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02nd Mar 2018

We need to talk about how much of a square Bernard from Bernard’s Watch was

Life is exactly like a box of chocolates when you're square

Ciara Knight

Bernard was a square.

Put yourself in his shoes for a second. A creepy postman with magical powers gives you a watch that can stop AND rewind time. What’s the first thing you’re going to do? Go back in time and kill Hitler? Give Donald Trump’s Dad a condom? Nope, not our Bernard.

This little square did a host of nerdy things like giving himself extra time to study for exams, make sure he would be on time for a friend’s birthday party and tricking a girl into helping him lose his virginity (jk). But truly, WHAT A NERD.

I will now detail the source of my frustrations in being an avid Bernard’s Watch viewer during the 90s and early 00s. The following remarks will mostly expose me for the utter scum of a human being that I was then and continue to be now. Oh well.

Bernard used the watch to give himself EXTRA TIME TO COMPLETE A MATHS TEST

In the ultimate act of being a square, Bernard, who was equipped with a watch that could stop time and hence enable the greatest cheating act of the 21st century, used the watch to work harder. He was given a maths test because the principal had the good sense to realise that he was dealing with a massive nerd, so presumed he’d be gifted at maths or something nerdy. Coding wasn’t big at that time, but he surely would’ve tested Bernard’s abilities in that department if it was.

Instead of using the watch to freeze time and finish the test with a calculator and cigarette drooping from his gob, Bernard stopped time so that he could use the aid of some paper to work out the maths equations with greater ease. This actual nerd had a prime opportunity to cheat his way to the top and he couldn’t have pussied out more if he tried. He might as well have stopped time to make the test a bit harder for himself, maybe try to do it in braille? Square.


He stopped his Grandad from falling AND RUINED HIS CHANCES OF AN EARLY INHERITANCE

Bernard was staying with his Grandad while his parents went off on a dirty weekend together. They did loads of fun square things together like gardening, playing board games and then rushing to tidy the house before his randy parents got home. During the scramble to get everything put away, Bernard’s Grandad snotted himself on a toy car and was mid-air when Bernard decided to stop time.

During this quick respite from life, Bernard used this perfect opportunity of an early inheritance TO QUICKLY TIDY THE HOUSE BY HIMSELF. He threw Grandad into an armchair and finished tidying up, rather than locating Grandad’s will, giving himself a handsome settlement and then allowing Grandad to fall to his untimely and painful death upon a bed of sharp knives. What an absolute square.


He made a shitty magic trick EVEN SHITTER

B-dogg was being a classic square and practicing magic tricks on his teddy bears when he noticed a pristine and domesticated white rabbit roaming the streets outside. Suddenly, a car rapidly approached Bugs Bunny, so he hit the watch to freeze time so that he could rescue the rabbit, like the dork that he is. The driver turned out to be his head teacher, so he left him a note that said ‘You are going too fast’. FFS BERNARD DO EVERYONE A FAVOUR AND JUST CALL HIM A C**T.

Bernard finds out it’s his best friend Karen’s rabbit, which makes me question the validity of their friendship if he was unaware of her pets. In true square fashion, Bernard decides to return the rabbit to Karen via a magic trick that involves him stopping time to make the rabbit appear out of a hat. What he should’ve done was advise Karen to offer a reward for the safe return of fluffy, then claimed it for himself, the square.


His parents were too busy to bring him to the zoo SO HE FROZE TIME TO HELP OUT WITH THEIR WORKLOAD

Only a true square would try to make their parents’ lives a bit easier for their own personal gain. One day, Bernard wanted to go to the zoo, but his parents had too many things to do. Rather than stopping time and making his own way to the zoo, enabling himself to spend as long as he wanted with the animals and free from the threat of predatory paedophiles, Bernard froze time so that he could do his parents’ chores for them.

One of those chores included a trip to the supermarket. Bernard arrived at the supermarket, got everything on the list and then unfroze time so that he could pay for the groceries. Rather than legging it out the door with a fistful of free swag, this little twerp willingly did the right thing. In the end, his ungrateful parents still wouldn’t bring him him to the zoo after all his hard work. The moral of the story here is that you should never use your magic watch to help your parents because they’re inconsiderate arseholes.



Bernard, you fucking moron, why didn’t you just go back in time and prevent the accident from happening? The accident being your birth, that is. Just kidding. But not really. Dopey Bernard mysteriously injured himself and was told he couldn’t go on holidays because his cuts needed a week to heal. So Bernard did what any square with a magic watch would do and froze time for a week.

During that week, he did some stereotypical square activities such as playing Monopoly by himself, staring at a girl that was frozen mid-skipping and eating crisps on the couch. JUST WATCH SOME PORN BERNARD FFS, LIVE A LITTLE. When he unfroze time, his mother was amazed to see that his wounds had healed in less than a day. She was even more amazed to learn that he had a magic watch and used it for the most tragic personal gains, such as his health.



Bernard, in classic square fashion, arrives to his friend’s birthday party several hours too early because he read the clock wrong. Why didn’t Bernard consult his magic watch that he takes everywhere with him for the time? Because it makes far more sense to use the living room clock as a means of telling the time, duh. Luckily, Bernard’s idiot friend Dylan also arrived early because morons tend to stick together.

They busied themselves by hanging out near some railings. Typical Dylan got his head stuck in the railings and Bernard panicked. So did he go back in time to hand Dylan’s parents a condom? Did he fuck. He froze time to put a note in a stranger’s car to alert him to the child’s head stuck in a nearby railing, thereby getting dopey Dylan unstuck. This proves that Bernard is the squarest square that has ever existed and I challenge anyone to find a bigger square.



Images via ITV