and life), paired with a whole hazelnut that’s a lot of fun to find in the chocolate.
1. Hazel In Caramel
Easily the most important chocolate of our generation, the Hazel In Caramel has the power to prevent crime, end wars, cease global warming and reunite Nemo with his family. The caramel consistency is just the right amount of runny, and the hazelnut is slightly softened due to its surroundings, meaning your delicate little gnashers can sit back and allow the rest of your mouth to do the heavy lifting. We need to address the fact that Hazel has lost her big beefy elongated shape of the past, which is a criminal offence on Cadbury’s part, but thankfully the taste remains so we can overlook it for now. 10/10 sweet.
Lead image via Cadbury
