I watched an episode of CBB and learned that God left us a long time ago
Much to the delight of approximately 4 (four) people, CBB is back!
Having already determined who's going to win this series based on their promo photographs, I decided to turn my efforts towards learning about the actual personalities and performances that make up this year's CBB house.
In the ultimate act of heroism, I watched an entire episode from start to finish. 45 uninterrupted minutes of celebrities going about their business for varying wages. Zero toilet breaks. One result.
What did I learn? I learned that God, or whatever overlord you believe in, left us a long time ago and is never going to return.
Behold the proof.
They've made Jason Grimshaw, the dozy builder off Coronation Street, Vice President of the house
What a world we live in where someone from Corrie can be Vice President of anything other than Having A Job On The Telly. Kirstie Alley appears to have been made President of the CBB house, with Jason Grimshaw as her deputy. What does this important role entail? From what I managed to gather, wearing a suit and getting to sleep in a separate bedroom to the rest of the house. Is this the world our Lord envisaged when he created man? Did Adam and Eve die for this?
Some of the housemates put on a performance because they are using the opportunity to score work when they leave the house
As a blatant audition tape for the scores of casting directors that are inevitably watching the show, a few of the housemates put on a dramatic performance in the bedroom. There was two main roles being portrayed by a male and female, while the rest looked on as the aggressively muscular guy gave them some pointers. Is this how celebrities spend their spare time? Most of them seem to be actors, therefore they act. That is their only contribution to the world. They can act, or they can act like they are not acting but are actually still acting. It's a strange dynamic and one that is likely to continue throughout the series. Rumours have been circulating that Martin Scorsese is looking to fill some roles in his latest blockbuster and is exclusively watching British reality TV in a bid to find the next DiCaprio. What luck!
The celebrities are unnervingly aware of the 4,000 cameras that are littered throughout the house
One of the girls made her way into what appears to be a utility room. She positioned herself square in front of a camera with a chocolate bar label facing outwards and then proceeded to consume the chocolate. She stared right down the lens of the camera before attempting to conceal herself INSIDE THE FRIDGE after clocking that she was being filmed. This was a very decided attempt at seeming relatable. Celebrities, they're just like you and I. They sneak down to the fridge for precisely two squares of chocolate while their toned abs are poking out of their jumpers. Jesus cured lepers, he turned water into wine, but Jo from Emmerdale can pretend she's unaware of cameras filming her even when she's not at work.
Rather than devising evil tasks, the CBB producers are simply having the contestants replicate real life events
What a fun task! The contestants had to build a wall just like POTUS has continually stated that he is going to do. With his loyal supporter Kirstie Alley currently playing the role of house President, along with the man who caused the downfall of Barings Bank as Head of Defence and Jason Grimshaw as VP, things are closely matching the same levels of insanity as those that are currently going on outside the house. Humour has been eradicated. The world has reached such a searing level of nonsense, things are beyond parody. Satire is cancelled. The eternal flame of life has been quenched. We're all going to die :)
Every single person in the CBB house is the vainest person alive, not that we needed clarification
Throughout the course of 45 minutes, I clocked the celebrities checking themselves out in the house mirrors precisely 9 billion times. They are turbo narcissists, so this venture which involves being filmed at all times through two-way mirrors is likely to see several climaxes over the next couple of weeks. It's hard to believe that they're getting paid to be there. By all rights, it should be the other way round. The contestants should each have to pay thousands of pounds for the generosity of being allowed to be on telly again. None of them are at the pinnacle of their careers right now, they need the exposure. This is not how any other industry works. If you are a professional swimmer, you don't get paid to take a shower every day.
Finally, some real celebrities showed up
After years of people slagging CBB for scraping the barrel with their "celebrity" participants, it seems as though they're finally hearing out complaints, and what's more, they're making changes. During last night's show, I witnessed Donald and Melania Trump, as well as Queen Elizabeth II arriving (albeit briefly) in the CBB house. Finally, we're getting the show we both want and deserve. To see such heavyweights of the celebrity community such as the President of the United States alongside Gabby from last year's Love Island was a real triumph for all six viewers of the show. Maybe we've turned a corner and viewers' opinions are being listened to. Deal Or No Deal might be a 60-second show where the contestant simply opens their chosen box at beginning, thus eliminating the big drawn-out spectacle it has become. We are all TV producers now. Our opinions finally matter.
Celebrities just come straight out and ask each other if tabloid rumours are true, and even use vulgar language in doing so
One of the housemates just flat out said "Did you two fuck?" to one of the housemates regarding a rumour about her and one of the guys. There was very little build-up, even her wording was brash as can be, but she did it. That's how celebrities operate, evidently. They don't dance around the subject. They're all stuck in an eternal tabloid-fuelled rumour mill, which somehow seems to give them grounds for immediate clarification on pressing matters. They've known each other for less than a week but already they are on 'Did you two fuck' territory. How magical. Perhaps we could all take a leaf out of their tax-dodging books. Try it yourself today, go up to Carol from accounts, then point at James from sales and say "Did you two fuck?". Be the mother from I, Tonya you want to see in the world.
The rumours are true. All celebrities live in a big house together sharing beds and tales of stardom until the end of time
I've long suspected it and now it has been proven true beyond any reasonable doubt. Many civilians are just like me, assuming that all celebrities know each other and live in a big commune together somewhere outside Essex. Now, we have proof. Look at the ease with which these two grown men are sharing a bed together. They've undoubtedly done it before. All celebrities share bunkbeds in a big warehouse decorated exactly like the bus in Spice World. They're not even paying rent, it's coming out of our taxes. This unspoken arrangement is top secret and not a lot of muggles know about it, but the above image serves as ironclad proof that it's absolutely true. Just kidding, we live on a Godless planet. Celebrities are as irrelevant as ever and giving them a platform to revive their careers is irresponsible and far from the paradise world that the overlords envisaged. Carrie Fisher didn't die for this. Bring back Love Island and let it run for 12 months. Thank you for your time.
Images via Channel 5