We’ve watched it so you don’t have to
The gang’s all back together in the latest instalment of Made In Chelsea, but this time, it’s called Made In Chelsea: Croatia. That’s right, the posh children are off to Croatia. Let’s hope none of our favourite couples Split! [Split is a popular region in Croatia].
But what typically posh nonsensical mischief are they going to get themselves into during their visit to mainland Europe? Will the locals be baffled at their poshness and insistence on wearing loose-fitting linen shirts while abroad?
Will Mufty lose her precious family heirloom kaftan? Is Victor going to down an entire bottle of Moët before noon because he’s such a massive bloody legend all the time? Will anyone die after being exposed to a variety of sparkling water that isn’t San Pellegrino?
Let’s find out, as I painstakingly compile 9 of the very worst things that happened during Made In Chelsea: Croatia.
1. Within three minutes of the show airing, a bare (and posh) arse was shown
Why? WHY? Why? Was this a necessary inclusion before we’d even immersed ourselves so far as the five minute mark into the show? Is this how posh people behave on holidays? Is there a strict no pants policy in Croatia? Is this guy doing squats or what is his routine specifically if you could explain in intense detail quick as you can please?
2. Two of the posh people went sunbathing dressed like they were attending a relaxed and non-denominational wedding ceremony
Beside an empty swimming pool, no less. The above image is like a still from a horror movie. They’re the couple that’s just moved in across the road who are harbouring a huge secret. Eventually, it comes to light that they both absorbed their respective twin siblings in the womb and have double the amount of organs than most people. Also the girl is a cat and the guy has a mild peanut allergy.
3. THEIR POSH NAMES ARE POSHER THAN WE EVER COULD’VE IMAGINED
TABITHA AND HABBS. DIGBY. What is Habbs even short for? Haberdashery? Habanero sauce? Habitat? Yet again we find ourselves in a position where Made In Chelsea is screwing with us. They’re making up names to see how far they can push it. Next week, they’re introducing a character called Blimpty Muffington. She’s a 23-year-old estate agent from Fulham, with a cat called Sir Roger.
4. The same guy continues to troll us all (16 viewers of the show) by not wearing any pants AGAIN
I hate this guy. I hate him with all of my life. I did not need to see his buttocks twice, from two different angles. It isn’t funny. Stop this. Posh people have gone too far and need to be cancelled immediately. There is only one naked chef that Britain respects and that chef is Sir James ‘Jamie’ Oliver.
5. Some guy legitimately said “When one is on a boat, one can afford to buy very large objets as one travels. There’s no Imari vase too large”
That’s not a typo on ‘objets’, he actually used the French word for ‘objects’ despite them being in Croatia and speaking entirely in English at the time. This guy was having a midday glass of presumably champagne with his peers, when the mood struck him to share the benefits of sea transportation. Also, he is insane and posh people are the worst. You can fly almost anything around the world if you’ve got enough money, which he evidently has.
6. They! Played! Non-competitive! Water! Polo! For! Fun!
Think about a typical summer holiday for you. What kind of fun activities does it entail? Having a beer with your lunch? Lying naked on your hotel bed waiting for the aftersun to dry in as you gorge yourself on strange flavoured crisps? Possibly splurging out €5 on a poorly produced bat and ball set? A lilo? These poshos play water polo, in the sea, in a specially cordoned off area. FOR FUN!
7. After a friendly game of water polo, they relaxed with some pre-prepared segmented orange slices
JUST HAVE A DRINK OF WATER YOU POSH TWATS. WHAT IS THAT GARNISH? IS IT MINT? FUCK OFF AND HAVE A CALIPPO.
8. They all, unsurprisingly, wear pinky rings. Every goddamn one of them
Digby, Plumty, Noo-Noo, the whole bloody lot of them wear pinky rings. What purpose, as a societal function, does a pinky ring serve? Does it immediately signify to those nearby that there’s a dickhead in the vicinity? Or is it simply an underrepresented fashion statement, reserved for those whose parents’ houses all have more than two bathrooms? Pinky fingers are too fragile for such heavy duty accessories.
9. Posh people don’t care about the environment because they are scum
Every time these posh children had a drink during Made In Chelsea: Croatia, there was a straw in it. I counted over ten billion straws in just one episode. It’s an epidemic. Joan in Torquay recycling all her cereal boxes and milk cartons isn’t putting a dent in the environment’s sustainability when we’ve got slobs like these sucking the life out of the planet with obnoxiously large plastic straws in their fancy posh twat drinks. They should be lined up and shot, every last one of them, or failing that, given a very stern talking to.
Images via Channel 4
