Marmite peanut butter is coming to the UK because God has deserted us

Nothing is sacred

Draw a Venn diagram of Marmite and peanut butter and you'd find my own personal X, not in the central overlap of the two spheres, but fucked somewhere right off the page entirely with all the boring, boring jam and butter appreciators. As someone who is not particularly fond of Marmite, or peanut butter, or, therefore the combination of the two, you might be wondering why I am writing this article. Please let me explain. It's because the guy who wrote this story about the Marmite/Papa John's pizza isn't in today.  And neither is the guy who wrote about the Marmite ice cream chaos of 2018. I have no choice. I am writing it against my will. It is, however, important news and therefore needs to be covered by an important journalist. So here we are. Marmite has officially announced the new unholy splicing of popular spreads and confirmed that Marmite Peanut Butter will be available on Ocado.com from March 25 and in supermarkets from April 7. According to Marmite historians, who have literally had nothing to do for the last 117 years other than document that 'some people like it' but also, conversely, that 'some people don't like', it's the first permanent product innovation for the brand since it was established in 1902. But apparently this seismic change in the direction of the Marmite brand is all due to an unquenchable thirst for the thick brown stuff mixed with the crunchy, lighter brown stuff by the Great British public. Camilla Williamson, Brand Manager at Marmite, said in a statement: “The British public asked, and we listened. We’re delighted to bring the nation exactly what they’ve been craving with the creation of Marmite Peanut Butter.” “It’s the most exciting product launch since the conception of the brand in 1902 and we’re confident that the nation is going to love it.” So I ask you, dear public: did you really ask for this? Did you? Own up. Did you? Did you really email Marmite asking for Marmite Peanut Butter? Did you get so sick of buying Marmite, and buying peanut butter, typically on the same shelf in the supermarket anyway, the two tubs literally inches away, that you demanded Marmite, an almost virginal brand, start experimenting in the dark, murky world of sandwich spread cross-breeding? If you did, fair play to you. You have won. Enjoy your cross-contaminated nonsense spread you fuckers.