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26th Apr 2019

Profiling the kind of person willing to spend £615 on Gucci’s new sandals

Six hundred and fifteen of the Queen's pounds

Ciara Knight

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, looking at you buddy

It is with a heavy heart we must announce that fashion has passed away. RIP Gucci u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. @

Gucci has brought out a pair of women’s leather and mesh sandals and they are truly, honestly, remarkably, probably, the ugliest pair of shoes the world has ever seen.

Rather than torment ourselves with questions such as why, instead, for now, let’s focus on who.

What kind of person would pay £615, the price of 2,460 Freddo bars, for a pair of these shoes?

I’ve done my best to work this out, but feel free to get in touch with your submissions.

Together, we will build the ultimate profile of the person that willing spends £615 on these hideous shoes.

  • A clown that’s really into cross country running and hopes to one day pursue it on a professional basis.
  • Your primary school art teacher who had a trust fund but dressed like they didn’t.
  • A very small child who has sat on their Mum’s phone and accidentally personalised a pair of Vans with their butt cheeks.
  • Helen Keller.
  • An indoor trampolining centre supervisor who insists you call him ‘bro’.
  • The ghost of Mr. Blobby.
  • Your Mum’s friend Sue, the one who’s very into holistic therapy and energy beads.
  • Hummus, if it had feet and £615 going spare.
  • The kind of person that still says ‘adulting’ and ‘fun-ness’ despite being 39.
  • The sound of a shopping trolley not being returned to the correct docking point in the carpark.
  • Germaine Greer.
  • A children’s entertainer who’s going through a particularly bitter divorce right now.
  • 250g of spinach.
  • The guy from accounts who eats, without fail, two hard boiled eggs for lunch every day.
  • A jet-ski instructor who sits too close to his female students on the seat.
  • Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
  • That exchange student you had in the summer of ’05 who flirted heavily with your Mum.
  • One of Joss Stone’s bowel movements.
  • A reusable bamboo straw that you found in the bin of a Wetherspoons.
  • Wine that comes in a carton.
  • A Nando’s loyalty card that’s just two meals shy of getting the next one free.
  • Someone distantly related to the inventor of Party Rings.
  • Dipsy.
  • That sensation you get when you stand on something wet and slowly start to feel it seeping through your socks.
  • Glandular Fever.
  • A poo that wakes you up abruptly when you’re dying with a hungover.
  • Wolf from Gladiators.
  • The guy who invented BYOB disco bowling.
  • The concept of going for one singular drink.
  • Nile Rodgers’ nephew.
  • A meal deal that consists of a plain ham sandwich, ready salted crisps and a fizzy water.
  • Waiting for 1p change from the cashier at a petrol station.
  • That random shiver you sometimes get for no reason.
  • The final day of Coachella.
  • Ulrika Jonsson.
  • A carton of milk that’s been put back inside the fridge despite it being empty.
  • A parking space that looks empty but it turns out there’s actually a Smart Car hidden in it.
  • Tuesdays.
  • A skydiving instructor who has a tattoo on each arm to commemorate his friends that he lost “to the skies”.
  • Logan Paul.
  • Piles.

Images via Gucci